Hey Boy.

Nice house. I like it a lot. I like you in it. I like watching you sleep in it. Like right now. It's after Christmas and before the new year and I'm in our warm bed. You're sleeping here next to me and I've been watching you. I wondered what you were like as a boy. You probably looked like Nolan, but I wonder what you were really like. You were still the same spirit. Anyway, I think perhaps I've done some to ruin your little boy dreams. Maybe your older boy dreams as well. Because I sure have foiled my own dreams on most days. A lot of days I walk away disappointed and maybe leaking a tear or two. And I'm so sure that I am to blame.

But

I'm sure I've said this before and I will surely say this again (because I'm always either falling or getting back up): I'm not ready to give up. I'm not disillusioned by my dream. I am only discouraged by my own shoddy attempts to live my dream. I imagine that you will find it more possible to be what you want to be when I am being what I should be.

Maybe I'm talking about dreaming so much because you are asleep and I'm about to go to sleep in this little green dream house.

In any case, I love you.

From your lady

Dear Boy,

The first day post-vacation has been pretty good.  Nolan loved nursery school.  Gerret and I had an enjoyable morning together.  Cinder has been unusually friendly.  I hope work is going well.  I look forward to seeing you, however briefly, tonight.  I liked spending every hour, every day with you over vacation.  I wish we could always do that.

Dear Lady

I am sorry for frustrating days. I'm especially sorry for days that frustrate you. I'm glad you had a happy workout last night and a good breakfast this morning. It is always my sincere prayer that you will have a good day today. There must be something truly applicable in the scripture that it is only the works of men that are frustrated. Perhaps when we are truly in the Lord's service we feel frustrated much less for His work is never frustrated.
I'm fasting through lunch today (couldn't bring myself to fast through those smoothie's). I think I need to fast more often—short one meal fasts. If anyone needs guidance and communion from the Lord, it's you and I. I went and read that talk by Elder Groberg. It was incredible. Landmark. I'd like for everyone to hear that talk, and to listen to it. I also read a scripture that reminded me that we are here in this probationary time to repent (or become like Jesus Christ) and serve God. Perhaps we all spend too little time serving the Lord. He has asked us to pray over all our labors that they be consecrated unto him and for our good. I have rarely done this outside my church calling. Were this more of a habit I think we would be guided much more clearly, don't you?
This morning I made a point of praying for missionary opportunities and today I got to talk briefly with a woman about the book I'm reading—History of Joseph Smith. The Lord doesn't expect a lot from us before blessing us, but he does expect sincerity and a little effort...then miracles.
Finally, I think that ever since we have moved out here we have kind of been waiting. Waiting for thins to improve. Waiting for a better job. Our own house. Do you feel the same? Paul said he had learned to be happy and content in any situation because he knew he was doing the Lord's work. I think we ought to work harder to know we're fulfilling our ministries in his eyes. If we do that we'll be blessed with prosperity, a better job, a home, and everything one could want, but it won't be the source of our happiness, it will be the result of our happiness. Let's do what we need to to serve the Lord and be happy. I know he'll bless us.
I love all of you.
.Patrick


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Dear Boy,

Today has been frustrating.  The boys watched youtube.  I finished John Adams.  None of us got dressed until 11:30.  I've been doing laundry.  The boys are not taking a nap.  My right eye is killing me again.  I'm going to be out of contacts before December at this rate.  I had hoped to exercise and take a shower, but neither are looking plausible.  So I feel grubby dirty, I can't stop rubbing my eye, I've yelled when I should have been patient, my attempt to feast on the word of God was fruitless, the kitchen is a mess, I can't stand the way these pants fit, and I have a mountain of clean clothes behind me.  I guess none of that is a big enough deal for me to be feeling the way I do, but I want the day and the week to be over.  Maybe it's really just my eye.

Dear Boy,

Maybe we should struggle our whole lives to know surely that we are doing all the Lord expects of us.  Perhaps that is the best way to stay humble and introspective.  If you feel like you aren't doing everything He expects, then maybe you really aren't.  Maybe it is a simple change like increasing in love, changing an attitude, casting out something that doesn't belong.  Or maybe it is more complicated (in my opinion) like using your talents to do something more, becoming involved in an organization for the benefit of God's children, or even organizing something from scratch.  Whatever it is, I think we do have a responsibility to figure it out.  If you feel agitated about your prayer's answer, maybe you really should feel agitated.  If you were humble enough to receive that answer, continue on in the same spirit of humility until you know what you should do.  I found this speech from Elder Groberg given at BYU in 1979.  It's long and old, but I think still applicable.  Here's a quote from it:


What does the Lord mean when he tells us that we cannot be saved in ignorance and that we must gain knowledge in order to be saved? Knowledge of what? (You are here to study something, I hope.) Knowledge of the gospel? Of course, but even more than that, I think. I believe that the knowledge he is talking about--the knowledge that saves and that he requests us to seek--is the knowledge or assurance that we are fulfilling our mission, that we are doing his will, and that he is pleased with our efforts.  (John H. Groberg)


I love you and admire the service you render in the Lord's name.  You give me an example to follow in so many ways.  I cannot help feeling that I married above myself.  Sometimes I can't keep from feeling a little sorry for you.  I think it should be that way though.  I know my own weaknesses so intimately and simultaneously notice innumerable strengths and admirable qualities in you.  Thank you for sticking with me.  Thank you for treating me so kindly.  Thank you for being patient.  I love you.   


-Your Lady Forever   

Dear Boy,

The Tick Twister is an instrument capable of miracles, namely removing ticks --even very small ones-- smoothly, seamlessly, efficiently.  I watched my mom, "Nurse Grandma", remove a miniscule parasite of the sort from Gerret's chest this afternoon.  I wouldn't have found it if Nolan hadn't removed all of his clothes and started filling the bathtub (with cold water) after I had already said, "Later" to a bath.  Thankfully, my children rarely listen to me and the two of them enjoyed a bath together when it should have been nap time.  It was after the bath when I was drying The Pook off that I noticed the small black spot.  Where these ticks come from and why they seem to gravitate toward pookerily things, I can only venture to guess, but I do know that I'd like a Tick Twister for our new home.  Maybe for Christmas.  That's not a joke.

It was due to these bathing and twisting activities that I probably missed your call today.  I haven't seen my phone in 24 hours.  I hope you are having a nice gray day and I look forward to seeing you (however briefly) tonight.

from your lady

P.S. I just learned last night that John Adams named the property and home he acquired just before his Vice Presidency.  Peacefield.  We could name our home Cinderhaven.  That's a joke, but I still am interested in naming our home.

Dear Boy,

That's okay.  I'm sorry that I haven't learned a better way to respond to crappy days than to act crappy.  I think the thing I cherish about my life is that I can still make it better.

-me

Dear Lady,
I am so very sorry for turning you away last night when you wanted to help with the dishes. You had a hard day and the boys were finally in bed and it was just me and you and I sent you away. I only intended for you to be able to do something besides housework—to have some free time to yourself—but instead I fear I may have unintentionally hurt you and I'm sorry. I love you so much and I should have leapt at any opportunity to pass time with you, but that part of me that always wants to fix everything myself got in the way. You deserve every good thing, and if sometimes that's doing the dishes with me, just let me know—I will never turn you away again.
I hope today is better for you. You're always in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll be sure to say some extra prayers today.
I cherish every instant of your life.

