Dear Boy,

 Thanks for finding courage to speak to me again after the debacle of our first meeting. Thanks for inviting me and taking me out that first time, 17 years ago. I remember painting those little shakers with you and laughing together as we watched patrons come and go having started and subsequently finished projects much larger and more complicated than ours in much shorter spans of time than it was taking us. Every minute of it was a pleasure, because I enjoyed your presence. I still enjoy your presence. 

That night in Fazoli’s, remember how I told you that I just needed time?  Thanks for waiting for me and for all the patience you’ve showered me with ever since. I feel as though I’m showered in patience every moment of our life together. And I’m so grateful for it. You make patience appear to effortless in the way you deal with me. 

It was snowing heavily when we finally found ourselves in the parking lot of Fazoli’s after you’d given me enough time that the workers were cleaning up the restaurant around us. And all I could think was that I didn’t want the night to be over yet. I desperately wanted to be with you for more time. So what other activity would be so apparently appropriate in heavy snow than hiking Y Mountain?  Obviously, I hail from the East where I was not afforded a relationship or even slight familiarity with mountains. So, it seemed a brilliant solution with which to rescue the evening from its expiration. When it became obvious that climbing the Y would be next to impossible, my mind raced to find a new salvation for our night. 

Thanks for going along when I have absurdly fanciful ideas. Thanks for trusting my stubborn instincts. Thanks laughing at me and with me and for not being repulsed by my quirks. After 17 years, I imagine my quirks could become a bit or a lot annoying. Let it be a testament to your good nature and your sense of humor that you have never dealt with me with even a hint of irritation. 

Oh boy, these 17 years have been the greatest adventure; the best chapter of my life. At some point (probably pretty soon) it will seem like the only chapter in my life and anything that came before you will seem the short prologue before the true story. I love the story we’ve created together. I am so grateful for our family and our amazing kids and our little green house. I’m so humbled that you committed to stay with me forever and that you’re staying true to that commitment even though I’m not exactly what you originally signed up for. You are amazing and I’m thankful for you every day. I love all of you quirks. They all make me smile. I’m just so in love with all of you. Thanks again for that first date and for the courage to give me a shot. 

L

Dear L,

Right as I set to write this I saw a flea jump off of me . . . Great. :) But that’s just what it is to have animals, right?

Happy [advance] Valentine’s to you!

Perhaps I’ll have a card or something for you as well. But at the very least I thought it might be time for me to make my own installment on our long forgotten blog. We were never expertly consistent about entries here, but it makes for a wonderful read through — revisiting some of the years and moments of our life together. And for that I am grateful. 

So, again, Happy [early] Valentine’s Day!

Now, what to write about? If only I were more sure of who I was . . . 

I’ve long assumed that if I could at long last put this one conversation to rest — this one conversation/argument alive constantly in my mind — that I could at last really begin to . . . Well, I’m not entirely sure what, but I would at last become that ‘more’ that I hope for myself. Then I could have such a conversation to include here. I feel like I could be so much more for you. For everyone. For myself. 

And maybe some day I’ll get there. But for the time being may it suffice to assure you that I am quite happy with my life. With the hand I’ve been dealt, as they say. Though, honestly I don’t really feel my life has been dealt to me. I am proud (for the most part) to say that I’ve chosen this life I have. You and our children are such blessings to me. To quote that beautiful life from Cameron Crowe’s movie Aloha: "You have no idea the storms you quiet in me." I hold onto that thought through everything. You are a wonder to me. My quiet in any storm. And when the rest of the world celebrates the loves in their lives I’m fortunate above them all to know you are the great love of mine. 

.PtB

Dear Boy,

How about a little resurrection around here?

You were released from your position as Branch President. I don’t know what the proper things is to say. Congratulations? I’m sorry? Good luck? Thank you? Really, I think I’d say a little of each.  

Thank you for your service and your seeking to do right by god and for the branch.  The type of dedicated service you have given is a deeply sacred  offering. It took sacrifice, love, humility, patience, and a measure of endurance through the wrestle.  I am so glad for the ways you have been stretched and the ways you have come to know god as you faithfully served alongside him.   

Good luck in the future which, at this point is pretty mysterious. That’s my fault and I apologize. I trust that whatever you do or wherever you are, you will be the steady, thoughtful, wise friend I know you as. 

