Dear Boy,

We made it through a semester. How did you hold up?  You know I loved it. Thanks for being my supportive friend and constant encouragement. Thanks for taking care of me.  I hear women complain about their "kids" and include their husbands in the mix. I could never make the claim, but I think sometimes (or maybe often) you could about me. I'm sorry for any extra burden I add, though I think you're probably blind to it. And I love you for it. Thanks for putting up with all of my craziness. Like plants all over the house. And two dogs (my fault). And a cat you never asked for who steals food and doesn't have an inside voice. And my constant flow of ideas. And my morning grogginess.

I'm happy you found that camera and a computer to go with it. I'm excited for you to use them. 

I'm happy that you're healthier. And so proud of you. You inspire me. 

And now for a week together. Let's work and play and do some good. I love you deeply. I am always thinking of you. 

L

Dear Boy,

I'm doing well with school. For the most part, I'm not very stressed about it because I'm determined and I'm doing my best to stay a little ahead in everything. I really like learning new things, knowing the things I learn are important for me to understand in the future, and having a clear goal. It's such a relief to be earnestly working toward this thing. 

Nolan would like to have a garden. What do you think of having a couple of raised beds over the existing "garden". We could fill them with top soils from behind everything near where the compost is so we can avoid clay. 

Gerret would like to learn to sew. Not sure what to start him with though?  Any ideas? And he's going to do the computer programming thing. I sincerely hope he will like that. 

Auburn wants me to make her a lunch. Consider this my to-do list. 

I'd like to try more earnestly to teach them each piano once a week. It's just hard to find a time. 

I was in a super bad mood after hearing my mom say she was inspired to add onto our house, but I'm doing better today (being Monday, I forgot to publish this then).  I don't know a solution, but I'm pretty certain that's not it. 

Now that it's Friday and I'm getting around to actually posting this, let me add that I think you're a really good coach. Well, you're good at everything you do, so no surprises there. It's just, I'm lucky to have you. And our kids are lucky to have you, even though they do like you more than me. I need to be nicer to them. I lose patience a lot, well mostly just with Auburn. Anyway, you're a great example to me. I really look up to you. And I love you so much it aches my heart a little. 

I gave Sam a bath before his morning nap. He likes to splash. It's cute. He also really wants to stick his face in the water. It makes the task of washing him more challenging than it should be. 

I also did Punch, Kick, and Jam. I need a shower now. I'm glad we're trying to get in better shape and be more healthy. It feels good. And now it's Friday, so we will eat junk and not get enough sleep. I'll try to at least be more moderate in my snacking tonight. Ha ha. 

L

Dear L,

I sure love you.
I was sorry to hear that you were beginning to fee the stresses of class. I imagine that's a good thing though, right? If you didn't care—if it wasn't important—it wouldn't be hard or stressful. You must be feeing this way because of how good and important what you're doing is. And I know that you'll be incredible at it.
Just make sure you let me know anytime there's more that I can do for you. I'll help in anyway I can (just shy of doing your homework for you—that's more my schtick to have others do it for me :)

So I actually checked this morning and Brother Ike's daughter's house is the .5 mile mark. Just a little past the driveway, actually. That white house with the weird things out front is .6 miles. Turns or it's only about .3 miles from our house to the end of our road. So it's .7 from our house to the other stop sign—almost a mile-and-a-half there and back.
Anyway, I was thinking last night that I still never really enjoy the run itself—but I do appreciate having done it when I finish. And I always have a clear goal in front of me when I run: that I want to run that 5K with you (and maybe more someday). I think I may pare back on the evening workouts though. We'll see. I think there are other things I'd rather do with that time. But I'll keep running, because I like knowing that I can run with you now. Maybe I can't go so very far as you can, but I can run with you for a while :)

Nolan is really interested in a pumpkin patch next year. I think I may offer to help him with that if he helps me with a vegetable garden. I appreciate his work ethic and willingness to follow-thru on his interests. He's a good kid.
They all are. We're really lucky parents.
Well, I love you and I'll be seeing you soon.
You have my whole heart.

.Ptb

Thanks, Boy. Thanks always for you encouragement and support. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this if it weren't for you. I am so blessed to have you. I never take that for granted. 

