Dear Boy,

I would like to have the same sleep schedule as you. I think we would be more united. I know my current AM actions don't reflect this desire, but it's the truth anyway. The problem is that i have never learned to be a morning person. Even the times in my life when I was consistently waking (and accomplishing) before seven... it was never easy and I eventually gave in to my inner grump who kept whispering to my motivation that morning was not the place for her. Anyway, even if I am never a morning person and I always have to ward off that inner grump, I'd still like to try (again) (and again after I inevitably fail).

As far as the chalkboard goes, it needs to be cut before it is painted. I had the hole marked and the blade of the jigsaw ready when I noticed that the mark was crooked. And that's when I gave up. For now we could clear off some of the fridge to display the scripture there, but our boys don't read yet, so maybe we could do a pictogram of the scripture too?

I think we would do better at Family Night if we did better at having family council. The boys are old enough to understand and contribute.

And now we're back to What should I/you/we do with my/your/our life? I'm not sure that the particulars are important, so long as we are always learning/serving/doing/being/becoming something. The means of accomplishment are of little consequence, I think. At least in my case, I don't think I've been called to any one thing. Maybe lots of things, but not any one. I think we are expected to use our gifts and talents for the blessing of others. Therefore, our responsibility is to figure out what those gifts and talents are, figure out how to employ them, then actually go and do. More on this later perhaps? I have to go. I love you.

From me

Dear friend,

I love you.
It's the first day due back at work. Stinker huh? I'll miss you.
I was considering the idea I had raised to you. That idea concerning scripture memorization in place of scripture study. Did you already have the other chalkboard painted and it just needed to be cut? If so we could quickly get it cut and hung. If it wasn't painted (it's a little too cold to paint it now) we could just write the scriptures on paper and just make it look nice. I want to move on this because I think we have let there be too much lax in our gospel devotion in-home (at least on my part) and that is perhaps the cause of the boys disharmony when together. In any case it will never hurt to improve our efforts right?
Now we need to reconvene concerning FHE.
As concerns other bits of our future I think we would do well to huddle and determine some plans/goals.
We are doing well. Moderately. Our temporal needs are met. We are seeing to better satisfying our spiritual needs. What remains then is to excel. Not just excelling in the simple sense of doing our best. Rather I mean to reach beyond our current accomplishments and deeper into the recesses of our hearts. The Lord has proven he is willing to provide for us even in areas for which we were unqualified and unstudied. So why don't we really give some effort to pursuing our true interests and passions?
Of course the first (and often hardest) step is discerning what our interests really are. Writing it down, getting it outside the safe house of our heart can be frightening and even tumultuous, but it's the one way we obligate ourselves to the idea.
We know what brings lasting happiness: service to our God and neighbor, but the way we become serviceable is through learning and growing. The Lord does not expect me to help anyone by performing surgery because I don't have the learning, and I don't have the learning because it wasn't a priority for me. We are a giant clock of moving parts and we each have a role to fill, but we get to choose the role. So what will we choose? What paths will we take? We seek happiness through service, but until we anxiously pursue our passions and the learnings that are acquired therefrom, we will only be meekly serviceable. Our capacity to serve, and therefore to be happy, is tied to our efforts to learn and grow.
Let us not spend our time learning and growing at half-speed, doing things we only peripherally care for. It is when we truly set to work upon accomplishments we care deeply for that we will learn at a blessed and accelerated rate. Then we will have exceptionally serviceable skills. Then our skills will reflect the goodness of our God.
I'm sure I struggle with this more than you, but I like working with you and so I was hoping that even if you don't feel the same struggles you would help me with mine.
If I were to list some goals they would be as follows:
•my work allows me more time at home.
•work allows me more time exploring/traveling with my bag on.
•work involves writing and photography. Sharing with others.
•work involves affiliation with a museum/collection.
•work is at Cornell (that would be amazing).

These are some of my dreams. My goals. I have always felt, at the very least, that if I had to work away from home that I should at least like to really enjoy what I'm doing. At least that much.
I love you. I love the adventure of life with you. It's been a dream to work alongside you these few years. I enjoyed our outing on Sunday and hope for many more such expeditions.
I'll see you tonight.