I’m sorry for any way that I have or do hold you back. I’m sorry this experience is over if you feel there was something left undone. I hope you can be merciful with yourself; just as merciful as you are toward me. 

And congratulations. Job well done.  May you feel the relief of a burden lifted and may you retain the lessons learned and the blessings received. 

I love you, Boy. I love what you do and how you do things. I love how your mind works. I love how you are thoughtful and gracious towards others even when they don’t deserve it. I love how you father our kids. I love the home you have built with me. I love how you love me. 

I wrote out some of my beliefs, intending to share them with the branch the other day, but then I chickened out. I don’t like speaking in any spotlight and I also don’t relish feeling like a misfit, both reasons for my chickening out. After I heard Sister Snedecor share her testimony with so much reverence and conviction, hitting all the traditionally expected points of beliefs, I was relieved that I chose to stay seated ultimately.  I still think there is something valuable in sharing one’s deeply held hopes and understandings of the world, so I’ll awkwardly copy my written statement here and share it with you. 

To me, god is love. I find god in my experiences with people, when I give and when I receive service, in my family, in music, and in the woods or by the water. I have hope that there is more to this life than meets the eye.  I find peace and deep meaning in following the example of Jesus.  I understand intimately the pain of watching those you love suffer and die.  I find peace in god sometimes, while other times I really rail against the suffering that seems senseless.  I’ve found that even when I’m bitter, I feel loved, I feel a divine pull towards goodness and hope. I choose to have faith that good things will come.  

L

Boy,

You changed my life. It just took that one date on that one Saturday night that bled into a Sunday morning. It just took a little bit of time with you painting shakers and eating Fazoli’s for me to feel that I needed more time and it only took a little more time on the hill near Rock Canyon before I realized that I shouldn’t see you again.  At least that’s what I told my mom the next day when she asked about our date. You were different. You were different from my date the night before ours. You were different from every guy I’d met in Provo. You were different from every guy I knew back home.  You were different from any person in the world that I had encountered and I liked that. I felt so at ease with you. I felt so intrigued by you. My heart begged for even more time with you while my head was explaining why that would be a bad idea.  I’m glad my heart proved the winner. Thank you for having the courage so many years ago to invite me to go with you that night. Thank you for seeing in me something worth the inquiry.  Thank you for sitting there in Color Me Mine while patrons streamed in and then back out having painted much larger items than a pair of shakers.  Thank you for taking serious my desire to hike Y Mountain and persisting in finding sleds when the hike didn’t pan out. Thank you for staying out into the wee hours of the morning with me that very first time and every time after it. I wouldn’t have put a label on how I felt about you that night. It happened so unexpectedly and frankly, it terrified me, but it also made me so happy to be with you. I am still so happy to be with you. I feel so humbled to be yours.  I feel so blessed when I look back and when I look forward and when I sit in this moment considering our life.  Thanks for that first date and the wonderful life that has followed.  I love you

L

Dear Boy,

It’s hard to believe my month off has already come to an end. In some ways I’m relieved to get going again on this crazy path I’ve set off on. In other ways, I’m completely terrified of the workload, tricky tests, and the clinical experience which is often so out of my comfort zone. Really though, this entire path is out of my comfort zone and I see that as a good thing.  To me, staying purely comfortable implies an equally stagnant and complacent existence.   I tried organizing my schedule of tests and assignments for the semester today and got so overwhelmed. My body and mind felt so drained when I finished (if I really even finished—-some of it was a little unclear).  Whew!  This is going to be a doozy. 

It was so good to spend time with Sam. We read books, played with cars and dolls, and cuddled on the couch.  It was nice to do some projects and play some games with Auby. I’m glad we could celebrated Gerret on his birthday. He’s an amazing kid. I worry about him sometimes, but I also don’t worry about him at all other times. He’s a kind, perceptive, intelligent kid and I trust that he’ll be fine. I guess I could say something similar about each of our kids. I worry about them and then I don’t. Maybe that’s how God feels about all of us?  We’re worrisome, but also not at all because faith is having trust that everything will be fine. Right?