.a boy


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Dear Boy,

Towards the end of our visit to the library today, none other than Julie and Ruby Wright sauntered through the back door.  I spoke to Julie.  She is very excited about us buying her house.  She called it a "haven" for our boys.  She told me about the property, updated me on the reparations (the pipes under the sink were fixed yesterday and the roof guy is coming tomorrow), asked if we'd like her to leave the washer and dryer for $100 (I don't know if that's for both or $100 each... I told her we had some), and said they recently bought a used riding lawn mower that we could buy.  She really wants things to go as quickly as possible.  The closing on their new home on Salo Dr. was supposed to be tomorrow, but the current owners aren't ready to get out yet.  She's a little upset about a lost weekend to move.  They have everything in boxes and are ready to get out.  She actually started the conversation by asking if we were packing.  That caught me off-guard and a little laugh escaped.  So... hopefully things work out and work out fast.  I am excited for it to work.  Maybe we should name our home.  Does that sound weird?  Well I'm a weirdo and I think it would be nice if our house had a name.

In other news, I just kicked out our caterpillar collection.  We found four fuzzy caterpillars earlier and they were crawling on the kitchen table, but I could only find three.  I decided it was time for them to leave before we lost another one.

In even other news, CJane (my best friend) is sponsoring another rooftop concert tonight in Provo.  It makes me wish I was in Provo.  Anyway, the group is called "Lower Lights".  It's a ton of very talented musicians who just got together and made music.  Here's a video about them.


Not so much something I thought I'd be interested in, but their entire album is free to listen to on their site, so I thought I'd try them out and I love it.  I love music, especially lots of harmonies and layers and instruments.  This group has all of that.  The boys danced.  I sang (loudly, shamelessly) and danced.

I can't wait to see you in just two hours.  I can't wait for a whole weekend with you.
-Your Lady 

Dear lady,
i'm happy to know that things with Gerret are going so well. Individual time with a parent is such a special thing, and the eldest children (as we both had the good fortune to be) get an unfair amount of it. Preschool is allowing Gerret the opportunity to be the eldest for a few hours on those days, and get all of your time and attention. Taking about the two of you cuddling on his pillow was a warm and happy picture in my mind. i wish my brother Brady realized what a glorious opportunity he has had to get my parents attention. i would love to be there spending time with them again. i suppose my growing up and maturing only happened near the end of my stay with them (though I was never responsible or mature before that, and Brady was—and it feels he's letting go of it now).
In any case, i love you. You're right, making this decision hasn't been our best kept secret. i wish i could say this has all been part of the plan, but we both know that's not true. Our being here has led to some goo though. Our boys have come to know your family, and they got time (however brief) with your grandpa. You were a friend to Lisa when she had none. Our boys have enjoyed pageant and feeling the spirit of the church sites. A lot of good has come out of being here. We are most likely coming to the end of our time here, so i guess we'd better take in all we can. i've loved you through every rainy day, through every snow storm, and through every gorgeous fall, and i will continue to love you every day of my life. You are my dearest treasure.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

I think that particular zoo is worse than others, but it was raining too hard for us to really take notice.  We pretty much ran through it and yelled, "Hi Tigers!  Hi Elephants!  Hi Owl!" as we passed by.  But we had fun despite our sopping clothes.  It's always good to get out of the house.  Though I have to say that I am really enjoying my time with Gerret during nursery school hours.  He's been asking for a few days to "scoop Cinder's poop", so I just helped him do just that.  Cinder will be pleased.  We also cuddled with his fuzzy pillow and read a pile of books.  Before that we played with Jasmine and got a doughnut from Grandma upstairs (right now he is clearing off our bed to be super man as I write this).  My mom just got home from visiting the Amish family who will build a barn for her.  The father of the family, Toby is between 45 and 50 (bob's estimate) and he owns a successful building business.  He has 8 sons and 2 daughters (also according to Bob, but my mom verified that she met all 8 sons and one daughter who was about Nolan's age this morning).  The children work for and live with their parents until they are 21 or married.  They work sort of as apprentices in whatever their father's business is and they don't get paid.  After they are 21 or married, their father builds them a house and gives them a piece of land just like in olden days.  Except I don't know what happens to the daughters. They're garbage I suppose.
It will be good to practice on this kitchen floor so that someday if we need to do it again, we'll know more what we're supposed to do and be more confident.
Speaking of knowing what we're supposed to do and being confident.  We stink at this in real life.  I don't even want to go ahead and make a decision because I'm not confident that I can make a good one.  Let's just live with my parents forever.  It will be a grand party.  Thanks for waiting in the rain after midnight for me.  It's amazing that you could stay awake that late.  I love you.

Dear Lady,


i'm glad you guys had a good time at the zoo. i can remember attending the zoo once (with you?) and being overwhelmed by how sad some of the animals seemed. It's not much of a life to be stuck in a cage and fed lettuce everyday while children giggle and point all around you. i love the opportunity to see the animals—what marvels the Lord has created—but i prefer the larger zoos wherein the enclosures are bigger, provide more roaming space, at least an illusion of privacy, and an imitation of their natural habitats (though i enjoy my zoo webcam app on the phone).
Tile in the kitchen sounds good...again. It's funny we got so close once and now it's a year later. i guess it's time to try again? It would make quite a difference to have a clean kitchen floor. You think it's a hard/messy process? Or you think it'll be pretty easy? i think i'm most nervous about messing it up. Like maybe we'll make a nice, crooked/uneven kitchen floor. i suppose it would still be nicer than the floor that's in there now.
Thanks for talking about things last night. i really want us to all accomplish any goals we have for ourselves—the most important goals being righteousness in our family, and the subsequent happiness. It's hard to think about moving on from where we are. i know we don't have a lot, but we get by, and this is what we know. i'm scared to death at the prospect of stepping outside what we know, but that's the point right? A leap of faith. i know the Lord will prosper the righteous, but i am still nervous about the final decision we make, but we need to make it soon.
Do you remember back when we were dating? Can you believe we actually had a lot less than we do now? Hard to believe. i remember eating grilled cheese sandwiches with your Creamery discount that summer. i also remember waiting outside for you until 12-1am. Those were crazy days. i'm still madly in love with you, but glad i don't need to wait until 1am in the rain.
i love everything about you.
.Patrick


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Dear Boy,

We're headed to Syracuse today to help my mom out.  She has an appointment, but doesn't feel comfortable with the drive by herself.  I'm thinking about taking the boys to the zoo while we're up there.  Except it's scheduled to rain by this afternoon.  We'll see how it goes.
Since we haven't corresponded with the Nyres in making plans for the temple trip Saturday, I think we can go up as a family and you can go in while I take the boys for a bike ride like I did last year.  I'm pretty anxious to get my bike on the road.
Maybe we can get the tile down in the kitchen this month?  Are you game?

-Lady

Dear Lady,
So I wrote you this whole letter this morning before I got in the shower. I spent a chunk of my groggy, wee morning hours, writing to you only to have the program glitch closed before I could save it. Can you believe it? I'm not sure that anything elicits as beautiful a love/hate relationship as modern technology. Alas that letter is gone and I now find myself at the mercy of the boys, and when they'll wake up, to write to you anew.
Let me just say I love you. I believe in you and me, but much more in you and I hope I ne'er lean too heavily on you for support (I wouldn't want to hurt your back or anything). I've not known anything so encouraging and so satisfying as to love someone each day. I wake up in love with you and I pass out at the end of the day even more in love with you.
I know we're in a crazy place right now, and I'm grateful to have someone like you with me through it. The idea of changing jobs, going back to school, and moving is kind of overwhelming. Okay—really overwhelming. Yet there is this silver lining I feel. There is this sense of a great goodness to come out of it all that I feel on the cusp. Do you sense it? It almost gets adrenaline going in me. A nervous excitement. And I love having it all with the girl I married 6 years ago.
I want you to know that I can and will do better at providing for our family. One day you will have your craft room (if you want it) with all of your stampin' up stuff. We'll laugh with our kids as we put them to bed in a room that's not right next to every other room in the house. And we'll enjoy cool evenings on our porch together. Oh! And sometimes we'll cuddle on the couch to watch a movie I helped make.