Dear Boy,

In keeping with the high school-esque character of last night, I slept in until 9:30 this morning. Call me lazy or juvenile, but it was luxurious. I reveled in every moment of it and had some wild dreams. It seems the craziest dreams come in the morning. Or maybe thats when i'm most able to remember them. While I was dreaming and Gerret was playing on a pillow above and to the right of my head, Cocoa took the opportunity to sort the garbage can for us. She sorted it on the floor into things to ingest, things to *try* to ingest, and non-ingestables. Apparently, most of our trash falls into the first two categories, because everything strewn across the kitchen floor and into the living room had on it evidence of her trying it. I'm assuming that the soggy, teeth-bitten remains were decided to not consumable (able to be digested is entirely a separate matter which I don't believe our foraging dog took into account). Of particular note are the egg shells which eventually were not ingested, but apparently not first without an effort made in their consumption. Tiny crunched up shells were scattered like confetti, throughout the kitchen and in a festive path through the living room to the dog bed, which I found surprising as she typically favors any piece of floor -carpeted or not- over that bed. And so my week-long desire to vacuum has been necessitated by our intuitive mutt.
Because I was pretending to be a teenage mom, when I finally pealed myself from the bed, I stumbled into the kitchen to enjoy some cake and rice crispy treats for breakfast with Gerret.

...... And now, two hours later, I'm back again because the baby is fed/cleaned/entertained/back asleep. Gerret finally succeeded in motivating me to go upstairs for the computer so he can at last satisfy his dire need to watch Robin Hood. You know something? I've seen Robin Hood, Man in Tights more times than maybe any other movie I've ever seen and I still am unable to quote even one line from it. For the record, I only watched it so many times because my brother and his friend loved it and I loved hanging out with them (because I didn't know how to procure my own friends).

I'm thinking about exercising before I shower. My chest/arm hurts today like good old times, which is why I'm still undecided.

My mom says it's a bad idea for me to get an evening/night job. I think I've talked about it enough times to her recently that yesterday she just said " Honestly, I really don't think you should do that". It would make me grumpy to my children, she thought. I told her that I'm already grumpy to them, but maybe she's right. At the same time, how would I know if I don't try? I want to make money and associate with people. Just for awhile. Maybe a year. Or maybe I can figure put a way to do something from home? What do you think?

From me, your lady

Dear boy who I love,

Thank you for giving me time to myself this morning. My sanity is very much appreciative. You are so kind to me. I wish I were as thoughtful in return. I wish I could express emotion so readily and so well as you. I fall short, but that doesn't mean I love you less or don't think of you when you're away. The very opposite is the case. My thoughts of you fill quiet moments. And every un-quiet moment has something of you in it, because you are part of me. And because you are part of me, I feel complete. My life is full since I met you. I'm so glad you stayed.

From, this (taken by me especially with you in mind):

Dear Boy,

You're asleep here on my lap like good old times. I'm awake, awaiting a taste of rice pudding. It will be a (hopefully) sweet ending to a fairly bitter day. I have a hard time some days because I feel like it is impossible to be satisfied with my performance. I simply cannot do everything that I would like to. I cannot have happy, bathed, intellectually and creatively stimulated kids and a clean, organized house, and be of service to others and provide myself intellectual, spiritual, creative, and physical exercise and get a good amount of sunshine/fresh air and have a balanced,delectable meal ready by 7. And I get frustrated easily. It makes me want to lose the dog, because when I feel especially inadequate to the task of being me, I think that I could at least do without her. One day I just might snap and really lose her.
Saturday is my moms birthday. I have an infinite number of things waiting for my accomplishment. Maybe you and the boys can go to Palmyra.

From me

Dear Lady,

Dear Lady,

You are my heart. At least there's no good distinction between the two (other than your being a bit larger and not quite so gross, though both are full of blood): i need both you and my heart; you're both right at the center of me; you both are what keeps me going each day.
See what i mean? You are my heart.
If there's time i would love to do rice pudding with you tonight. i just like you so much. A wrinkle-the-nose-when-i-think-about-it kind of like. it's nice to be honored by my work place, but i'd rather be home with you. i hope you are convinced of that. Even if my sleepiness would deny it i really do treasure evenings with you; every moment with you really.
i'm glad you accepted my invitation into the Adventure Club. i feel like it's important. Like perhaps too many of God's children have not only not listened to the gospel, but they haven't taken advantage of what it is to be alive. i'm glad we don't have a television. i hope our boys will appreciate it. There are plenty of shows i enjoy, but i prefer to seek them out when i have a moment, not having them constantly streaming in as an excuse for actually accomplishing a great life. When our children—or anyone for that matter—think to me i want them to think two things:
1. He knows God lives and lives like he knows God lives.
2. An adventure is about to happen.

Dear Boy,

So. Adventure. And a club. A club about adventure. That's great, because I'm all about adventure. Or I used to be. Or i used to think i was. Or I wish I was. Or someday I will be.

No, really.

