Dear Boy,

I liked having the dream of farming with you. Even if it wasn't perfect or even very feasible, I just liked having a dream. Something to look forward to. Something to work on. Something to think about and plan for. I like the idea of seeing more of you. I like having common goals that cause more collaboration.

I do like the idea of a homestead (in Spokane?) but it's fairly sad to me that it's not something we could thrive off of. So what now? I don't really like to just keep going as I am because I need something to feel like I'm working towards besides a clean kitchen and a weekly menu. Surviving the grocery store with three kids is somewhat of a triumph, but not enough for me. I feel like I could do something else, something more, and still do everything I already am doing.

On a completely different note, I have some shame or embarrassment related to sex, especially when it comes to talking about it. I thought writing my notes instead of saying them aloud would be easier for me, but it turns out I'm equally inhibited when it comes to writing, even if all it would take is copying and pasting. I wish I could be more honest and forthcoming when it came to this, but something in me won't allow for that. So there's that.

I love you. I hope by some miracle you always know it, because I think I do a crappy job of showing it. Thank you for being ever patient with me and kind to me. I don't know how you do it, but I'm grateful you do. You see something in me that I have yet to see for myself and maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

-a lady

Dear best friend,

Is it creepy that i enjoy sitting at the edge of the bed watching you sleep? You are beautiful when you're dreaming.
Quick note, i think it's fine that you print your sex notes here. i am curious to read them.
i am sorry that it doesn't look like farming will work out for us. It has been a realization i have fought against for the past couple of weeks—even before we began talking about Spokane. i love the ideal of farming (who doesn't love an ideal), but i don't love that no one seems to ultimately have brilliant things to say about farming. i think, potentially, that farming is an ideal that is lost to this world at this time. It's too bad. It's really too bad, but i would rather have a few free hours a day with you to do as we please; that is as opposed to no longer controlling the schedule of our lives and spending all day every day caring for a farm just to eek a living.
Then there's the issue of no health insurance.
No disability pay.
No vacation.
No retirement account.
No free time.
No guaranteed wages.
And the list goes on.
i am still caught in whiffs of euphoria at the thought of me and you walking out through our pastured lands, but i want to show you do much more than farm land (missions, vacations, sporadic adventures) and when you are a farmer there just doesn't seem to be much more than that.
So we will have our little homestead to have our delicious, natural foods, and i will continue working at a good job for now, and we will devise upon something new.
I love you.
Now, you asked me for a list, and so here it is, best as i can muster and in no particular order of importance:

1. Bavarian cream donuts. Not necessarily the donuts themselves, but that someone cares enough about me to pay attention to the nonessential details of my life.

2. Snuggling up next to me.

3. The interest you take in my writing.

4. Counciling together. When we sit down and discuss our plans and goals i feel the love and satisfaction of being on the best team (like i was surprisingly picked first to play on the best kickball team at recess :)

5. Moments when you randomly nuzzle up to me with a kiss (like when i am making breakfast, etc.).

6. Finding little notes from you, or these letters on our blog.

7. Knowing you post pictures of me on instagram just because you like me.

8. Your patience with me indicates you feel there is more to me than moments when i am not perfect. It seems to indicate that you perceive there might be a perfect day somewhere inside of me.

9. When i hear you laughing a pure, child-like laugh, i get goosebumps. There is just something about seeing you so totally enthralled that makes you shine and then when i consider that you (in all your wonder) choose to be with me, i consider that there just might be something worthwhile to this person i call me.

10. Holding your hand in the temple and hugging you when at last we are together in that celestial room. What a moment that is every time!

So there you are. Perhaps not an exhaustive list, but i am exhausted. Maybe i'll crawl back into bed with you.
i love you for always.

.your best friend

ps: i really like country bumpkins


Sent from my iPad

Dear (Where are you?) Boy,

I read There Will Be Flags again. You know, the writing you wrote? You gave it to me at our anniversary last year? Remember? I hope you do. Can I tell you that it's my most favorite thing I've ever read? It truly is. Maybe I'm biased, but I'm also honest. It tugs at something deep inside. You did something masterful in writing it. I love your talent for language. I love the spinning of your mind. I wish sometimes I was more familiar with it.

Love, Me

Dear (hello? Can you hear me?) Boy,

Just tuning in to let you know that your daughter and mine has developed a taste for dog food this morning. No matter how many times I have stopped her from playin in the bowl or had to actually scoop the nuggets out of her mouth and wash the foul smelling crumbs from her face, she frantically makes her way back to the bowl as soon as I remove her from the scene.

And I want you to know that I love you.

That's all.

-your lady

P.S. when you get this, will you please respond by listing 10 specific things that most make you feel loved and cared for. Thanks.

Dear (are you still there?) Boy,

This is guaranteed to be lengthy. It's to make up for lost time. You may not discover it for a while anyway, which will be more lost time. Anyway, I have a specific plan for what I'll write here and I already know that it's a lot.

This is about Spokane. It's not really how I feel about Spokane at this point in my life, but it may indicate in some ways the forces that work on me and the almost daily fluctuations of my heart. The following quotations are two entries in my journal written on our last trip to WA. The first is dated July 31, 2009.


"So, here I am writing from Spokane. The summer is almost spent. Nolan is almost three. I've been married to he boy of my dreams for almost five years. I am a procrastinator when it comes to writing in my journal.

We're in Spokane. Visiting Patrick's family for two weeks. Whenever we're here I feel like I just want to stay and live here. His family is big. Nolan and Gerret have cousins to play with. Patrick's siblings are mostly grown up and they're such great people. The Church is bigger and stronger out here. The only thing (besides Patrick's job) that keeps me from moving out here is that I feel so needed by my family. My poor family out there seems to be floundering. My grandparents just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary and it was awkward for everyone to celebrate because they don't seem the least bit content in their marriage. My parents have three jobs between the two of them. The job that my dad has held for twenty-six years is miserable and stressful and I really think it's killing him, but he keeps holding on because he knows people have to be grateful for any job these days. My mom works as a labor and delivery nurse. So my sisters suffer. All because my parents do not manage their money well. And I'm left to try to take care of them and my two boys and try not to succumb to depression. I wish his vacation would never end."

That's all of the first one. The second one was written just a couple days later, August 1, 2009.

"Perhaps it is because of the triple digit weather that my attitude toward being here has changed so dramatically. Whatever it is, I missed NY today. I guess I'm not willing to give up the wide open spaces, rain clouds, and countless natural places to cool off when it does (rarely) get too hot. It turns out that I am out of my element in a city. Sometimes the conveniences sound nice and I am so tempted by living close to PTB's family, but when it comes down to the feelings in my heart, I just don't think I fit in here. It's uncomfortable to try. I guess once you're born a country bumpkin, you'll always be one. So, when this vacation is over, I'll be ready to return home."

That's all for now. What do you think about me mentioning sex on this public blog? I mean, I just did.... But I was thinking about posting some of my notes on here if that's not distasteful to you.

Love,
Your Country Bumpkin