Dear Boy,

It's Monday.  I'm trying to print the rest of the forms we need for tax filing, but I'm having difficulty determining which pages we will need of all 95 or so.  So, here I am taking a break.
Congratulations on having the dog of your dreams.  I think she's pretty great and I'm glad that it pleases you so much to have a dog.  The first few days with her were stressful for me, but not at her fault.  Mostly, my inability to deal with stress is my own fault.  The majority of my stress has to do with my inability to handle my own children.  So my announcement that I wasn't ready to have a baby had little to do with a dog and much more to do with problems between me and the boys (or just Gerret) combined with my own weakness for feeling overwhelmed and/or hopeless. 
Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself that being a mother doesn't seem to come naturally like I thought it would.  I worry that I don't feel attached to my children in the way I'm supposed to.  Somedays I just feel stuck doing something that I'm not good at and I don't enjoy. 
These feelings go against every desire I had growing up.  They go against what is preached about women and their innate, even divine abilities and calling in life.  They make me feel fairly worthless.  As much as I fight these feelings, they are still real.  I think you experience similar feelings connected to your situation, but your discontent or frustration is acceptable.  You aren't supposed to be a teller.  Perhaps there isn't any particular thing you are "supposed" to be and even if there is, you can figure it out and probably feel satisfied when you do.  But for me, there is one thing in particular to be.  I am supposed to be a mother and that's it.  I can be good at other things (if I have time and resources to do those things), I can be of service to other people (if time and resources allow it), I can have a world of experiences (provided the time and resources), but I am a mother before any of it.  Nothing else I could do matters if I'm a crappy mother or if I'm a good mother, but resent it. 
So on particularly hard days, I reconsider the prospect of inviting another spirit into our family because I feel like I'm already failing.  Other days, I get the old feeling back that I'm supposed to be a mom: therefore, I should continue onward and hope that I'll catch on to how to cheerfully accomplish it.  I just hope that if I do this, motherhood will morph into the wonderful, magical experience that I was prepared for and somehow missed. 
I know I'm crazy and I'm sorry.  Thanks for sticking with me anyway.  I don't like to be what I am, but I'm hopeful that I can change, even if it takes a lifetime.  Maybe having ten kids would set me straight.  Maybe it would actually require fifteen.  We should get busy.  Seriously, when I think that there are women who have accomplished this feat, I feel a little sick.  I can't even handle the rising of the sun.  You are amazing to get up in the morning and make everything happen that should.  I love you for it and for your patience with me (every morning and all the rest of the time).  I just love you for everything and I love everything about you.  I wonder at the miracle of you allowing yourself to be a part of me.  How or why that happened and seemingly so seamlessly is beyond my comprehension.  I just accept it as one of the most apparent blessings in my life.  Thank you, thank you dear sir.  I love you in a way that I never could have imagined seven years ago when I met you.  I hope you will continue to miraculously love me.
From, Your Lady.

Dear Boy,

I love a birthday because it is a time set apart to think about just one person and what they have meant in your life.  Even if there isn't a gift exchange, nice dinner, party, cake... it's still a time for quiet celebration and appreciation.

So it's your birthday.  I'm celebrating all day (even though I think about you all day, every day anyway).  Today the thoughts are a little more specific.  My boy, you are my favorite gift.  You have made such an impact on my life that I will forever be affected.  That's not a bad thing.  I love the effect you have on me. 

You make me feel magical.  The world seems so bright and wonderful, so brimming full of beautiful and amazing things, because of you.  I am more interested in the offerings of this world and its inhabitants because of you. 

I love other people more and deeper, because of you.  Loving you multiplies the love I'm able to share with others.  It's as if when I met you a faucet was turned on inside my heart and it's ever been running.  I'm so full and overflowing with love for you that I have all this extra to share.  An infinite supply. 

I want to be my best self for you and because of you.  I fall short (all the time), but you make it okay.  You help me develop confidence in myself.  Somehow, you see so much more in me than I have ever been able to see in myself.  Being around you helps me see it and helps me not to despair when I don't.  You see me the way my Father sees me.  He must help you to overlook all the bad stuff I see in myself.  You are so wonderful for this.  Truly, no one has every treated me with such kindness and patience as you do.

So we have made poor choices, or at least one, and suffer some consequences because of it, but typically I feel like scoffing at the word "trial".  What's a trial when you love and are loved?  It seems silly to complain when I have all that I could ever dream of in you.  Yes, it would be nice to have something magnificent to offer to our children, but as far as my desires go, I am satisfied if all I have is you and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Today I'm celebrating your life because it has made my life something worth smiling about.  Every year, I feel like I should send your mom a thank you card on your birthday.  Maybe I will next year.  Because in giving you life, she has given me my best friend, my best supporter, a good example, my favorite adventure, the father of my children, my biggest smile.  My gratitude for your life and for what you are to me couldn't possibly grow because it exceeds my ability to express it.  That's what I usually think, but then it does grow. 

Happy Birthday to Patrick the Boy, my boy.

With All of My Overflowing Heart,
               Your Lady

Dear Lady,
I love you.
You add this irreplaceable and, perhaps, unexplainable comfort to my life. A solace. A sanctuary. Bishop Ledek described it as having someone you always knew was in your corner. So thank you for that.
Often I find myself feeling so inadequate as a husband and father for having led us into such a meager living. It's exceptionally disheartening sometimes because I know how much you and I are capable of. I'd say I spend most of my time every day wondering over my career and just how to climb back out of this rut we accidentally got stuck in.
Thank you for your patience and support. Thank you for listening to me ramble about ideas I've had until the wee hours of the night.
Despite it all we've done and accomplished a lot as a family, though much more stands to be done and experienced. We can have the life we desire my lady. That's the promise of the Lord. Let's just keep working at it and remain faithful and the Lord will shine a light and show us the path.



.Patrick the boy
PS I really think you're fantastic and I want to kiss you and hug you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

I know it's only Wednesday, but a week of vacation must have been rejeuvenating despite our bout with illness, because I am enjoying being a mom this week.  Really, really enjoying it.  Not even whining has really phased me.  We have two extraordinarily sweet boys.  They are both so smart and kindhearted and cute.  I am especially partial to their brown eyes.
Yesterday I was reading in Alma 32 about faith and perfect knowledge.  I was struck by how merciful the Lord is.  He has high expectations for His children, but not unrealistic ones.  He only holds us responsible for the things we understand with our hearts.  He is so eager to teach us, but requires us to work for our own knowledge so that we will value and reverence it. 
As a parent, I want to be more like Him. 
Thanks for journeying along with me.  Being a parent is such a wild adventure.  So much is expected, but sometimes I only feel like a student.  It's humbling to have responsibility for these little guys.  There is so much to learn.

Love, Your Lady