That letter did actually show up on my blog in google reader. Don't worry though. I think I've successfully scared away most of my former blog visitors with less-frequent-than-infrequent and mostly-boring posts.
I missed the storm this morning, though I did watch the one last night long after you passed to unconsciousness. I love storms like I love fireflies like I love ice-cream cones like I love gray cats like I love boy giggles like I love tickling the ivories like I love dirty garden hands like I love bike riding through the countryside. And if you put all of that together into one big love, it'd look like a speck next to the love I have for you. In fact all of my greatest loves are not big at all compared to the love I love you with.
So this is what I think about solely persuing a passion versus working soley and passionately at something other than a passion... I'm beginning to think it is necessary to follow a dream. Perhaps working hard at one special thing allows a person to be better at everything else they do. Perhaps only a handful of lucky people have their professions in what they truly love and/or are most talented in. Perhaps it is luckier to not be in that line of work --to have something wonderful at home/on the side/filling in the cracks/like a hidden treasure-- to not be defined by the way you earn a living. Maybe it allows one to have contact with more, varied people. Maybe the separation is a healthier thing, because it seems that those whose professions are their passion often allow it to take over their lives. I might just be trying to point out that balance is essential. At the same time, having a dream and following after it is also essential. I wish I had realized this ten years ago.
I know for myself, I really need to do something that I love and that I can focus on. I am a stay-at-home-mom, but I don't want that to define me. Staying at home is the way I currently "earn my living". It's my job. Its not my favorite thing to do. And most of all, I stink at it. But... I think it's important that I do this, I realize I won't stay at home with small children forever, and I think I can become better at it even if it's not my passion. But... I need something else. And that brings me back to focusing on something I do love/feel good at. That may be the key to coming to better terms with my staying-at-home status, might even allow me to love it more. At the very least, it would feel fulfilling to do something that I really like doing. It may improve my perception of myself. It may improve the boys' perception of me.
It would be nice if that thing I did was with you. It would be nice to work on something more with you than cleaning the kitchen. I wish we did, but it often seems that the things you enjoy and the things I enjoy are vastly different. Maybe we could alternate months to choose a project?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
To a Fine Lady,
> I don't know if you're awake or asleep for this, but I pulled up a chair to the back door to listen to the thunderstorm. Some of it has been so terrific that I could hear it in the shower even though the bathroom window was closed.
> Cinder is here now, hoping I'll let her outside.
> Thank you for your continuing love and support in my life. You've no idea how heavily I lean upon you. (We just lost power for a few seconds there) I'm glad I've always been able to perform well in this job because it has meant a lot for our family, but I wish I knew how to really enjoy it, or how to go about doing something I really enjoy. As always, it's a shame we're not just paid to be together.
> I'm not sure if this now six year struggle is because of a perception I lack, or because I've sold myself short. I'm not sure if I'm dissatisfied because of the line of work I'm in, or because I just have a hard time sitting still—meaning maybe I need to constantly be getting promoted. I think it's the former though because I did just get promoted and yet I'm still anxious and fidgety. (I think I just saw lightning strike the same place twice)
> I regret not changing majors to some kind of science. Something that would have given me an avenue to the outdoors. I felt sure I was following answers to my prayers when I pursued film, bit I guess my always lackluster pursuit of film should have been an indication to me that it was no longer for me. Or maybe that I had the wrong approach to it. After that first year in the program I never cared about film the same way again. It has just been a steady decline away from my interest in it. (I think lightning just struck there a third time) The Lord will provide us counsel, but he won't tell us to do something or marry someone we don't wish to do or marry. I think perhaps that was an issue. When I wanted to marry you I really wanted to marry you, and the Lord honored that. Whenever I prayed for a career though, I just kind of left it up in the air. Kind of like "tell me anything and I'll do it" and that's not really appropriate I don't think. So then I pursued film like I work at the credit union: doing my best, and doing good things, but without any real love of it.
> Should we love what we do before we begin, or should we just pursue the path we fall into and find happiness there. Because it's not like I've been unhappy. I meet good people. Get good benefits and pay for our family. (We lost power again—now it's back) Help people and improve the credit union. It's been great. But I grew myself on fantasy and adventure, and I guess work at a credit union just falls short of that. Is that silly? To steal a line from Stardust, I don't feel like much of a shop boy.
