Dear Boy,

I would like to have the same sleep schedule as you. I think we would be more united. I know my current AM actions don't reflect this desire, but it's the truth anyway. The problem is that i have never learned to be a morning person. Even the times in my life when I was consistently waking (and accomplishing) before seven... it was never easy and I eventually gave in to my inner grump who kept whispering to my motivation that morning was not the place for her. Anyway, even if I am never a morning person and I always have to ward off that inner grump, I'd still like to try (again) (and again after I inevitably fail).

As far as the chalkboard goes, it needs to be cut before it is painted. I had the hole marked and the blade of the jigsaw ready when I noticed that the mark was crooked. And that's when I gave up. For now we could clear off some of the fridge to display the scripture there, but our boys don't read yet, so maybe we could do a pictogram of the scripture too?

I think we would do better at Family Night if we did better at having family council. The boys are old enough to understand and contribute.

And now we're back to What should I/you/we do with my/your/our life? I'm not sure that the particulars are important, so long as we are always learning/serving/doing/being/becoming something. The means of accomplishment are of little consequence, I think. At least in my case, I don't think I've been called to any one thing. Maybe lots of things, but not any one. I think we are expected to use our gifts and talents for the blessing of others. Therefore, our responsibility is to figure out what those gifts and talents are, figure out how to employ them, then actually go and do. More on this later perhaps? I have to go. I love you.

From me

Dear friend,

I love you.
It's the first day due back at work. Stinker huh? I'll miss you.
I was considering the idea I had raised to you. That idea concerning scripture memorization in place of scripture study. Did you already have the other chalkboard painted and it just needed to be cut? If so we could quickly get it cut and hung. If it wasn't painted (it's a little too cold to paint it now) we could just write the scriptures on paper and just make it look nice. I want to move on this because I think we have let there be too much lax in our gospel devotion in-home (at least on my part) and that is perhaps the cause of the boys disharmony when together. In any case it will never hurt to improve our efforts right?
Now we need to reconvene concerning FHE.
As concerns other bits of our future I think we would do well to huddle and determine some plans/goals.
We are doing well. Moderately. Our temporal needs are met. We are seeing to better satisfying our spiritual needs. What remains then is to excel. Not just excelling in the simple sense of doing our best. Rather I mean to reach beyond our current accomplishments and deeper into the recesses of our hearts. The Lord has proven he is willing to provide for us even in areas for which we were unqualified and unstudied. So why don't we really give some effort to pursuing our true interests and passions?
Of course the first (and often hardest) step is discerning what our interests really are. Writing it down, getting it outside the safe house of our heart can be frightening and even tumultuous, but it's the one way we obligate ourselves to the idea.
We know what brings lasting happiness: service to our God and neighbor, but the way we become serviceable is through learning and growing. The Lord does not expect me to help anyone by performing surgery because I don't have the learning, and I don't have the learning because it wasn't a priority for me. We are a giant clock of moving parts and we each have a role to fill, but we get to choose the role. So what will we choose? What paths will we take? We seek happiness through service, but until we anxiously pursue our passions and the learnings that are acquired therefrom, we will only be meekly serviceable. Our capacity to serve, and therefore to be happy, is tied to our efforts to learn and grow.
Let us not spend our time learning and growing at half-speed, doing things we only peripherally care for. It is when we truly set to work upon accomplishments we care deeply for that we will learn at a blessed and accelerated rate. Then we will have exceptionally serviceable skills. Then our skills will reflect the goodness of our God.
I'm sure I struggle with this more than you, but I like working with you and so I was hoping that even if you don't feel the same struggles you would help me with mine.
If I were to list some goals they would be as follows:
•my work allows me more time at home.
•work allows me more time exploring/traveling with my bag on.
•work involves writing and photography. Sharing with others.
•work involves affiliation with a museum/collection.
•work is at Cornell (that would be amazing).

These are some of my dreams. My goals. I have always felt, at the very least, that if I had to work away from home that I should at least like to really enjoy what I'm doing. At least that much.
I love you. I love the adventure of life with you. It's been a dream to work alongside you these few years. I enjoyed our outing on Sunday and hope for many more such expeditions.
I'll see you tonight.

Dear Boy,

In keeping with the high school-esque character of last night, I slept in until 9:30 this morning. Call me lazy or juvenile, but it was luxurious. I reveled in every moment of it and had some wild dreams. It seems the craziest dreams come in the morning. Or maybe thats when i'm most able to remember them. While I was dreaming and Gerret was playing on a pillow above and to the right of my head, Cocoa took the opportunity to sort the garbage can for us. She sorted it on the floor into things to ingest, things to *try* to ingest, and non-ingestables. Apparently, most of our trash falls into the first two categories, because everything strewn across the kitchen floor and into the living room had on it evidence of her trying it. I'm assuming that the soggy, teeth-bitten remains were decided to not consumable (able to be digested is entirely a separate matter which I don't believe our foraging dog took into account). Of particular note are the egg shells which eventually were not ingested, but apparently not first without an effort made in their consumption. Tiny crunched up shells were scattered like confetti, throughout the kitchen and in a festive path through the living room to the dog bed, which I found surprising as she typically favors any piece of floor -carpeted or not- over that bed. And so my week-long desire to vacuum has been necessitated by our intuitive mutt.
Because I was pretending to be a teenage mom, when I finally pealed myself from the bed, I stumbled into the kitchen to enjoy some cake and rice crispy treats for breakfast with Gerret.