Even if I don't currently do more adventuring than fighting a ravenous (for sugar) three-year-old, surviving diaper explosions, and living on the windiest hill in the world, I have dreams of doing more than the same. I don't relish in ruts. The stagnancy of doing the same every day makes me feel itchy. Change soothes my soul. I like to try new things, push my limits, endure frustration, love people, feel the pulse of adrenaline, be confident in myself. Or i think i like those things. Or maybe i used to. I don't remember.

But I can try to remember.

Improvement. Stretching. Testing. Learning. Tasting. Becoming. These are ways to live loudly and really breathe. And I want to live that way. And maybe I do live that way on some days every once in awhile. And you inspire me often to live that way or at least to remember that living that way is a possibility. But I'd like it to be a way of life, not just an idea to visit from time to time.

So, dear boy. I'm in. I'm game. I'm ready for goals. I'm ready to change.

Love, your lady

Dear You Who is My Heart,

There's nothing quite like loving someone who is ill to make you feel vulnerable. I think I am most acute to my dependence upon the Lord not when I am sick or in need, but when anyone in my family is–and the dependence is particularly acute when it is you who falls ill. I am heartsick that your body is not everything you want it to be and more. I hope that if and as we pursue healthy routines like exercise and a proper diet, you will find the perfection in health that you anticipate (and of course relying on faith, diligence, and prayer will always be a large part of our success).
I love you.
I wanted to invite you into a club I'm creating today. It's called The Adventure Club and it's all about making sure we don't forget, in the midst of the necessary survival of life, to take advantage of everything that it is to be alive. It's a club for people who like to try new things. A club for people who like to become more skillful. A club for people who want to see their impact upon the world. In short it's a club for people like you and me. And in fact again–so that would be in fact fact–you are already a part of the club, but due to formality I was required by our club charter to offer you an official invitation.
I put together the following list of things that would be required of members of The Adventure Club (after all if we don't have goals to shoot for we just kind of drift oar-lessly):

The Adventure Club

Cook one new thing/try one new thing (food) each week

Be constantly engaged in learning or refreshing a foreign language.

Book club.

Go see one new thing a month (a new park, a part of town you've never frequented, your bedroom upside down, etc.).

Travel non-locally once a year.

Publish something each year. Something physical. A book. Through blurb or something. Own up to our accomplishments.

These are just some ideas of goals I'd like to shoot for. Just tell me what you think. I hope you'll want to adventure with me in this club of ours, because you're already listed as Senior Vice-President of adventure in it. :)

Dear My Dearest Lady,

By some strange twist of fate I read your letter here on the self-same day that you wrote it. Truth be told, even if I'm not writing on here with any great frequency, I check it often to see if there is a word from you. I realize it may not be "fair" for me to await letters from you while I myself am not writing, but I do so love to read your words (whether on your blog or this) that I check as often as I am able.
Sorry that I myself have not written in a while. Sorry that sometimes I'm just not very talkative. Honestly sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I feel like a frustrated lout a lot of the time. I've spent the last six years bouncing from interest to interest without being fully satisfied. I think you've known much of the same feelings and expressed some in your letter. I love my marriage to you. I can't think of time I enjoy more than just being with you. You're a joy unspeakable in my life. My boys are precious to me beyond belief. I went in and spent a few moments last night just enjoying them. How sweet they are. I don't know that I've ever met a child as kind and sweet as Nolan. Or a boy some crazy and fun as Gerret. And what a blessing it is to be a member of the church and have the gospel in my life.
You suggested that I myself might not know what it's like not to 'do'. I know better than you give me credit for. Yes, I've a proven track record of doing a lot where I'm at. I made some improvements at vending. I've made a lot at CFCU. I enjoy doing it. There is some satisfaction in it, but if I am honest with myself, I have sold myself short. I have done good, but I have done less than I could have or should have. By comparison to many others it would appear, I think, that I go above and beyond, but that's not really true. It's not true in the sense that I'm going above and beyond in places that I don't really feel like are mine. Kind of like if you started going above and beyond for the primary. It would be good, but there would be more of a divine satisfaction of going above and beyond in the Young Women's. I feel like many of my activities and efforts are being spent in the wrong calling, but I don't yet know what the correct calling is.
So I feel your frustration all too well. I could do much more, but I don't quite know what, and so I watch a movie. Or I get on the Internet. Or go to bed.
I love you so much and am grateful for your patience with me. I'm grateful for your prayers and support as I continue looking for the proper place for my interest, skills and talents. I'm excited to be a parent again with you. Please tell me everything I can do to help you. There is no better satisfaction in a job than when it results in you smiling.
.PtB