Thank you for sticking by me.  Thank you for encouraging me and believing in me.  Thank you for picking up after me. Thank you for your patience with my impatience. You are the best friend I could ever ask for or dream of.  I love you. 

The cricut was a very amazing surprise. Thank you so much. I’ve really been enjoying it.  And there is so much more I could do with it in the future beyond making cards and cutting paper. It’s pretty exciting to me. Thanks again. 

The date we went on was a good time. Thanks for spending time with me and apparently being happy to do so. It’s so good to go places and do things with you. I love looking back on memories like that. The ones we make together. Even the ones like spackling and painting the bathroom ceiling. I treasure every moment spent with you. 

I love you so much. See you mid-May!  (just kidding) (half kidding)

L

Dear Boy,

I enjoyed my thanksgiving break with you. I'm so glad we could do some things to help my mom and my grandma. I'm glad the kids could have fun with their friends. It was good to see my sisters and the Bordens.  It was nice to have a little break from school.  I'm glad I didn't worry too much about the nursing test. That would have been a waste.  I appreciate your help in getting our room changed around and hopefully less buggish. That's a word. Thanks for more recent walks. I appreciate getting outside and I love wandering (quickly) around little villages.  I like hearing all the water running through the towns around here. I love the old houses, the way people care for them, and even the way people don't care for them. When I see dilapidated buildings I wonder about the people inside them. Are they sick?  Are they addicted to something?  Are they old?  Do they just not care?  Maybe they're poor?  I feel so heartbroken for people. Maybe I project my own experience onto them, but I have the feeling that most people are struggling, that life isn't hard for only a few, but probably most. I feel so weary from it. I hear about people all over the world losing their homes and their lives to disasters of all varieties. I read about people trying to escape violence with their families and finding nowhere safe that will welcome them.  I see so much sickness and sadness in the hospital and it reminds me of the sickness and sadness plaguing my own life.  And it all just breaks my poor little heart.  Well sorry for that tangent. The snow sure is beautiful and all of the new Christmas decorations sure are cheery. I'm so proud of Nolan that he has taken the initiative to improve his room.  It's cute that he even put out some Christmas items in there.  I hope eventually all of our kids will grow into people who enjoy cleanliness and order, who will voluntarily contribute in the home and who will pick up their own trash and dirty socks.  What a dream, huh?  

 I love you.  You're the best thing in my life. 

L

Dear L,

On this day of gratitude and Thanksgiving let me just say that I'm incredibly grateful for you. So very grateful. I don't even know what the right words are to express how grateful I am for you. I suspect that there just aren't words . . .
It's 4:30 on the morning of Thanksgiving and I'm awake and alone downstairs getting the fire going again. I had planned to sleep-in with you today, but the house felt a bit chilly and I remembered how cold it's supposed to be today so I decided I probably ought to come down and get the fire going again before it got any colder and while there were still coals to work with.
I wanted to sleep-in with you because I'm not a big fan of the disparate nature of our sleep habits. I don't like that I fall asleep so suddenly and without warning once evening sets in. I am sorry every time that happens. And I know that you say that you've just come to expect it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Though I will say that I've been trying, lately, to better accept myself for who I am and not wait for who I want to be or who I think I ought to be. After all the old saying is that happiness is not in a destination, but in a journey.
So I've been trying to find less fault in myself. To stop being jealous of the things I'm not and like the things that I am.
Oh, but I am growing out my stubble to be sexier :)
I hope that last bit made you smile, because I absolutely love to think of you smiling.
It's tough for me to see you down.
Like yesterday.
I feel so helpless at those times.
I hope that I'm at least some measurable comfort to you on nights like that. I love you so much. And if there's anyway I can better support you please let me know.
So Happy Thanksgiving to you! I hope it's a day of happiness. I hope you enjoy watching the parade for the first time in years. I hope you enjoy that I got supplies for a meat-cheese-cracker platter like I always had growing up. And I even got the chicken-in-a-bisket crackers of my youth :) They may be disgusting, but if so I also got Ritz crackers.
Again, let me just emphasize how much I love you. How grateful I am for you. And though I'm alone downstairs right now, I am so very grateful to know that you and our four children are warm and safe and at peace in this house in your beds.
You are every greatest moment of my life! You are a part of every moment of my life!

.PtB