> I'll keep at it with the credit union forever if necessary, it pays well and let's me learn new things and I become an example for the church in the community. But is there something greater out there for us? More epic? More adventurous? I guess that's what I'm always wondering ands hoping.
> All this should not be misconstrued as dissatisfaction with anything. That's not what I am implying, but my favorite parts of the day are those I spend with my family and those when I'm outside, and I just wonder if there's work out there for me that involves more of those two things. I sure hope so, because I could never see enough of you.
> I love your everything.
> .Patrick the Boy
>
>
> Sent from my iPad
> Cinder is here now, hoping I'll let her outside.
> Thank you for your continuing love and support in my life. You've no idea how heavily I lean upon you. (We just lost power for a few seconds there) I'm glad I've always been able to perform well in this job because it has meant a lot for our family, but I wish I knew how to really enjoy it, or how to go about doing something I really enjoy. As always, it's a shame we're not just paid to be together.
> I'm not sure if this now six year struggle is because of a perception I lack, or because I've sold myself short. I'm not sure if I'm dissatisfied because of the line of work I'm in, or because I just have a hard time sitting still—meaning maybe I need to constantly be getting promoted. I think it's the former though because I did just get promoted and yet I'm still anxious and fidgety. (I think I just saw lightning strike the same place twice)
> I regret not changing majors to some kind of science. Something that would have given me an avenue to the outdoors. I felt sure I was following answers to my prayers when I pursued film, bit I guess my always lackluster pursuit of film should have been an indication to me that it was no longer for me. Or maybe that I had the wrong approach to it. After that first year in the program I never cared about film the same way again. It has just been a steady decline away from my interest in it. (I think lightning just struck there a third time) The Lord will provide us counsel, but he won't tell us to do something or marry someone we don't wish to do or marry. I think perhaps that was an issue. When I wanted to marry you I really wanted to marry you, and the Lord honored that. Whenever I prayed for a career though, I just kind of left it up in the air. Kind of like "tell me anything and I'll do it" and that's not really appropriate I don't think. So then I pursued film like I work at the credit union: doing my best, and doing good things, but without any real love of it.
> Should we love what we do before we begin, or should we just pursue the path we fall into and find happiness there. Because it's not like I've been unhappy. I meet good people. Get good benefits and pay for our family. (We lost power again—now it's back) Help people and improve the credit union. It's been great. But I grew myself on fantasy and adventure, and I guess work at a credit union just falls short of that. Is that silly? To steal a line from Stardust, I don't feel like much of a shop boy.
> I'll keep at it with the credit union forever if necessary, it pays well and let's me learn new things and I become an example for the church in the community. But is there something greater out there for us? More epic? More adventurous? I guess that's what I'm always wondering ands hoping.
> All this should not be misconstrued as dissatisfaction with anything. That's not what I am implying, but my favorite parts of the day are those I spend with my family and those when I'm outside, and I just wonder if there's work out there for me that involves more of those two things. I sure hope so, because I could never see enough of you.
> I love your everything.
> .Patrick the Boy
>
>
> Sent from my iPad
Thursday, June 2, 2011
To my dear Boy,
We're not out of the woods yet. Nolan had a fever of 104 again at 12:30. It was down to 101 a half hour later after he took Tylenol. Gerret refuses to get dressed today. Nolan and I made sugar cookies. The kitchen needs a lot of attention now. I raked the garden, intending to plant seeds with the boys today, but they both felt it too windy/cold to be outside without complaining. So they went inside to watch Dumbo while I mowed the backyard. It was when I came in that I noticed Nolan looking glassy eyed. And that's been our day thus far. All of this intermingled with Gerret whining and the iPhone singing with Facebook updates. It's funny some of the people who care to acknowledge my birthday. It makes me want to be more friendly --and not just on Facebook. Anyway, I love you. I'm glad for my life because it's one spent with you. And now... naptime. Hallelujah.
From your lady
From your lady
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