Sent from my iPad

Dear Boy,

Here comes October and a new baby. Here we are managing our own house, repairing (or dispairing)our own cars, sending a child off to school, dreaming of farms and things. Crazy, huh? That's what I've been thinking today as I muddled around. We've come so far from where we were when we met (almost eight years ago... Crazy huh?). And we still have so much to do. Yet, I muddle around a lot. I wish it were a symptom of pregnancy, but I know this miserably large figure is not to blame. It's just that sometimes (pregnant or not), I get stuck doing little or nothing, even though I have high aspirations, plenty of things I could be doing, and a desire to accomplish great things. Sometimes instead of doing great things, I do no things at all. It's something I struggle against. Of course, recognition is the first step to recovery, so I haven't lost hope, and I don't always have a hard time with action, just often enough to be of some concern. I don't wait for certain circumstances before I'll be truly happy, because I am happy. I love my life. It's beautiful where we live. Our house is lovely for us. I consider it a privilege and blessing to be the mother of Nolan and Gerret. I love to be your wife and your friend. I enjoy my service in the church. I have a testimony and experience such a full life because of my membership in the church and the covenants I've made. No, I have no need to wait for anything before I feel happy, however sometimes I think I do play a waiting game with motivation. I seem to wait for the time to be right before I make a move. I say, "I'll do __________ when we have our own house, or after the summer, or when I'm no longer pregnant", when the reality is that doing __________ has nothing to do with and is in no way hindered by where we live, the season, or an enormous belly. I know you don't have this problem and probably can't understand why or how someone would have such difficulty DOING things, not that I understand either. It's just a struggle I have sometimes. I don't like it and I hope to overcome it, but I also did not invite it and definitely experience setbacks at times that seem out of my control.
And that's all I have to say about that.

It is time to apply more flea medicine to our pets. I have no idea what we're having for dinner and it's five twenty. Gerret is doing pretty well considering his continued fever. Nolan played on our pull-out bed after school. It is the best kind of weather out today. I learned about harvesting black walnuts today.

And so concludes the first letter on here in quite a while and I'm sure you won't notice it for quite a while more.

Love, your lady

To My Boy,

Thanks for humoring me. I like having this kitten. And a piano. You are so kind to go a long with me without even a murmur. You amaze me.

From this lady

Good Morning Lindsay,

I enjoy the calm of morning. The world loves the night. Stay up as you might it seems there is always someone else awake making noise with you. Neighbors. Cars driving by. Kids. But magically, if you'll just go to sleep and wake up early—it doesn't seem to matter what time—everyone has gone to sleep. The world is at rest for you and you are alive with your thoughts.
I'm listening to Everything Creative on the Mormon Channel. I started listening as I was folding laundry. This time it's an author I'm listening to. No one I'm familiar with, but it has been an interesting interview. His kids earned their allowance by giving him advice on the children's books he was writing.
I like writing. I was thinking this weekend that writing might be that final talent that I might like to pursue through my life. Obviously there've been years I've been thinking bout this and about all there is to see/do/learn in life. I'd still like to do it all, but it is beyond argument that we come into this world with certain interests. Certain abilities. As a result I think we have a responsibility to do all we can to use those talents to better the world—then I think we can use our free time to explore every other interest or avenue. I write. I tell stories. Photos. Words. I think I ought to pursue this more and I think I'll find writing can allow me to do anything else I've dreamed of doing, and not hinder my ability to wander down other avenues as we go.
I love you. It's a beautiful foggy morning. When it's foggy, and before the sun is alive, the day is a deep blue. Have you noticed that? The fog is a thick blue and the trees kind of materialize out of them. It's gorgeous. I love the morning. I love you.
.PtB

Sent from my iPad

Dear friend,

And you are a dear friend. My dearest friend.
That was pretty bold of you, locking all three animals inside together last night. It seems to have gone okay though. Cinder didn't say anything when I went downstairs to take a shower. Maybe because it was a little cooler last night. Or maybe having all the windows closed made a difference. Perhaps if she can't smell the outdoors she doesn't crave it so bad.
I'll miss you today while I'm at work. I don't mind work. It'd great to have a job and have a little bit to spare, but it's no match for time with you and our little family. Sorry that my company at night doesn't always illustrate how much I like spending time with you. Sorry I fall asleep early. Sometimes there are just so many things to do I can't make a decision and I just end up doing nothing, like a real stick in the mud.
Thanks for the walk with me last night. It was good to get a little physical activity going. I'm glad you like my writing too. I like writing. I like sharing things and I like trying to do it in creatively versed form. I used to try writing a haiku every week to force myself to practice creative communication. I've been thinking I should start that again. Thing is, I have a hard time doing something if I can't fit it into the big picture of what I would like my life's legacy to be. Of course that has always been a problem with me. Thats why I wrote that recent text There will be Flags.
Thanks for what little you've taught me about the piano already. It may not seem like much to you, but it really helped it be easier to play with both hands. I mean you heard it last night. It wasn't great, but it was light years ahead of what I could do just last week, so thank you. I enjoy being able to play the piano and I look forward to learning more from you and continuing to improve.
I love you with everything I have to love.
.a boy

