To My Boy,

I agree that you should be passionate about what you do, but I'm not sure that your career necessarily has to be the "what you do".  It could just be the means to another end.  It could be a small part of what you do.  Thankfully, we believe that this life is just a blip in forever, so in the long run it doesn't entirely matter what you do.  Not that I want to confuse you more, but I think your assessment that you should just pick something and go with it was probably closer to the truth.  Should you enjoy what you do?   I think so.  Is it bad to be passionate about your career?  No way.  But I don't think that's a requirement for leading a fulfilling life.  To feel fulfilled, you need passionate about something(s) and probably find balance in your endeavors.
I also think we need to get out of here, as in New York, but maybe that's just the experience of the past 3 years speaking.  Maybe I'm worn down and willing to do anything differently.  More immediately, I think we need to get out of here, as in my parents house.  I have a feeling we'll be able to have clearer thoughts  when we're in our own home.  Or just be passionate about something.
This is what I was trying to say earlier (my thoughts kept being interrupted, so I don't know if what came out sound the way it did in my head)- The way to be great in the world is first just to be great.  I think the natural consequence of being great is that you will be great to more than just yourself and your family.  A great person seeks to improve themselves for the benefit of others (or the world).  I think Joseph Smith said that a lot more eloquently than I just did.
I think we're great people, the two of us.  We work on becoming greater and that's mostly what makes us great.  We have placed ourselves in a situation where our choices are limited.  They have been for a while now.  It's hard to be patient, but we have to be as we slowly untangle ourselves from this awful web.  We have to be patient with ourselves.  I'm sure that the most difficult person to be patient with and the easiest person to tear down is myself.  And that's not an act of humility.  I'm sure that our Heavenly Father expects us to treat all of His children kindly, to withhold judgement and to forgive.  Even ourselves.

I love you.  I trust you.  I find every happiness in you.

Lady

Dear Lady,
You have health complications, I have career complications. Thank you for your patience with my issues and I'm sorry I've been markedly absent from here for a while.
Admittedly most of my mental capacities are being donated to our future right now. "What will we be doing in 5 years (or even 1 or 2 for that matter)." I've learned a lot in the past three years as I've struggled through these questions. At each answer found, however, I seem to find another question to frustrate myself.
Recently I thought I just needed to choose something and commit to it. I'm not so sure that's the case. What I've come to find is that it's not so easy to commit and follow through on something you're not passionate about to begin with. But I'm not so sure I'm passionate about much right now. Or rather, I don't know what I'm passionate about that I could turn into a career. I do think we need to get out of here though. Maybe not right now. Maybe we can give you your year or two, but then if we don't go back to school, we at least need a bigger city.
I have all sorts of ideas for ways to make a career in film work. Great ideas. But I need to find passion about it or something first. I still remember how hard that passion hit me at BYU that first semester. I didn't know what I was going to study and then I suddenly knew it with the zeal that made me the star in the program. Now, I'll admit I didn't handle that first year very well, but i would love to have that passion back about something, anything that was career like. I could be so great in this world.
Thank you for ever listening to my ramblings and warbling. You light up my life, even when its dark so I have learned to sleep well even with the lights on.
(I hope you had fun at the fair)

.a boy


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Hey Boy,

You still there?  Just kidding.  I know you don't have Toy Story playing to entertain your co-workers and CFCU members while you write me a little note.  I guess I'm lucky that way.

We're going to the fair at noon.  I feel... eh.  Mostly just frustrated.  I don't want to lay down all day.  I don't like the nagging worry associated with body problems.

So we're going to the fair because I hope the boys will enjoy it and because I need some distraction. 

Thank you for being so kind and patient when I have infirmities.  It seems like I do a lot.  Thanks for sticking by me even when I don't feel like sticking by myself.

With All the Love I Possess,
Lady

Dear Boy,

It's raining today just like it did yesterday and I'm thinking of you because you're supposed to be working outside today.  I wonder if plans changed.  Or are you really wet?  Or maybe it's not so rainy on the other side of the lake.
Willy is sitting on my lap as I type.  He smells like hay, which is better than manure like last night, but I'm still thinking about dabbing a little shampoo on the crown of his head and sending him out into the rain.  The hay smell is strong.  But he is happy, drooling and pumping, so I'll at least wait until his mood changes.  We both know that will come quickly.
We played in our new camper/playroom this morning.  Nolan drew on the magnet board drawing thing (a map for camping, of course).  Then he played pretend something with the plush Mater.  Gerret played with trains.  And Cinder followed us in to just do cute things.  We're all so predictable.
The camper stinks.  Especially when you're on or near the floor.  I think the carpet has been used for a bathroom on more than on occasion, perhaps habitually.  In fact, it smells so rancid that I couldn't smell Gerret's poopy diaper over it.  Maybe his diaper even smelled just like the carpet.  I don't know.
This I do know:  you are so special to me.  You make me feel complete.  You make me love like I didn't know I could.  Every good thing reminds me of you, yet you are better than every good thing.  I love riding my bike, driving in the country, rainy days, wind sounds out my window, a cone of bittersweet, cats, running, fresh pineapple, climbing trees, walking in woods, sewing pretty things, photos of loved ones, flower gardens, music to smile about, leaves changing, looking out from the tops of hills or mountains, sleeping in tents, playing at the ocean, thunder and lightening nearby, green grass, big clouds, board games, soft sheets, sledding, swimming, kayaking, watching snow fall especially at night when it sparkles, laughing, singing, helping people, smiles, chocolate cake, sitting on the edge of a lake.  And on and on.  But the combined love I have for all of these, though great on its own, is near to nothing compared to how I love you.
from your lady