I love your whole entire everything.
.a boy
(photo courtesy of Nolan)
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To My Boy,

I agree that you should be passionate about what you do, but I'm not sure that your career necessarily has to be the "what you do".  It could just be the means to another end.  It could be a small part of what you do.  Thankfully, we believe that this life is just a blip in forever, so in the long run it doesn't entirely matter what you do.  Not that I want to confuse you more, but I think your assessment that you should just pick something and go with it was probably closer to the truth.  Should you enjoy what you do?   I think so.  Is it bad to be passionate about your career?  No way.  But I don't think that's a requirement for leading a fulfilling life.  To feel fulfilled, you need passionate about something(s) and probably find balance in your endeavors.
I also think we need to get out of here, as in New York, but maybe that's just the experience of the past 3 years speaking.  Maybe I'm worn down and willing to do anything differently.  More immediately, I think we need to get out of here, as in my parents house.  I have a feeling we'll be able to have clearer thoughts  when we're in our own home.  Or just be passionate about something.
This is what I was trying to say earlier (my thoughts kept being interrupted, so I don't know if what came out sound the way it did in my head)- The way to be great in the world is first just to be great.  I think the natural consequence of being great is that you will be great to more than just yourself and your family.  A great person seeks to improve themselves for the benefit of others (or the world).  I think Joseph Smith said that a lot more eloquently than I just did.
I think we're great people, the two of us.  We work on becoming greater and that's mostly what makes us great.  We have placed ourselves in a situation where our choices are limited.  They have been for a while now.  It's hard to be patient, but we have to be as we slowly untangle ourselves from this awful web.  We have to be patient with ourselves.  I'm sure that the most difficult person to be patient with and the easiest person to tear down is myself.  And that's not an act of humility.  I'm sure that our Heavenly Father expects us to treat all of His children kindly, to withhold judgement and to forgive.  Even ourselves.

I love you.  I trust you.  I find every happiness in you.

Lady

Dear Lady,
You have health complications, I have career complications. Thank you for your patience with my issues and I'm sorry I've been markedly absent from here for a while.
Admittedly most of my mental capacities are being donated to our future right now. "What will we be doing in 5 years (or even 1 or 2 for that matter)." I've learned a lot in the past three years as I've struggled through these questions. At each answer found, however, I seem to find another question to frustrate myself.
Recently I thought I just needed to choose something and commit to it. I'm not so sure that's the case. What I've come to find is that it's not so easy to commit and follow through on something you're not passionate about to begin with. But I'm not so sure I'm passionate about much right now. Or rather, I don't know what I'm passionate about that I could turn into a career. I do think we need to get out of here though. Maybe not right now. Maybe we can give you your year or two, but then if we don't go back to school, we at least need a bigger city.
I have all sorts of ideas for ways to make a career in film work. Great ideas. But I need to find passion about it or something first. I still remember how hard that passion hit me at BYU that first semester. I didn't know what I was going to study and then I suddenly knew it with the zeal that made me the star in the program. Now, I'll admit I didn't handle that first year very well, but i would love to have that passion back about something, anything that was career like. I could be so great in this world.
Thank you for ever listening to my ramblings and warbling. You light up my life, even when its dark so I have learned to sleep well even with the lights on.
(I hope you had fun at the fair)

.a boy


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Hey Boy,

You still there?  Just kidding.  I know you don't have Toy Story playing to entertain your co-workers and CFCU members while you write me a little note.  I guess I'm lucky that way.

We're going to the fair at noon.  I feel... eh.  Mostly just frustrated.  I don't want to lay down all day.  I don't like the nagging worry associated with body problems.

So we're going to the fair because I hope the boys will enjoy it and because I need some distraction. 

Thank you for being so kind and patient when I have infirmities.  It seems like I do a lot.  Thanks for sticking by me even when I don't feel like sticking by myself.

With All the Love I Possess,
Lady

Dear Boy,

It's raining today just like it did yesterday and I'm thinking of you because you're supposed to be working outside today.  I wonder if plans changed.  Or are you really wet?  Or maybe it's not so rainy on the other side of the lake.
Willy is sitting on my lap as I type.  He smells like hay, which is better than manure like last night, but I'm still thinking about dabbing a little shampoo on the crown of his head and sending him out into the rain.  The hay smell is strong.  But he is happy, drooling and pumping, so I'll at least wait until his mood changes.  We both know that will come quickly.
We played in our new camper/playroom this morning.  Nolan drew on the magnet board drawing thing (a map for camping, of course).  Then he played pretend something with the plush Mater.  Gerret played with trains.  And Cinder followed us in to just do cute things.  We're all so predictable.
The camper stinks.  Especially when you're on or near the floor.  I think the carpet has been used for a bathroom on more than on occasion, perhaps habitually.  In fact, it smells so rancid that I couldn't smell Gerret's poopy diaper over it.  Maybe his diaper even smelled just like the carpet.  I don't know.
This I do know:  you are so special to me.  You make me feel complete.  You make me love like I didn't know I could.  Every good thing reminds me of you, yet you are better than every good thing.  I love riding my bike, driving in the country, rainy days, wind sounds out my window, a cone of bittersweet, cats, running, fresh pineapple, climbing trees, walking in woods, sewing pretty things, photos of loved ones, flower gardens, music to smile about, leaves changing, looking out from the tops of hills or mountains, sleeping in tents, playing at the ocean, thunder and lightening nearby, green grass, big clouds, board games, soft sheets, sledding, swimming, kayaking, watching snow fall especially at night when it sparkles, laughing, singing, helping people, smiles, chocolate cake, sitting on the edge of a lake.  And on and on.  But the combined love I have for all of these, though great on its own, is near to nothing compared to how I love you.
from your lady

Dear Boy,

This is what's on my mind:

Nolan needs to learn a better aiming technique.  Whichever he is currently employing is FAILING miserably.
Since we're talking about urine, might I add that that's mostly all that's been on my mind today.
Because I feel like I have to pee.  Constantly.  But to relieve myself HURTS and ends up being no relief at all.  What a miserable position I'm in, no matter what position I try out.  It's really miserable.
Also on my mind.... housing.  Isn't that on your mind too?  I wish there were an obvious choice.  Like the easy kind of choice.  Of course, we've already learned from experience that the seemingly easy choice isn't always the best.  All that can be expected of us, I think, is to make the best of the choices that have already been made and make better choices in the future.  Good things have come from this awful choice to be in NY....... right?
Do you remember when we first came here that we had lists of pros and cons for living in Spokane, NY, Utah (anywhere else?  I don't remember.), going back to school, doing other stuff? What happened to those lists?  I don't know that we ever came to a conclusion.  We were kind of stuck and tired out and about to have Gerret, I think.
I love you.  I want to be with you forever.  Through every decision and indecision.  I'd like to stick with you.  So, I do hope you'll keep me.