We're on a new adventure. I'm so excited. And yes, scared and feeling a bit crazy. It feels like I am proactively unsticking myself. In the process, we'll move and change and I hope it will be a great journey. 

L

Dear L,

I can't even begin to convey how excited I am for you. I mean you're finally doing what you've wanted to do for years! Walking that path you'd dreamed of for so long. And I think this is all so awesome!

And, yes, I think you'll have moments where you think you're crazy for doing this. Moments when you second guess yourself. Moments when you're apprehensive. When you're nervous. Terrified, even. And that's alright. In those moments just remember that you wouldn't be feeling all those things unless you were doing something that really mattered. Something that was really so very important to you. And that's why it's worth doing despite all the misgivings that try to slow us down.

I admire you for overcoming those apprehensions and going for it. That's something I've not quite mastered. Maybe someday. In the meantime I'm happy to support you in whatever way I can. Just let me know how I can help.

I love you so much, L. You're an incredible person with and incredible dream. I hope you'll love being a midwife—though I have a suspicion you'll find yourself in love with the entire journey there. And I'm honored to walk alongside you for the adventure.

.Boy

Dear L,

You know those little seed pods that fall from trees? The ones that spin like a helicopter propeller if you toss them in the air? Well I happened to be in the break room today washing my dishes from lunch when one of those propeller things caught my eye. It was quite unique in appearance, as one side of the pod had already grown old and brown while the opposite side remained as green and vibrant as ever it could be. It was as stark a sight as black on white, but what really caught my eye was that the pod had fallen from the tree and become lodged in a filter screen above the big AC unit outside.
The AC unit was running at the time and so vibrating all around it—including that seed pod. The stem of the pod is what had fallen through the screen, trapping the larger pod-end just above it, and, as the motor of the AC hummed, that pod danced around and around and around in a circle, flipping from green to brown to green and back again. Over and over and over this dance occurred. Sometimes it was resting all the way down on the screen, and sometimes the vibrations of the AC bounced the pod up into the air a bit, but always it danced around and around and around and I was mesmerized.
I don't know how long I spent standing there and watching this little show out the window, but I think I probably wasted a bit of water before I remembered to finish washing my dish. And all that while I stood there thinking about how beautiful a moment it was—and that life is just full of these small instances. Moments that are no grand spectacle at all, and yet they're moments that reassure us of the goodness and beauty of life. Of how precious each moment of our lives is. Of how unique a story each of us has to tell about the moments of our lives.
It was a small thing, to be sure. Wholly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. But beautiful, and intimate all the same.
I'm blessed to find moments like this in my life, and more blessed to have you to share them with.
I love you L.

.PtB

Dear Boy,

This is life right now, today. Sam's asleep. His schedule is a little wonky as far as being at Lodi Point for the eclipse goes, but I'm going to push to make it work. My brother's visiting. That might mean a family meeting, I guess, but I'm not holding my breath. Maybe visiting the Millspaughs counted as a family meeting?  It's Auburn's family night and she wants to go back to play games at my parents house (not that she actually played games yesterday, but I think she just likes being around everyone).  I'm waiting for my Lularoe shirt and another shirt in the mail. The second one is bought with a gift card Jordan and Diana sent for my birthday which I promptly forgot about until last week. Mostly, I'm waiting to hear back about my application. Hard to believe I'm about to go back to school at 33, but so exciting. I don't think I've been so excited for the future in a long time. I am very itchy. Not sure why this always happens to me. I have a lot of work to do around the house as far as finishing the room swap goes. I found another wasp in the bathroom this morning. I'm proud of you for running this morning. I'll try to run sometime soon too. It feels good when I do. I was thinking about offering to speak in Sacrament meeting this Sunday. Do you think that's a good idea or crazy or both or neither?  I hope the truck will behave itself for you until Wednesday. Nolan is frustrated because he wants a wall that he could kick a soccer ball at. I don't know how to teach him that just because something isn't going the way he wants it to doesn't mean he needs to be grumpy or let that thing sour his entire day. I guess that's a hard lesson for every person. Maybe it's just something you have to learn from life. So far it's looking too cloudy to observe the eclipse. I love you. 

L

Dear L,

That's scarce to hear about Sam and the garlic! Things like that give me great pangs of anxiety. I've never experienced such constant worry in my life like what I experience for our kids.