Dear Boy,

This is what's on my mind:

Nolan needs to learn a better aiming technique.  Whichever he is currently employing is FAILING miserably.
Since we're talking about urine, might I add that that's mostly all that's been on my mind today.
Because I feel like I have to pee.  Constantly.  But to relieve myself HURTS and ends up being no relief at all.  What a miserable position I'm in, no matter what position I try out.  It's really miserable.
Also on my mind.... housing.  Isn't that on your mind too?  I wish there were an obvious choice.  Like the easy kind of choice.  Of course, we've already learned from experience that the seemingly easy choice isn't always the best.  All that can be expected of us, I think, is to make the best of the choices that have already been made and make better choices in the future.  Good things have come from this awful choice to be in NY....... right?
Do you remember when we first came here that we had lists of pros and cons for living in Spokane, NY, Utah (anywhere else?  I don't remember.), going back to school, doing other stuff? What happened to those lists?  I don't know that we ever came to a conclusion.  We were kind of stuck and tired out and about to have Gerret, I think.
I love you.  I want to be with you forever.  Through every decision and indecision.  I'd like to stick with you.  So, I do hope you'll keep me.

That's not all.... but I have to GO.  You know?

-Lady

Dear Lady,
i missed you today and couldn't be sadder.
i suppose i could be sadder if you weren't there when i got home either.
In any case, work is going alright and i am, as ever, anxious to be with my family again. Thank you for the walk last night in the mist and rain. Thanks for just laughing when i shook the tree branches and soaked you a little bit. Most of all thank you for always indulging me in any intellectual path i happen to wander down. i will figure this all out soon enough i am sure. We are, after all, pretty dynamic.
can you believe the clouds!? Now of all times. i do hope that we get a break in the clouds sometime. All these stars falling and no one in New York can see it. So many wishes, but no wishes permitted. The shower goes for a while still though, so i am sure we will see some. i love to wonder at the stars (or anything really, but particularly stars). Wouldn't you agree that there is not enough wondering happening in the world. Maybe there is a way to make a living putting wonder back into people's lives. The kind of wonder you can find in a great story, or in children's books, or in gazing at stars, or finishing a hike to the mountain top, or in receiving a gift from a friend.
Yes i think the world needs more wonder. i chased after film because it created things that made me wonder in amazement, but couldn't there be more of that, and in more places than just cinema (though cinema too)—everywhere?
i love every moment of you.

.a boy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

It's been interesting the past few days to try to switch gears from "barn" to "life".  Though it shouldn't have been, the barn had become an excuse for doing poorly in most aspects of my life.  Visiting Teaching flew out the window a few months back as did my devotion to the young women.  I felt too stressed to volunteer to do service or even to return phone calls (admittedly, that one's always taken a little more gumption).  I was too frazzled to do a lot of smiling or even to be patient, kind, or show much gratitude.  Making plans for, shopping for, talking about, and working on the barn had become my life since May.

And now I'm switching gears.  Back to life.  Here's August and I'm making plans for dinner, doing laundry and dishes, and playing with my children without feeling a pull from my slave-master (the barn).  There is a load off my shoulders and I feel great.  Good habits are easy to break and more difficult to form, so it's going to take some work to be what I'd like to be..... especially because I wasn't much what I hoped to be before the barn.  But I'm hopeful.

It's pretty crazy to think that I spent the past 20-ish years planning for this phase of my life.  I thought and thought about what I wanted to be like, how I would interact with my children, how I would keep my home, how I would love my husband, what activities I would be involved in.  It's unbelievable to me that I'm here already and after all that planning and preparing, I'm unprepared.  I'm not at all what I thought I would be.  I had only imagined myself in an ideal setting.  It's simple to act flawlessly and think flawlessly when the environment is flawless.  That leaves no other option other than to be flawless (unless you're rebelling out of utter boredom).  I had not considered that to be what I hoped to be would require really hard work, actual problem solving, and divine help.  And all of this would be accomplished incrementally.