That's not all.... but I have to GO.  You know?

-Lady

Dear Lady,
i missed you today and couldn't be sadder.
i suppose i could be sadder if you weren't there when i got home either.
In any case, work is going alright and i am, as ever, anxious to be with my family again. Thank you for the walk last night in the mist and rain. Thanks for just laughing when i shook the tree branches and soaked you a little bit. Most of all thank you for always indulging me in any intellectual path i happen to wander down. i will figure this all out soon enough i am sure. We are, after all, pretty dynamic.
can you believe the clouds!? Now of all times. i do hope that we get a break in the clouds sometime. All these stars falling and no one in New York can see it. So many wishes, but no wishes permitted. The shower goes for a while still though, so i am sure we will see some. i love to wonder at the stars (or anything really, but particularly stars). Wouldn't you agree that there is not enough wondering happening in the world. Maybe there is a way to make a living putting wonder back into people's lives. The kind of wonder you can find in a great story, or in children's books, or in gazing at stars, or finishing a hike to the mountain top, or in receiving a gift from a friend.
Yes i think the world needs more wonder. i chased after film because it created things that made me wonder in amazement, but couldn't there be more of that, and in more places than just cinema (though cinema too)—everywhere?
i love every moment of you.

.a boy


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Dear Boy,

It's been interesting the past few days to try to switch gears from "barn" to "life".  Though it shouldn't have been, the barn had become an excuse for doing poorly in most aspects of my life.  Visiting Teaching flew out the window a few months back as did my devotion to the young women.  I felt too stressed to volunteer to do service or even to return phone calls (admittedly, that one's always taken a little more gumption).  I was too frazzled to do a lot of smiling or even to be patient, kind, or show much gratitude.  Making plans for, shopping for, talking about, and working on the barn had become my life since May.

And now I'm switching gears.  Back to life.  Here's August and I'm making plans for dinner, doing laundry and dishes, and playing with my children without feeling a pull from my slave-master (the barn).  There is a load off my shoulders and I feel great.  Good habits are easy to break and more difficult to form, so it's going to take some work to be what I'd like to be..... especially because I wasn't much what I hoped to be before the barn.  But I'm hopeful.

It's pretty crazy to think that I spent the past 20-ish years planning for this phase of my life.  I thought and thought about what I wanted to be like, how I would interact with my children, how I would keep my home, how I would love my husband, what activities I would be involved in.  It's unbelievable to me that I'm here already and after all that planning and preparing, I'm unprepared.  I'm not at all what I thought I would be.  I had only imagined myself in an ideal setting.  It's simple to act flawlessly and think flawlessly when the environment is flawless.  That leaves no other option other than to be flawless (unless you're rebelling out of utter boredom).  I had not considered that to be what I hoped to be would require really hard work, actual problem solving, and divine help.  And all of this would be accomplished incrementally.

I enjoyed making muffins last night and taking them to the Gashlers, speaking of incremental accomplishment of goals.  Nolan asked if he'd be able to color in the service rainbow in Primary.  I think real-life experience is the best way to teach about love and service.  I also think that the older our boys get, the more opportunities there will be to give them real-life experience.  I'm excited for the future.  And I'm excited for the now.  With you.

Love,
your lady

Dear Lady,
There are nights when i stare off into the darkness of our room and wonder at my life. i wonder at things i have and haven't done. i wonder at life in New York and what might have been if different choices had been made. Then, ever so quiet, i turn and place my hand on your back. i feel you rise and fall with each breath and i decide that every choice i've made thus far really hasn't been so very bad when i consider that you're there and that in a few hours you'll open your eyes at me and smile.
There was a time that i didn't know you, and during those times i often wondered whether it was possible to love forever. i liked girls and dated all through high school, but i was constantly moving to the next thing. Then i spent two years with the Lord and learned some things about love, trust, and care. i came back and was surrounded by a marriage mentality, but found myself yet unsure about eternity.
Then along came a pretty girl with blue-green eyes. Now to be honest i knew nothing about you going into this other than i thought you were pretty (and i thought you were unequivocally pretty because i was uncharacteristically unwilling to let you go without stepping outside my comfort zone to ask you out). i am so glad you were so pretty.
On those late nights there is no decision i am more sure of than wanting another 6 years with you. You've made my life wonderful, and every moment worthwhile. Happy anniversary.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

Today has been great.  Very rough, but great.  Because I'm alive and you are.  Together, those two make me so glad, but that's pretty much it today.  Ha ha.  The boys have been fighting every moment they can get it in.  And they needed a bath two hours into the day.  By that time we were already out of warm water, but I didn't realize it until I went to wash their hair.  It was the perfect temperature when I adjusted it for filling and the boys just climbed right into the near-empty tub while it filled.  They never said anything about it being cold until I did.  Then they insisted on getting out and waiting for more hot water.

After the bath we did the following all the while whining, yelling, and quarreling:

We played with play-doh.  

We played "Super heros" on our bed (which is also the floor, you may have noticed).  Both of the boys wore Superman shirts and I played the Incredible Hulk.  I proved to them over and over that Hulk is stronger than two Supermans.  

We made popovers and did dishes.  There are still more dishes to do.  And more after that I'm sure.  Yikes.  Perhaps I'm falling apart because our house is falling apart.  Or perhaps our house is falling apart because I am falling apart.  

After lunch (noodles, popovers with jam and ham) 

we had reading time 

and naptime.  

Ahhh naptime.  Some days I appreciate nap time, some days I take it for granted, and then some days I honestly think I'll die if they don't take a nap.  Today was option 3.  And...... Nolan won't stay in there.

So I told him he needed to stay in our room until Gerret wakes up.  I need a break from his whining.

I just feel absolutely worn out.  And not in a physical way.  Every part of me except my body (and even that sometimes) is exhausted.  It's okay though.  The weekend is coming.  I'll keep on going.

As for housing... I really think we could make any place work for us.  Whether we're in Trumansburg without a car, in Lodi with funky people and a poor educational system, or Watkins with flood insurance.  I think we could make any of those work out for us.

In Lodi we could have a (seemingly) very nice home for very cheap, so maybe we could have a second car.  Maybe we could pay it off quickly.  Maybe we wouldn't have to put any money into fixing our house.  And though the school district seems to be questionable, I think we both would agree that that doesn't need to determine our children's ability to learn.

In Trumansburg, we'd definitely save on gas.  I'd definitely see you more each day.  You'd definitely spend less time in your car.  My mom would probably be willing to work with us on getting Nolan to pre-school until we could afford another car.  The house looks decent, if they'd accept an offer as low as we would need to make.

Watkins Glen is a happening place (compared to Lodi).  The boys and I could walk to the library, Clute Park, the school playground, the grocery store.  The boys already have friends there.  It would be pretty easy to become good friends with Mrs. Nyre.  There seem to be more opportunities in Watkins than anywhere else.... educational opportunities, opportunities to meet people, opportunities for employment, and opportunities to have the entire town flood.

And then Newfield.  It's the cheapest.  It's the closest to Ithaca.  It's in the Ithaca Ward.  It's the biggest plot of land with apple trees.

If I think about the barn, I feel so sad it makes me a little ill, but when I think about a new beginning with just our family in a home of our very own, worked out on our own time table, I feel hopeful and a little excited.  Hopefully we have learned what we were supposed to from this.  Hopefully we have done all we could to be the best we could be in this situation.  And now hopefully we can do for our family what needs to be done.  Thanks for sticking by me through all of this.  Thanks for being my example in so many ways.  Thanks for being my home wherever we do or don't find ourselves.  I love you.