It's crazy!

But, thankfully, Sam will only be little for so long and my anxiety for them lessens as they get older (though I don't know I can say it goes away). I suppose if ever you love anything you're never truly free of anxiety for those things.

And I'm glad to hear you're excited about the future. I pray the best for us and especially for this new path you're beginning to walk. I'll be looking forward to hearing what you hear back from the schools. My fingers are crossed (and prayers said) that you find all the answers and good fortune for which you may hope. However, whether the other be easy or difficult I will support you all along the path—wherever it may lead our family.

Now for a brief anecdote from my day:

So I've told you that on some mornings I find time to wander over to Taughannock and read my scriptures or write in my journal at the overlook. Right? Well, I believe I also told you that a couple of times there's been this older man there enjoying the peace and calm of the morning, yes? It's the same man who I said was down in the overlook peeing into the drain one morning.

Is all this ringing a bell?

Well I was there alone this morning when this gentleman arrived again (usually he's there before me). I think it was owing to how many times we've shared that overlook, but, whatever the reason, he struck up a conversation with me this time. And you know what . . . It's an enchantingly small world we live in. It turns out he has a brother who has lived for many many years in Spokane.

Crazy, right!?

Out there at the overlook. Early in the morning. Thousands of miles from where I grew up, and this random old man with whom I share that early morning overlook has a direct connection to my hometown.

Anyway—not much more to say about it than that, but life delivers beautiful coincidences doesn't it?

Well I've gotta bolt to a meeting, but I love you. Thanks for the letter.

I love you L.

.Patrick the Boy

Boy,

Yikes. It looks like I should write you a letter or two. I owe you a lot. You're so constant and interesting and loving and accepting of me. I can't thank you enough for that. 

Sam's taking a nap. The boys are all playing in the back and Auburn's playing minecraft. Sam woke up at 7:40 this morning. I think a rooster woke him up. Everybody else was still asleep. I read that you can feed egg yolk to babies after they are nine months old. So I cooked him his first egg for breakfast and he really liked it. I had to put him down to separate the yolk (but I am a pro at one-handed egg cracking). He picked up the peel of a garlic clove when I didn't see and almost choked. I try to keep the floors clean, but if I miss a day, our floors become dangerous. There's usually a lot of dirt and clutter to clear after the weekends.  

I'm going to do more school research today. I'm excited for our future. It feels so nice to have a plan and a goal and a future that doesn't seem so nebulous (assuming this all happens).  

I had an uncomfortable dream about my mom last night. I don't really remember it, but just the bad feeling. Then I got texts about church this morning and blah. You know?

Anyway, thanks for a nice anniversary. I'm glad to spend my life with you and grateful for these past many years spent in your company. And we have this nice family. You love me so well and I love you so deeply. So let's keep doing this thing. 

L

Dear L,

Well . . . Why not? Let's get another letter up here shall we? I mean, I'm just sitting outside with Sam while he takes a nap at the Nyre's. I surely hope the kids running around and playing don't wake him up. It should be alright though—their property is significantly bigger than I ever realized and we're tucked away in the far corner under the trees. There's a bench here and Sam and I are just enjoying the beautiful weather (August has turned out beautifully, wouldn't you say?).

Did you realize that the Nyre's have a lot of mature fruit trees already? I passed an Apple, peach, and a pear tree. I think they must have planted at least the peach tree. I'm not sure about the other ones.

Oh, and we can go pick peaches at the Smith's anytime. And as much as we want. Their in Poland for two weeks so they'll all be spoiled before they get back. I figured maybe we could head over there for family night and that could be our snack too. They also mentioned that there are blueberries . . .

To change the subject—I wish it was always the weekend. 'Cause I certainly enjoy time with you.

I love it actually.

Nothing better.

I just wish we had more of it.

Time that is.

Time together, specifically.

I don't mind working. I really don't. I enjoy what I do and the people that I work with, but I certainly prefer time with my bluish-green eyed friend (that's you).

When you met me did I come across as being as solitary an individual as I am? Our conversation at church with Caitlin just got me thinking about this subject. It's just another of those instances where you and I differ like night and day. You would love for nothing more than to be with friends doing fun things. I, on the other hand, am usually fantasizing about some place I've yet to be or adventure I've yet to have.