...... And now, two hours later, I'm back again because the baby is fed/cleaned/entertained/back asleep. Gerret finally succeeded in motivating me to go upstairs for the computer so he can at last satisfy his dire need to watch Robin Hood. You know something? I've seen Robin Hood, Man in Tights more times than maybe any other movie I've ever seen and I still am unable to quote even one line from it. For the record, I only watched it so many times because my brother and his friend loved it and I loved hanging out with them (because I didn't know how to procure my own friends).

I'm thinking about exercising before I shower. My chest/arm hurts today like good old times, which is why I'm still undecided.

My mom says it's a bad idea for me to get an evening/night job. I think I've talked about it enough times to her recently that yesterday she just said " Honestly, I really don't think you should do that". It would make me grumpy to my children, she thought. I told her that I'm already grumpy to them, but maybe she's right. At the same time, how would I know if I don't try? I want to make money and associate with people. Just for awhile. Maybe a year. Or maybe I can figure put a way to do something from home? What do you think?

From me, your lady

Dear boy who I love,

Thank you for giving me time to myself this morning. My sanity is very much appreciative. You are so kind to me. I wish I were as thoughtful in return. I wish I could express emotion so readily and so well as you. I fall short, but that doesn't mean I love you less or don't think of you when you're away. The very opposite is the case. My thoughts of you fill quiet moments. And every un-quiet moment has something of you in it, because you are part of me. And because you are part of me, I feel complete. My life is full since I met you. I'm so glad you stayed.

From, this (taken by me especially with you in mind):

Dear Boy,

You're asleep here on my lap like good old times. I'm awake, awaiting a taste of rice pudding. It will be a (hopefully) sweet ending to a fairly bitter day. I have a hard time some days because I feel like it is impossible to be satisfied with my performance. I simply cannot do everything that I would like to. I cannot have happy, bathed, intellectually and creatively stimulated kids and a clean, organized house, and be of service to others and provide myself intellectual, spiritual, creative, and physical exercise and get a good amount of sunshine/fresh air and have a balanced,delectable meal ready by 7. And I get frustrated easily. It makes me want to lose the dog, because when I feel especially inadequate to the task of being me, I think that I could at least do without her. One day I just might snap and really lose her.
Saturday is my moms birthday. I have an infinite number of things waiting for my accomplishment. Maybe you and the boys can go to Palmyra.

From me

Dear Lady,

Dear Lady,

You are my heart. At least there's no good distinction between the two (other than your being a bit larger and not quite so gross, though both are full of blood): i need both you and my heart; you're both right at the center of me; you both are what keeps me going each day.
See what i mean? You are my heart.
If there's time i would love to do rice pudding with you tonight. i just like you so much. A wrinkle-the-nose-when-i-think-about-it kind of like. it's nice to be honored by my work place, but i'd rather be home with you. i hope you are convinced of that. Even if my sleepiness would deny it i really do treasure evenings with you; every moment with you really.
i'm glad you accepted my invitation into the Adventure Club. i feel like it's important. Like perhaps too many of God's children have not only not listened to the gospel, but they haven't taken advantage of what it is to be alive. i'm glad we don't have a television. i hope our boys will appreciate it. There are plenty of shows i enjoy, but i prefer to seek them out when i have a moment, not having them constantly streaming in as an excuse for actually accomplishing a great life. When our children—or anyone for that matter—think to me i want them to think two things:
1. He knows God lives and lives like he knows God lives.
2. An adventure is about to happen.

Dear Boy,

So. Adventure. And a club. A club about adventure. That's great, because I'm all about adventure. Or I used to be. Or i used to think i was. Or I wish I was. Or someday I will be.

No, really.

Even if I don't currently do more adventuring than fighting a ravenous (for sugar) three-year-old, surviving diaper explosions, and living on the windiest hill in the world, I have dreams of doing more than the same. I don't relish in ruts. The stagnancy of doing the same every day makes me feel itchy. Change soothes my soul. I like to try new things, push my limits, endure frustration, love people, feel the pulse of adrenaline, be confident in myself. Or i think i like those things. Or maybe i used to. I don't remember.

But I can try to remember.

Improvement. Stretching. Testing. Learning. Tasting. Becoming. These are ways to live loudly and really breathe. And I want to live that way. And maybe I do live that way on some days every once in awhile. And you inspire me often to live that way or at least to remember that living that way is a possibility. But I'd like it to be a way of life, not just an idea to visit from time to time.

So, dear boy. I'm in. I'm game. I'm ready for goals. I'm ready to change.

Love, your lady