-Your Lady

Dear Boy,

So.... invest in real estate like President Kimball?

I think you are and will be good at anything you decide to do.  You're just extraordinary.  That means: way more than average.  You're a different kind of a person --in a very good way.  When I first started to know you, I felt that right away.  I knew that I wouldn't run across many of your caliber.  I also knew that I felt something pretty dynamically special for you.  And I still do.  Even more so.

I trust you to do your best.  I trust that your best is really good.  And I trust that the Lord will take care of us.  The specifics are superfluous if your heart is in the right place.  

I spent two hours at the food pantry this afternoon.  And it was a sweet relief to serve like that and to smile at people who don't get many smiles.  It reminded me of my past with the food pantry and how I came to know many of the people and love being with them.  They are so humble.  They weather trials that a portion of the world never have to think about.  There is so much to learn from them.

That's all.  Now I'm off to spackle at the barn.  I still think spackle is a word, even though this Mac doesn't recognize it as such.  Some call it mud.  Others call it joint compound.  I think it deserves its own distinct name.

From Your Lady

Dear Lady,
Thanks for talking to me last night. i can be kind of a mess some times. i spent most of last night and this morning and the first half of work thinking about what path i ought to take for the support of our family and all of our adventures. What i'm settling upon is that if i only manage to earn gainful employ—if i but secure good income for our family, i could then also pursue every other interest of my heart. Maybe some would succeed. Likely that some would fail. Perhaps a few might change the face of things (though honestly there's not much reason to venture out into the unknown save it is to change things).
What i mean is that, as you said last night, if we are wealthy, then that is the door to everything else. That's capital. That's investment on our own terms. That's our ticket to traveling the world. Our ticket to doing the most good. i do not think i am interested enough in film to do it forever. Nor in finance. Nor in anything. But i can be interested enough in anything long enough to change the face of it. i have yet to fully commit to this ideal, but when my dust settles, i feel this will be the decision that satisfies or exceeds all my family's needs and longings.
i love you so very much. i am so very grateful for your everlasting patience with a wandering soul such as mine. Our home is looking amazing. What an unforgettable weekend of kindness was given us. What good stock you really do come from. You yourself are it's torch bearer. You're stronger and more able than you'll ever admit to or realize, and i will remain by your side into the eternities if you'll have me.

i love your entirety.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

Thunder is closing in on us.  I love it.  It's been a rough day, but I think it might get better.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not really cut out for being a stay at home mom.  Like this week.  And I'm only half way through.  It makes me sad to feel this way, because it feels so wrong.  All I dreamed of being one day was a mother and a dang good one, but here I am in the thick of it and I find myself less than dang good and wishing there was a way out sometimes.

Dear Boy,
I didn't get to finish yesterday.  No nap time will do that for me.  But here I am today, in (almost) a new letter and a miracle has happened.  It is 50 minutes past closing the bedroom door for sweet solace and....  dah dah dah..... I haven't seen a whiny Nolan yet.

Anyhow, nothing changed today except maybe my attitude.  I'm ready to keep going.  So I struggle with my full-time job.  Sometimes it so taxing that I can't hold back a few tears.  Sometimes by lunchtime I feel so exhausted that I wonder how I'll make it through the rest of the day.  Or week.  But whatever position I could have picked, I probably would be worn out by it once in a while.  I know there are struggles in any job.   It stands that I chose this one and I still choose it.  I'm not about to give up.  Maybe by the time we have fifteen, mothering small children will be cake.

In other news.... the carpet is installed.  It's a nice color.  It's soft and cushiony.  The boys just ran around in circles in the middle of the room.  They danced.  They ran from wall to wall to wall.  They fell down many times.  They rolled around all over the floor.  When they got tired they just laid on their backs in the middle.  And then they'd start all over again.  Gerret brought his trains up.  Nolan played with matchbox cars.  I will feel a little sad for them when we move in the furniture.  What could be more inviting to a child than a wide open, soft, clean space to enjoy?  I ran around with them for a while and wow! is that carpet nice!

So now it's a full hour into nap time and it's looking like it's the real deal.  I think I'm going to go collapse on our bed and try to recover from the past week.  Thanks for working alongside me even until midnight.  I don't think I would be able to keep going up there if I was doing it alone.  Doing hard things is not so hard when I'm doing them with you.  I suppose that's what marriage is about.  I'm glad to be married to you.

-Lady

Dear Lady,
Wow did i ever have crazy dreams last night. Actually it was more like i kept falling asleep to the same messed up crazy dream. i'm glad that's over. Now, instead, i'm laying in bed next to you thinking maybe you shouldn't come to the barn with me because what if the boys wake up while we're gone.
Anyways, i love you and i'm sorry you don't have the friends you wish you did. i can relate though. You're the only real friend i've got besides Ed


—if you can count Ed. i spend large quantities of each day with people who will only ever be work acquaintances, and who often times make me feel uncomfortable. i wish it wasn't the case, and that we both had more local friends, but our current situation is what it is—current. i like to remember that it is only current. This isn't a forever. In fact it will be a small blip ten years from now.
i think you're on the right track with your resolves. Most particularly i think you could find a great friend in Mrs. Nyre, with some effort. Michael is a nice guy and i enjoy talking with him. Our families are pretty much perfect for each other. Though it will be nice to have the Chaffees up this weekend (though preparation for it is a little crazy).
There's a loud cat meowing off in the house somewhere right now. Our cat counts amongst the loud annoying ones now, wouldn't you agree?


Oh Cinder!
i hope your day is a great one, and full of smiles. Don't stress out about the barn. Remember that we've done amazingly, and that we only have so much time. Don't let anyone else stress you out either. Its okay to say no, but do so kindly but firmly. We are not super-people. Rather we are a family of people who do what we can in super ways. We've accomplished more than the average individual could have in the past month. You are amazing and you will never cease to amaze me (or drive me crazy).
i love your entirety.

.a boy

Dear Boy,

I'm terrible at making friends.  I feel so awkward talking to people that I don't know (and even to people who I do know sometimes).... but I really need to associate with more people.  Particularly the uplifting kind.  Especially the female kind.  I need good mothering examples.  I yearn to hear other people's ideas and opinions.  I really miss Dana for that.  She was so good at articulating her thoughts.  I'm not at all.  But I could be better if I didn't only associate with people who overwhelm me.  So... I'm going to try to be more vigilant about going to playgroup (after this week) even though I feel so out of place there.  And...... I'm going to do more to be friends with Mrs. Nyre.  I think we both could benefit.

Thank you for being my very best friend despite my awkward, self-conscious, sometimes lunatic mannerisms.  I'm a work in progress.

Yours truly and forever,
Lady

P.S.  I enjoy this blog.  Would you like to keep it going?  Would you like to somehow make it better?  Would you making me an officer in it (or whatever they call someone with all authority?)

Dear Boy,

How about a 3-day weekend?  And sunshine?  And fireworks?  And the company of friends?

I'm trying not to be stressed out about tomorrow.  I'm thinking relaxing thoughts.  I'm trying to take things one step at a time.  What a difficult task for my type.  You know, the freaking out type.

I just spent a very long time trying to choose a replacement Shabby Apple dress.  So far, I am unsuccessful.  As it turns out, I think internet purchases are not so great.  They aren't usually cheaper, plus you pay for shipping, plus you don't fully comprehend what you're getting, and then if you don't like (or fit) what you ended up with, you might pay for shipping a second time.  As much as I think Shabby Apple has nice style, I think I'm finished with them after this.