I enjoyed making muffins last night and taking them to the Gashlers, speaking of incremental accomplishment of goals.  Nolan asked if he'd be able to color in the service rainbow in Primary.  I think real-life experience is the best way to teach about love and service.  I also think that the older our boys get, the more opportunities there will be to give them real-life experience.  I'm excited for the future.  And I'm excited for the now.  With you.

Love,
your lady

Dear Lady,
There are nights when i stare off into the darkness of our room and wonder at my life. i wonder at things i have and haven't done. i wonder at life in New York and what might have been if different choices had been made. Then, ever so quiet, i turn and place my hand on your back. i feel you rise and fall with each breath and i decide that every choice i've made thus far really hasn't been so very bad when i consider that you're there and that in a few hours you'll open your eyes at me and smile.
There was a time that i didn't know you, and during those times i often wondered whether it was possible to love forever. i liked girls and dated all through high school, but i was constantly moving to the next thing. Then i spent two years with the Lord and learned some things about love, trust, and care. i came back and was surrounded by a marriage mentality, but found myself yet unsure about eternity.
Then along came a pretty girl with blue-green eyes. Now to be honest i knew nothing about you going into this other than i thought you were pretty (and i thought you were unequivocally pretty because i was uncharacteristically unwilling to let you go without stepping outside my comfort zone to ask you out). i am so glad you were so pretty.
On those late nights there is no decision i am more sure of than wanting another 6 years with you. You've made my life wonderful, and every moment worthwhile. Happy anniversary.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

Today has been great.  Very rough, but great.  Because I'm alive and you are.  Together, those two make me so glad, but that's pretty much it today.  Ha ha.  The boys have been fighting every moment they can get it in.  And they needed a bath two hours into the day.  By that time we were already out of warm water, but I didn't realize it until I went to wash their hair.  It was the perfect temperature when I adjusted it for filling and the boys just climbed right into the near-empty tub while it filled.  They never said anything about it being cold until I did.  Then they insisted on getting out and waiting for more hot water.

After the bath we did the following all the while whining, yelling, and quarreling:

We played with play-doh.  

We played "Super heros" on our bed (which is also the floor, you may have noticed).  Both of the boys wore Superman shirts and I played the Incredible Hulk.  I proved to them over and over that Hulk is stronger than two Supermans.  

We made popovers and did dishes.  There are still more dishes to do.  And more after that I'm sure.  Yikes.  Perhaps I'm falling apart because our house is falling apart.  Or perhaps our house is falling apart because I am falling apart.  

After lunch (noodles, popovers with jam and ham) 

we had reading time 

and naptime.  

Ahhh naptime.  Some days I appreciate nap time, some days I take it for granted, and then some days I honestly think I'll die if they don't take a nap.  Today was option 3.  And...... Nolan won't stay in there.

So I told him he needed to stay in our room until Gerret wakes up.  I need a break from his whining.

I just feel absolutely worn out.  And not in a physical way.  Every part of me except my body (and even that sometimes) is exhausted.  It's okay though.  The weekend is coming.  I'll keep on going.

As for housing... I really think we could make any place work for us.  Whether we're in Trumansburg without a car, in Lodi with funky people and a poor educational system, or Watkins with flood insurance.  I think we could make any of those work out for us.

In Lodi we could have a (seemingly) very nice home for very cheap, so maybe we could have a second car.  Maybe we could pay it off quickly.  Maybe we wouldn't have to put any money into fixing our house.  And though the school district seems to be questionable, I think we both would agree that that doesn't need to determine our children's ability to learn.

In Trumansburg, we'd definitely save on gas.  I'd definitely see you more each day.  You'd definitely spend less time in your car.  My mom would probably be willing to work with us on getting Nolan to pre-school until we could afford another car.  The house looks decent, if they'd accept an offer as low as we would need to make.

Watkins Glen is a happening place (compared to Lodi).  The boys and I could walk to the library, Clute Park, the school playground, the grocery store.  The boys already have friends there.  It would be pretty easy to become good friends with Mrs. Nyre.  There seem to be more opportunities in Watkins than anywhere else.... educational opportunities, opportunities to meet people, opportunities for employment, and opportunities to have the entire town flood.

And then Newfield.  It's the cheapest.  It's the closest to Ithaca.  It's in the Ithaca Ward.  It's the biggest plot of land with apple trees.

If I think about the barn, I feel so sad it makes me a little ill, but when I think about a new beginning with just our family in a home of our very own, worked out on our own time table, I feel hopeful and a little excited.  Hopefully we have learned what we were supposed to from this.  Hopefully we have done all we could to be the best we could be in this situation.  And now hopefully we can do for our family what needs to be done.  Thanks for sticking by me through all of this.  Thanks for being my example in so many ways.  Thanks for being my home wherever we do or don't find ourselves.  I love you.

-Your Lady