Dear My Dearest Lady,

By some strange twist of fate I read your letter here on the self-same day that you wrote it. Truth be told, even if I'm not writing on here with any great frequency, I check it often to see if there is a word from you. I realize it may not be "fair" for me to await letters from you while I myself am not writing, but I do so love to read your words (whether on your blog or this) that I check as often as I am able.
Sorry that I myself have not written in a while. Sorry that sometimes I'm just not very talkative. Honestly sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I feel like a frustrated lout a lot of the time. I've spent the last six years bouncing from interest to interest without being fully satisfied. I think you've known much of the same feelings and expressed some in your letter. I love my marriage to you. I can't think of time I enjoy more than just being with you. You're a joy unspeakable in my life. My boys are precious to me beyond belief. I went in and spent a few moments last night just enjoying them. How sweet they are. I don't know that I've ever met a child as kind and sweet as Nolan. Or a boy some crazy and fun as Gerret. And what a blessing it is to be a member of the church and have the gospel in my life.
You suggested that I myself might not know what it's like not to 'do'. I know better than you give me credit for. Yes, I've a proven track record of doing a lot where I'm at. I made some improvements at vending. I've made a lot at CFCU. I enjoy doing it. There is some satisfaction in it, but if I am honest with myself, I have sold myself short. I have done good, but I have done less than I could have or should have. By comparison to many others it would appear, I think, that I go above and beyond, but that's not really true. It's not true in the sense that I'm going above and beyond in places that I don't really feel like are mine. Kind of like if you started going above and beyond for the primary. It would be good, but there would be more of a divine satisfaction of going above and beyond in the Young Women's. I feel like many of my activities and efforts are being spent in the wrong calling, but I don't yet know what the correct calling is.
So I feel your frustration all too well. I could do much more, but I don't quite know what, and so I watch a movie. Or I get on the Internet. Or go to bed.
I love you so much and am grateful for your patience with me. I'm grateful for your prayers and support as I continue looking for the proper place for my interest, skills and talents. I'm excited to be a parent again with you. Please tell me everything I can do to help you. There is no better satisfaction in a job than when it results in you smiling.
.PtB

Sent from my iPad

Dear Boy,

Here comes October and a new baby. Here we are managing our own house, repairing (or dispairing)our own cars, sending a child off to school, dreaming of farms and things. Crazy, huh? That's what I've been thinking today as I muddled around. We've come so far from where we were when we met (almost eight years ago... Crazy huh?). And we still have so much to do. Yet, I muddle around a lot. I wish it were a symptom of pregnancy, but I know this miserably large figure is not to blame. It's just that sometimes (pregnant or not), I get stuck doing little or nothing, even though I have high aspirations, plenty of things I could be doing, and a desire to accomplish great things. Sometimes instead of doing great things, I do no things at all. It's something I struggle against. Of course, recognition is the first step to recovery, so I haven't lost hope, and I don't always have a hard time with action, just often enough to be of some concern. I don't wait for certain circumstances before I'll be truly happy, because I am happy. I love my life. It's beautiful where we live. Our house is lovely for us. I consider it a privilege and blessing to be the mother of Nolan and Gerret. I love to be your wife and your friend. I enjoy my service in the church. I have a testimony and experience such a full life because of my membership in the church and the covenants I've made. No, I have no need to wait for anything before I feel happy, however sometimes I think I do play a waiting game with motivation. I seem to wait for the time to be right before I make a move. I say, "I'll do __________ when we have our own house, or after the summer, or when I'm no longer pregnant", when the reality is that doing __________ has nothing to do with and is in no way hindered by where we live, the season, or an enormous belly. I know you don't have this problem and probably can't understand why or how someone would have such difficulty DOING things, not that I understand either. It's just a struggle I have sometimes. I don't like it and I hope to overcome it, but I also did not invite it and definitely experience setbacks at times that seem out of my control.
And that's all I have to say about that.

It is time to apply more flea medicine to our pets. I have no idea what we're having for dinner and it's five twenty. Gerret is doing pretty well considering his continued fever. Nolan played on our pull-out bed after school. It is the best kind of weather out today. I learned about harvesting black walnuts today.

And so concludes the first letter on here in quite a while and I'm sure you won't notice it for quite a while more.

Love, your lady