As far as education goes... I like the idea of home-schooling.  I might even think it is the ideal.  At the same time, I find myself constantly struggling with reality in the face of my mind's ideals.  I moderate such struggles by reminding myself to just worry about the present.  It's okay, even preferred, to have ideals and goals, but it's not okay to be overwhelmed trying to be them.

I guess I'm also that type.  At least I recognize that, right?

I love you.  Let's go hiking in the next three days.  Thanks for being ever patient with me.  It was nice to hear from you at lunchtime.  It always is.  Because I love you.  I really, really do.

-Your Lady

Dear Lady,
This campus is pretty amazing. Another cool day, so i hiked out past Beebe lake this time and found a beautiful rhododendron garden that circles a hill. It's gorgeous, but tomorrow it may look even better (present company always seems to enhance or detract from the beauty of a scene and I have high hopes for tomorrow's company).
i've sent out Facebook letters requesting opinions from my friends about education reforms. i wanted to hear some other opinions and maybe get some new ideas. i really feel an obligation to our boys to provide them something better than a standard education, but i also feel strongly that simple home schooling is not the ideal (though i think it is much better than public schooling). i'm also trying to find information on the tessera program i attended and other programs like it. Perhaps we'll reform education together—at the very least we'll reform it for our boys.

I love your entirety.
.a boy


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Dear Lady,
Well I missed you again. I guess soon enough we will get you your own phone and then I might always get you on lunch.
I don't know where you are but I hope you are having fun. I was going to sit in a quiet place for lunch but it was such nice weather, such a nice breeze, that i just had to go hiking. So here i am at the end of Beebe lake.



Lots of people are out running. i guess today is a pretty good day for running. You know what else today is a good day for—adventure. Though for some adventure might be tacking wire up in a barn, or painting, or putting up drywall. i guess for me adventure is all those things i do with you.

Just think what adventure comes of ordinary things. A late night construction session on the barn also means a gorgeous field alive with fireflies. It means holding your hand and listening to coyotes outside. i was also wondering if Thursday after your eye appointment, if adventure might mean coming back to Cornell to hike around campus. i guarantee you have never seen such a beautiful campus. Waterfalls. Lakes. Streams. Parks. Quiet secret gardens. Will you come too?

I love your entirety.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

A stroke of serendipity had us hiking today.  It was beautiful.  We were in the woods and even saw a (much larger than last night's) snake.  

We set off to romp around a playground, first by bike (it was wet), then by my mom's car (she encouraged me to get all four kids out of the house).  

It turns out that they have wasted no time in tearing down the T-burg school playground in preparation for the new structure.  It's completely demolished and discarded neatly in a few large dumpsters.  So we continued to Not My Dad's, played in their stones, consumed ice cream, got soaking wet in their drinking fountain (Gerret) and then were on our way to Taughannock's playground.  It was rainy and still before noon, so I wasn't expecting them to be charging for entry at that time.  I was wrong.  And I was unwilling to fork over eight bucks.  I was afraid that if I went over to buy a 2010 park pass, they'd insist on me sticking it to my mom's car.  I decided it would be a better idea to park at the overlook and walk down.  And that's what we did.  I carried Gerret, Nolan, Elise, and Olivia walked.  The trail was much longer than I remember it being and by the time we made it to the playground, we were all so exhausted that all anyone felt like doing was sitting on the beach.  The lake was so pretty today and it was cool but not too cool.  We threw in stones and found shells and I thought about the impending hike back up (literally UP) to the car.  In the end (after playing a bit on the playground, using the restroom, and eating lunch by the lake), I left Olivia and Elise with the boys and ran back to the car by myself.  Well, I ran a majority of it, but at some points I had to slow my pace to a brisk walk because my heart felt like it was ready to explode.  Despite the hurry, my hike in solitude was so refreshing, kind of like my bike ride last week.  Thanks for that.  I loved it.

Maybe we could attend a concert in the park this summer.  They're on every Saturday evening starting July 10th.  It's $5 a car (I think that's suggested, maybe if we had a pass we could get in free).

Maybe not.  It seems that there are so many things that we would like to enjoy this summer, but every spare moment is already spoken for.  I think when it's time to go to Florida, we'll be ready to collapse.

I love you.  You are refreshing, more than even time spent in solitude or in nature or both.  I am okay with all of my spare time being spent on the barn if it means spending it with you.  You are my favorite vacation.  You even beat the ocean.  Thanks for being mine.   I hope you will be mine forever.

From,

This Lady

Dear lady,
I came out to go hiking but in a collar and tie and 80° weather with 90% humidity not a great idea as it turns out. So I am waiting beside beebe lake hoping that you get home and can may be call me before lunch ends, but if not I wanted to write you a letter.
You are everything to me and I hope you know that. Last nights walk was brilliant. It just felt so alive out there in the dark and rain and humidity and fireflies. I hope that even when we are old, we will go for walks like that. I hope that when we are old we can still walk like that.
Some times the barn seems so far from done but when I really think about it, you know it's closer than I think. It really is almost done. I think the upstairs could be done by weeks end—the new window aside. I sure have enjoyed working on it with you. When it's done we'll just get to enjoy it for the winter, and our yard, and land, and privacy. Isn't that neat? I can't wait. Things have been hard at times, and still, like this new home and land, things have been just in our favor.
Thanks for your love.
Thanks for your support.
Thanks for your patience.
I hope you are smiling today.



I sure love your entirety.
.a boy



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Dear Boy,

Stress is my biggest foe in the campaign for greatness.  I seem to have a knack for becoming overwhelmed.  Perhaps it's because I don't seem to have a knack for organization.  My head is a pool of worries --about anything and everything.  I don't know how to put them in order to solve them, so they just keep swimming.  Thankfully, we work together, Patrick the Boy and The Big L.  I can try to encourage you when you feel frustrated.  You are organized where I am not.

Speaking of overwhelming and completely stressful.... The Barn.  Ahhh, the barn.  I think it would be fine if it was something that didn't cost money and was something only you and I talked about.  Unfortunately, it is a real drain on money and more than just our concern. 

I spent a bit of time today shoveling and raking gravel for the shed on the West.  Gerret played with a dump truck on the edge of the gravel.  Nolan helped me rake.  Cinder slept in the tall grass.  We all missed you.

I always miss you,

Your Lady

Dear lady,
Frustration is an epic thief of greatness. And I decided that regardless my frustration with myself currently, I will not be robbed of greatness. Greatness is in me. And if I am a teller at work, then I will be a great teller at work. The greatest ever.
This is just a meantime goal. We will be great. I'm just not sure how to get there yet. I'm sure of how to be great. Less sure of how to get the opportunity to be great.
We'll revolutionize things because we always ask questions. We'll innovate things because we know how to have fun. And we'll enjoy all things because we'll do so many of them together.
A woman came in today with a passport so used it had no room for even one more visa. This was to be her last trip with that passport. I think I'd like to live like that, with my passport filling up before it expires.
—oh look, a little bunny not even the size of a softball—
When I was young I loved Indiana Jones, and particularly the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. In them his father travelled the world and took the family with him. I don't think I'd like to always be traveling, but I would love the adventure of experiencing new cultures often. Do you think you could help me get there?