But I do like people. Just in a different way than you. Or perhaps just in one of the many ways you like people. Because I do enjoy talking to people. I mean I did engage in a lengthy conversation with an older French woman at the airport as I came home from Minneapolis. And I did approach the gentleman working construction at
Cascadilla Creek and speak to him. But I think to be fair it's because I love stories and I love that people are full of stories I've never heard. I love that.

But I definitely don't enjoy just "hanging out/around" people as much as you do. Your love for the company of people is amazing. I love you for it. It's just another of those character traits you have that I don't. But I try a little more every day.

Though I do believe it's our differences that give life it's vibrant color.

What fun would it be if we were too similar?

Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. I love you L.

.Patrick

Dear L,

This is one of my favorite places in Ithaca. It's the top of the parking garage next to the library. 

I'm not so very sure what it is about this place, but ever since I began working for INHS I've been bewitched by it. I don't know . . . Maybe it has something to do with the view I have of this place every time I leave work. Maybe. I mean it stretches up over the buildings otherwise obstructing my view and stands out, alone, against the skyline. For some reason I've just always enjoyed that view. I could stand in the parking lot and stare up at it for a very long time (I was going to say "forever" but that felt a little melodramatically emphatic). 

In any case, I love this place. I'm sitting up here as I write this, and every time I pause from writing I can look out over the top of this city that's become my home town (and isn't that a strange idea? That you stole me from the West and now Ithaca feels like home to me. More so than anywhere else I've lived, in any case). 

Do you remember that one movie I made at school—Snap? I'm just sitting here and remembering that for part of that movie I had to sit on the very edge of the top of that parking garage in downtown Provo. The thought of that still gives me vertigo (man I was willing to do anything for film back then . . .). 

Anyway—sorry it's been so long since I've taken a chance to write to you. I do love talking to you. I do love sharing things with you. I've never had a friend like you before, and I hope that I never take that for granted. 

I'm listening to the Goo Goo Dolls as I write this. I still like their music, but I definitely loved their music back in high school. They were making the perfect emo style music for teenagers before emo was a thing. I remember that every great love story movie had one of their songs in it for a while there. I even used one of their tracks for what you could consider the "emo" portion of that video I made of me and Dallas and Tyson and Jared in Utah. 

Seems hard to believe that I'm 35, now that I think of that trip to Utah. Life certainly has sped up on me and I can't hardly believe so much life has passed me by. Youth certainly didn't prepare either of us to react to adulthood as I think we'd've liked—but man what a great life we have with these kids. How blessed I am to share this family with you!

Thank you for loving me through every storm and every ray of sun. Thank you for your smile. Thank you for that grimace-y smile you do when I'm taking your picture. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for laughing yourself to tears when we watch HIMYM. Thank you for introducing me to HIMYM. Thank you for being everything I know about the deep parts of being happy. 

Thank you for being you. 

I love you L. 

.PtB

Dear Boy,

Yesterday, I was corralled into the library to have my yearly Branch President's Wife interview with the Stake President.  He typically checks in to make sure I think you doing a decent job and still paying some attention to our family. He did that yesterday and then went into inquiring about my own "spirituality". He conflates that term with a church-related checklist, but I don't buy into that conflation so I told him truthfully that my spirituality is great.  That was obviously not the answer he was looking for because he immediately pointed out that he noticed that my temple recommend had expired and wanted to know whether or not that was an oversight on my part.  If it wasn't an oversight he wanted to know my reasons for not renewing. I told him that I had knowingly let it expire and I'm not interested in holding one for personal reasons. He let me know that he was there if I ever needed to talk about anything. That was nice and I thanked him, but then he started rifling through his papers saying he wanted to read me something. And this is what he read:

"Life’s journey is challenging. It’s easy to be distracted, wander off the path, and get lost. Tribulation is an inevitable and indispensable part of our eternal progression. When adversity comes, don’t let something you don’t fully understand unravel everything you do know. Be patient, cling to truth; understanding will come. Trials are like great mists of darkness that can blind our eyes and harden our hearts. Unless we are “continually holding fast” to the word of God and living it, we will become spiritually blinded rather than spiritually minded. Search the Book of Mormon and the words of the living prophets every day, every day, every day! It’s the key to spiritual survival and avoiding deception. Without it, we are spiritually lost." Elder Kevin Pearson General Conference April 2015

I thanked him, but I felt injured. The assumption in choosing that quote for me is that I've been deceived, unfaithful, lazy, and that my trials have worn me down to this awful, hard-hearted state.  That breaks my heart.  I wish he could just offer love with no judgment. I wish we all could. Thank you for being my safe space to come home to. I love you more every day. 

Lady

Hey Boy,

Thanks for a wonderful birthday. Thanks, as always, for loving me and showing me such thought and care. Thanks for these four wonderful kids. Thanks for doing your best to get along with my mom. Thanks for this quiet life in the country in a spot that I never want to leave. 

Birthdays are wonderful opportunities to celebrate life. I'm so grateful for mine. It is definitely tough and heartbreaking sometimes (and more than sometimes lately) but those difficult moments make the lovely ones that much more beautiful. And there are so many good, breathtaking moments. Ones where I laugh so hard I'm crying, or take in the glistening water and setting sun at Lodi Point, or eat bittersweet ice cream or mushrooms or discover some good butternut squash recipes, or snuggle in with my fluffy cat, or welcome my kids home off the bus, or see you walk through the door after a long day apart. And honestly, the tough times wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't first experienced ease and let my heart love deeply. I wouldn't still feel so much grief in missing my grandpa seven years later if I hadn't first loved him so much. Same goes for my dad. That doesn't mean it's not worth the initial love, I don't think.  It's just something to come to terms with, I guess.  Sometimes it's easy to be so preoccupied with what is lost or lacking that I fail to fully appreciate that which I do have. It's a human thing. But I'm getting better at choosing gratitude. I'm grateful that I had a grandpa who I could love.  I'm grateful for so many memories of him. I have an amazing dad. He's taught me so much and is such an example to me. He gave me a good life, a magical childhood, and so many good times to remember. I'm grateful for him. 

So 33. We should gets goats. If we went on vacation, I think we could get someone to take care of the goats at our house or theirs. I bet Josh would do it. Or Tony. Or Ron. Or even Wayne Nyre. But anyway we should certainly hold off on making such a decision until we hear favorable news from Reuben. (Fingers crossed).  

I love you, Boy. I hope you always know it and feel it. You are the best part of my life. You are my favorite thing. You are my closest friend. I just don't know how I'd live without you. So please keep on staying forever. 

Lady

Dear Lady,

Life gets a little crazy. Doesn't it? I mean, it just occurred to me that in all the running around making a card, buying a lavender plant (secretly), and getting the Branch ready for Mother's Day, I think that I neglected to write in your Mother's Day journal myself. Did I? I suddenly panicked that I forgot to. 

Did I even give it to you?

Did I even write in it?

If not I owe you some thoughts. And some love. 

But that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing you today because it's your birthday. It's your birthday and that's my favorite day of the entire year. 

No joke. 

(Your cat is quite the snorer, here next to me . . . Sheesh!)

So, I love you. 

I hope you know that. 

No, I hope for more than that. 

I hope you feel it to your core. 

I hope you're able to wake up and feel overwhelmed with love. 

Now I'm not an entirely unrealistic individual. I am entirely willing to believe that life, with all it entails (good and bad), is often enough to chase our focus from where we'd like it to be to where it needs to be: concerns for children, concerns for family, concerns for friends, or, perhaps, sometimes even to thoughts of gratitude and joy for children, family and friends. I know that sometimes we wake up overwhelmed by what the day is going to require of us. Sometimes we know we'd just rather this day didn't happen. 

And I know that you're probably feeling this more acutely these past couple of years. 

I'm sorry for that. 

I'm sorry that I can't fix everything that goes wrong in life. I sure wish I could serve as some kind of jack-of-all-trades handyman for those things in your life that break. I wish I could make everything run beautifully and smoothly. 

Unfortunately I can't. 

And I'm sorry for that. 

But I do promise you that I will always do everything and anything I can. I promise you that I will always love you. I promise you that I will always wake up ready to share my love with you once again, every new day. I promise that I will always try to make you smile, always try to make you laugh, and always try to make you feel the love that I have for you (and that is pouring in upon you from so many in the world). 