I love your entirety.
.a boy


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Dear Lady,

Sorry that I'm a pretty wishy-washy person. I get frustrated at how incapable I often feel at guiding my own life. When I have a job I can handle it amazingly—revolutionizing it. At home I have ideas on what I should be doing and improving (though sometimes with only marginal improvements). Yet when left to my own devices to pursue my own projects, I can't tread water.
I'm not sure what it is, but it sure is frustrating. I love working with you and spending time with you and the boys. I enjoy helping anyone out anywhere, but I feel I'm built for so much more than that. I could contribute such great things to this world, but I don't know how.
In other news France is officially out of the World Cup.
I love your entirety.

.a boy

Dear Boy,

I picked strawberries and sugar snap peas at the CSA today.

 Last year they built a beautiful barn.  You should see it.  It is crafted so well.  It looks wood and good and smells wood and good.

Inside the barn was Evangeline (look how she lights up the sky... I sang it in my head) and her husband Paul.  They own the barn and the house and the fields and they run the CSA.  They were working for this afternoon's produce pick-up.  Moving pallets, crates, bins, baskets, cutting stems, roots, blossoms, rinsing, scrubbing, tumbling, stacking, unstacking.  They were working with their hands and working hard.  And they were doing it together.  It was evident that they'd been working all morning long and were expecting to work well into the afternoon.  Sometimes they were laughing and their 6-year-old girl was running in and out of the barn, barefoot.  They had friends helping and people coming in and out to get this or that or say, "hi" or "bye" on their way to pick in the fields.

I was... a little bit envious.  I'm sure there are trials that come with farming.  I'm sure there are very difficult worries and stresses.  But Evangeline and Paul love what they do, they work hard, and they work together.  I could go for something like that with you.

And that's what I thought about at the CSA today.  That and........ it is so beautiful here.  I thought that while I stood in the middle of a green field ripe with food.  I thought it on my bike ride out there (Gerret fell asleep, Nolan rode in the car with my mom... so I was free to soak in the scene).  There is beauty anywhere you go, but I think there could possibly be a little more here than many places.  I like it. A lot.

Mostly, I like you.  A lot.

-Lady

Dear lady,
I love warm weather. I'm sitting outside next to a little stream and waterfall just across the street a little from work. It's really a pretty place, and te tumbling of the water drowns out the traffic and commotion of campus (though now I've got the headphones in and AFI playing). It's such An amazing campus up here.

I'm really surprised no one else is out here.

We keep ourselves too busy in general. "Too Busy" isn't really a reference to how much we're doing, but I think it's rather a reference to what we're doing. There are plenty of people not "too busy" and we lovingly refer to them as couch potatoes. Then there are busy-bodies who fill their time doing all sorts of things ineffectively. I think the best is to find oneself with something to do at all times, but amongst all of that everything schedule time to lay down and enjoy a field of soft green grass.




I think the ability to enjoy a good lay in the grass is a better measure of mental and physical health than most anything else.
In any case—
Like I said last night, my ideal is to find myself working hard at things you're passionate about also. Camping. Hiking. Landscaping. Partying (?). Family history. Bicycling.
In life we will always find time to do our own things, so I think that where effort is required, we might just as best give our efforts to working together.
We're dynamic enough to do it.

With love,
.a boy


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To the Brown Eyed Boy I Like to Go Hiking with,

Today I feel all better!  I haven't tried any food too tough for my body to handle, but I'm eating normal food just fine and I have lots more energy. 

Health is never something to be taken for granted. 

We definitely will be more healthy when we live in our own house.  The wonderful thing about not having a basement is less mold.  (That's me looking on the bright side of not having a basement.)  Another healthy thing about living in our very own place will be less stress.  And more space.  And more windows.  All of these, plus having the final decision about the type of food we house, will aide us in our quest for health.  I, too, hope to work hard when I am old.  When I was sixteen I stated the goal as "I want to be able to run 2 miles when I am an old lady".  Now, I'm not sure if my old knees will be able to handle that... but I still have similar feelings about my old age.  I don't plan on being done living until I am really done living.  The key to working like a sicilian when you're 90 is, of course, working like one until you're 90.  That means hard physical labor for 90 years. 

I don't think I'm there yet.

Entertainers, huh?  That is something I am willing to work on with you.  It will take lots of work on my part.   Right now, I get overly stressed when we have people over, it tends to be overly expensive to feed lots of people, and I am still awkward and timid in social settings.  But... I am willing to overcome those obstacles.  I want to have friends.  I want my children to love people and to enjoy the company of other people.  I think entertaining is a good way to teach our children manners and how to put other people first.  I just think it could be great fun.  I hope that when everyone is leaving, we will also be thinking Oh boy!  Can't wait for the next one!  (Just like that, because I don't know about you, but the phrase Oh boy runs through my head on a regular basis).

Most likely, I am reguallarly thinking Oh boy, please stay forever.  Just like that.

-Lady

Dear Lady,
As always, Lindsay, no thanks are necessary. If you'll simply stay by my side and allow me to be there for you, I will; and that will be thanks enough.
It's been a rough week huh? That sickness has just been hanging with you by a thread and comes back in force with the slightest provocation. I'm so sorry. It's good to know you got a night of restful sleep and are feeling better today. It will be nice to have our own home without junk food in it. That'll be a good time to make a break with unhealthy foods entirely I think. It migh cost a little more to get the natural peanut butter, or fruit instead of snacks, but I think it will be worth it don't you? I think the greater health and fewer sick days will pay us back all of the extra that we spend. I've considered this for a while now, and I think our own home will be the final helpful push we need to accomplish it. After all, I'd like to be one of those sicilian's who can still work hard at 90 (even though I'm not Sicilian).
Maybe we can take a break from all of our home-work to get another hike notched in our belts. It'll be a nice day and we can pick out a shady path through the National Forest. And I'll get to work setting up our list of world travels and accomplishmets along the sidebar. I think that's a good idea. We always need constant reminders to be reaching for the next big thing. I read somewhere that in Rugby there is no gloating over goals or great plays (a practice far too common in American sports), but that rather everyone is focused on what they're going to do next. I think that's a good lesson.
Lastly, I really love you. I enjoy our new house so much because it is somethig for us to work on together. I also had a new idea for something to work on together, and that is I would like for us to be known as great entertainers. I'm not really sure why, but I just feel like I would love for us to be known as a great time. To invite people over informally, but also more formally. To be known for throwing great dinners or parties. To have the awesome dishes like we talked about. Or to make sweet dishes. To have you make great invitation cards for everyone. To have everyone leaving thinking "boy I can't wait for the next one of those."
To steal a line from you, "What say ye?"

.an ambitious boy

Dear Boy,

Thank you for all you do.  Always.  Most especially this week --

Thank you staying next to me when I feel lousy.  Thank you for taking care of everything around the house (even more than you usually do).  Thank you for keeping our sons happy and well.  Thank you for keeping me warm.  Thank you for keeping your sense of humor when I simultaneously kill the car battery and barf.  Thank you for rubbing my back and helping me walk.  Thank you for filling up the tub numerous times and making sure I don't drown when I fall asleep in it.  Thank you for sticking around when I vomit and thank you especially for disposing of it afterward.  Thank you for getting me drinks and ever asking what you can do for me even if there never is much. 

As can be expected --coming back from the trenches of illnes-- I feel anxious to live again and maybe even more than before.  I am grateful to have a body that works, grateful to be in an amazing world, grateful to live under favorable circumstances.  I just love life.  All I want to do is savor it everyday .  I want my children to love to be alive.  I want to help other people to love being alive.  And so....... I think we should put our lists of things to do on here.  That way they'll be readily accessible.