I am so in love with every new day of your life. My own new days are so important to me because they are directly related to the opportunity for another new day with you. And that's an incredible thing. To think that I can open my eyes to every new dawn and know that you're right there beside me. To know that we love one another. To know that we have each other's backs. Thick or thin. Sickness or health. High or low. Republican or Democrat. —Wait, how'd that last one get in there? . . .

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! 

You are so loved. 

You are so important to so many. 

And we all want every wonderful thing for you. 

We want you to smile. 

We want you to laugh. 

We want you to have every good reason to sing for no reason. 

And I hope you will. 

.Patrick the Boy

Dear Boy,

You're amazing. Thanks for being so good to me even when I lose control and get snappy. I'm sorry I do that. Thanks for talking with me. I don't know that it makes it better, but it's relieving to feel understood. 

You're amazing to me in the way you take action and make things happen. Like you made sugar and hatched chicks. You're the impetus behind a lot of things happening in our house. Maybe those things often start because I had an idea, but you have enough drive to make them reality. 

I was thinking about the notion that we don't have a lot in common and determined that we share common goals and values and that's all that really matters. We have a good life together, we work well together, and we love each other. I think we lucked out. Well, I definitely did. 

lady

Dear Lady,

Well it's been an awful long while since I wrote anything here hasn't it? I am sorry about that. I am thinking about you all the time.
So we stay here in New York? And not just in New York, but HERE in New York? Here in this house? In this countryside? Now that's not such a terrible idea. It never was. Still, it has taken us an awfully long time to make a decision. How do you suppose we make it real? Or make it feel real? How do we make the decision in a way that we know we've made the decision? Maybe we finally hang up a wood sign at the end of our driveway? I suppose it wouldn't say Fancy Manor anymore though. It would say Peacefield. Or maybe, Peacefield!
I think I've written on my Peacefield blog every day this week now. How about that? (And how about the excessive use of question marks in this post?) (see! Another one!) I've always only ever written on these sites (except this one—this one has only ever been about my love and relationship with you) (and how about the excessive use of parentheses in this paragraph?) (and, yet again, another question mark) (and more parentheses!)
Wow—I got a little lost in all those asides.
So, anyway, I've always written on my blogs when I've truly wanted to turn them into something. I mean, I love writing. It's fun. It's cathartic. I just enjoy it. But I specifically aim to write consistently on one blog when I'm trying to steer my life and career in a direction. Then I always ultimately give up because I can't figure out how to make a move to monetizing what I'm doing—how to make the transition from a fun hobby to something that could also earn an income.
So here I am again. I'm writing on a blog. I'm in love with an idea. I'm really working to stick it out. To follow through, for once. But I need your help. Can you help me?
I just, I think I could do this better if you'd sounding-board ideas with me. If you'd help me conceive of how I can turn my skills and interests into something like an income. I have some ideas, but I'd really be more effective/proactive with your help. If you'd help me.
I love you. You mean so much to me. You're in every happy moment. You're my happiness when I wake up (even if it is multiple times a night (and Sam makes me happy too)). You inspire me. You make every starry night starrier. You make every evening chore chorier. I am so grateful that you are who you are and that you laugh with me through this adventure called life.
I can't wait to see you tonight.

.a boy

Dear Boy,

I'm watching you over there on the couch as you sleep, curled up over a huge pile of pillows, hat perched crookedly atop your head, still wearing dress clothes, and smiling slightly. I love you so much that my heart thinks it's going to burst. You've come to mean so much to me that I'm not sure what or where or how I'd be without you. Let's hope I never have to answer that. Thanks for this life we've been building together now for many years. Thanks for bringing me back to NY and staying long enough to find our peaceful spot in the country. Thank you for these amazing kids. I love them so endlessly and deeply. I admire so much about each of them. It is so humbling to be their mom. Thanks for going along with me the many times I say, "So... I have an idea."  It always makes for a frustrating adventure and I'm grateful for your willingness to stick it out. You show me love in so many ways.  It's probably more humbling to be your wife than it is to be their mom. I often feel that I'm running next to you as you take great strides. It's not a bad thing. It's just to say that I look up to you. I see such greatness in you and I hope I never hold you back, but sometimes I worry that I do or especially that I will. But anyway, I'm so grateful for you. 

Lady