I'll start with a random list of things for us to do...
Let's go to the ocean(!)
and raise chickens,
find Lick Brook Gorge,
do 29 acts of service for your 29th birthday,
go to Sleepy Hallow,
live in a yurt in Alaska,
go to France,
serve a mission,
have a garden,
hike every trail in the Nat'l Forest before October 10th,
and get a dog. 

That's just a beginning.  Maybe we could add our list to the sidebar.  We can have more than one list.  We can make lists of things to do this summer, this week, after we "retire", in the next five years, when our kids are grown, in the eternities, when we're millionaires, when we are grandparents, when we have a Shave Ice machine, this year, in the next ten years, when we live in Spokane, when we live in Alaska, when we live in Guam... What say ye?

Love,
Your Lady Who Likes To Do Everything With You

Dear Lady,
It kills me when you're not well. Whether you're sick or sad or otherwise. When I know you're less than good (though preferably I'd like to see super or terrific) I have difficulty thinking of much else.
I know that opposition in life is important to each of us (the old don't help a butterfly out of it's cocoon shtick), but that doesn't make us any less eager to want to shelter those we love from harm. Marlin in Finding Nemo. Joseph Smith with his sick brethren of Zion's Camp.
I'm always relieved to be with you again and to know I'm there to do my best (whether or not that's very good or worth while) to shelter you from the ills of life (literally ills since you're sick today).
I think though that I am the most disturbed by days when you or I are not doing so well because our lives hold such promise. To answer your previous question, I know we are capable of greatness—both collectively and individually. I feel it everyday and am frustrated if I'm not trying to live up to it. We've not got ourselves in the most favorable of conditions, but fortune is slowly turning again for us. The world had better be on guard don't you think? Because so soon as we have our footing again, there'll be no telling what we won't do and where we won't go.





We can and in due time certainly will influence all of humanity.

With regards :)
.a boy

Boy,


Maybe because the sky is crying, that's all I've felt like doing either.  I really don't know what's wrong with me today. I have a list of things that could be wrong, but they don't deserve much crying.


The house is a huge mess, but it will remain so.  I don't feel like cleaning anything because it's too hard.  There's too much stuff and so little space.  Too many papers and not enough filing cabinet.  Too many clothes and not enough drawers (you can say that "drahhs", if you please).  Too many kids books and not enough kid book shelves.  I feel like throwing everything out, but I could possibly regret that if we ever live in something more than 800 square feet.  I feel like buying another vacuum cleaner, but that's not in the budget.  Will I ever love to vacuum again?  I once enjoyed such a pass-time, now vacuuming means endless frustration.  Ahh, well.


I miss my grandpa.  It comes in surges.  Like storm clouds.  Today, perhaps to coincide with the ones outside, the clouds are in and heavy.   It feels very much to me like I've lost my own father. He taught me and loved me and was a constant in my life in much the same way the very best of fathers are. It's still going to take a lot of adjustment.


In addition to some other things that have been taxing my emotions (which will not be discussed on a blog... that's what I'm talking about--FAKE), I woke up with a headache which continued until lunchtime when I buckled and took some IB Profen.  All in all, I've just felt sad today.  And stuck inside.  And motionless.  With a headache.


No worries, though. The IB Profen worked its magic.  We did go outside before the skies let loose to take sand to the barn and check the water tank pump (it was on).  We also played with play-doh, made shape cookie dough (shape cookies to come...they are soooo excited about the new sprinkles), had a long "loud" reading time, watched Dora (blech), and had a successful lunch followed by a successful nap-time. 


It's raining, but I think the sun will shine again.  And I'll be okay.


Yours Truly,
The Big L (Lady)

Dear Lady,
I miss you from the other side of the lake.
It's raining today so I can't go outside to call you. I think I might try it later with my umbrella, but with the rain beating down on the vinyl like a drum it might not be too great. As for the break room, I always think it's awkward when people carry on conversations on their phone in here. You know? Forever hearing just one end of the conversation.
In any case I love you and thought you should know.
Our new home will be so much fun, and it's nice to think about building it to our specs. It's also special in some way to know that when we look at it we'll always know that was us. We are a part of the house in a way most people aren't.
That's exciting.

.a boy

Dearest Brown-eyed Boy,

Thanks for working all vacation with me.  And taking moments here and there to play.  I'm sure that I have never felt more exhausted after a week of vacation, but I am so happy for that.  Better sentiments accompany activity rather than lethargy.  At least for me.  I am always itching to do something --especially work --especially with my hands.  I even get depressed when I sit still to long.  Winters are soooo hard for me.

And so I shoveled horse manure during naptime today.  I took time for spiritual feasting.  I got the mail.  I pondered all the while.  It was a much-needed two hours of quiet and working with my hands.

Do you feel like you are made for something great?  I mean really great?  Extraordinary, even?  Knowing what I do, I understand that every child born on this earth is made for something great... but I'm talking about more than that.

I'm itching to do something again, so I'd better go.  I think I'll take the shuffle hoe to the vegetable garden.

From Your Lady

P.S.  I feel a bit fake writing letters on a blog.  How can I overcome this?  Or should I even worry about it?

Dear Lady,
Gypsum?
In any case, I've respected your ideas because they're respectable (even though you may not always think so). That's a step for me also, because my time in school projects was spent not unwilling to participate due to timidity, but rather feeling I was the only one in the idea with ideas worth contributing. We've come from far different spectrums of life style, but life, growth, time, and experience led us both to the same point—geographically and spiritually.
As far as constructing our home goes, i agree that is probably a venture worth something physical, but I'm looking for more. I want stamina. I want endurance. I'm looking, simply, to feel satisfied with where I find my physical health is at. And right now you couldn't find my physical health with a GPS.
It's also no secret that I love the outdoors, and adventure, and not sitting still (though I'm writing this whilst lying down). I want to prepare myself physically to accomplish more than I have. To have the stamina to hold up to adventure. To endure the outdoors.
And will I go running with you . . . .





Love Always
.a boy

To My Boy,

So does that mean you'll run with me??

Seriously though -- I think constructing a home is worth something as far as exercise goes.  I hope it is, because I'm not sure there will be time for much else in the coming months.

It's fun to have something to work on with you.  Always.
There's a wonderful satisfaction in creating things together, just us two.

That really says something because I've never cared for group projects --perhaps because I've always been a little timid.  In the past, my ideas and concerns largely went unnoticed, which was mostly my fault, but frustrating nonetheless.  This has never been the case in our group projects.  You've been mine for 6 years now (really??!!??) and you have always respected my ideas and even encouraged me to express them.  

So how about that gypsum board...

Your Wall Building Friend,
Lady

A Resolution

Dear Lady,
Alright.
Enough is enough.
I hereby resolve to get in better shape.
Hold on . . . I need to sit down . . . I'm getting winded just thinking about it.
. . .
Okay, I'm good.
I really want to start living healthier. Eating better. And especially—exerting myself more physically. Is it too much to ask for a washboard stomach?
It might be. I don't care in any case. I just want to know I've got stamina. I want to play basketball and not get winded. I want to work outside and not faint. I want to go backpacking and not—



So you get my point. I need to be in better shape and the only shape I'm in right now is the potato. So I'm not sure what it'll be, but I'm going to have a night time regimin to participate in.
No for real.
I'm really gonna do it this time.
Okay, fair enough, you'll have to see it to believe it.
Much love.
.Your boy