Sent from my iPad

Hi Boy,

I had a great anniversary with you. Thanks for doing things with me. I have the most fun with you. I enjoy the world the most when I am with you. Thanks for being my marrying boy these seven years. I am convinced that you are the best marrying boy ever. Also, I treasure your writing. Thank you for sharing it with me sometimes.
From your lady

Dear Boy,

One more thing. Before naptime, Nolan decides to draw a picture of the items needed for a trip "further than the Pioneers". He and Beagle are headed out on the journey to trump all journeys. So Nolan is explaining to us about this expedition and how arduous it will be, using his detailed drawing to help in his description. As Nolan goes on and on, Gerret finally interrupts in typical Pook fashion, "Uhh. Nowin? Can I go on the trip too?"
Nolan's response is immediate, "No Gerret. This trip is not for you. You would never survive, because there will be no candy."

Hi My Boy,

It's raining again. I love it. The lilac transplants appear to be less dead already. I transferred the boys clothes to their new locations this morning while the boys "camped" in the living room. They were superhero campers and brought along Ricki Raccoon as their sidekick. They have a great time together as evidenced by the complete destruction of the living room. They make a good pair of brothers. Sure, they have frequent squabbles, but I think that has more to do with their ages. Besides, more frequent than squabbles is a lot of getting-along and having fun together. I'm glad the Lord knew better than we did that Gerret needed to join our family. He has been such an unexpected blessing, complete with countless learning experiences. I also made bread and ate bread. Maybe I should make more. I only meant to try it. Turns out, it was really good. Now the boys and Cocoa are watching George. I hope you're having a good day. I look forward to being with you all day tomorrow.

Love from a lady.

To My Closest Friend and Deepest Love,

We have a modest first harvest! The boys and I went out to pay our respects to the deceased and weed-ridden of the garden and lo and behold, a cucumber, green and full! The tomatoes sadly droop like they've needed water for the past three weeks, but by some miracle produced two red cherries and another on its way! We also reaped some lettuce and a handful of beans from Gerret's plant pile. I've spent the morning sorting toys in the back room. The boys have been playing nicely together for about two hours now; the second miracle for this Monday. And I saw yet another amazing butterfly amongst our flowers. It had fled before I returned with a camera. I had wanted you to see it, my third Monday miracle.

Thank you for a lovely weekend on the opposite ends of twin lakes. I love being everywhere with you, but especially in nature where there is an endless supply of wonder and beauty.

I love you so much.
From your lady

PS. I tallied the exclamation points. 3! I mean, 4! Uh-oh, 5! I better get some help, 6! 7. There. Seven exclamation points, and all entirely necessary, thank you very much.

To My Boy,

I apologize for my emotional instability this morning. I blame it on the pregnancy. The feeling that my body is not my own is hard for me to swallow. If there is anything in my life that I have felt the most control over, it is my physical health and abilities. Perhaps that is a reason I like to run. I feel powerful when I can master my body, when I can overcome pain or hardship, when I know I have made myself stronger. And there is very little of that going on these days. Add to the mix increased blood flow and a production of hormones that could supply an army of normal women and you've yourself a mess. That's me. So sorry.

Thank you for being patient and kind with me. I love you because of something I can't explain, but I have so many reasons to appreciate and trust you. You are my greatest blessing. You are my dearest friend. Being married to you is the most comfortable, happy proposition. Thank you for thinking I'm worth your time and effort, even when I am unarguably crazy. Thank you for showing me charity and gentleness despite my flaws. I enjoy every moment with you and every thought of you in your absence. You make me feel like the luckiest lady ever in the history of ladies.

From, a crazy

Dear Boy,

Thanks for mowing. Mowing makes me grumpy. I hope it won't make you grumpy, but I don't think the same type of things frustrate you. A good thing about being married is that we're different so we can learn from each other and be of some mutual support. I can drive at night and you can mow without destroying something. Nice team we've got here. Let's have a baby.

Good Morning,

I'm never quite sure if I should wake you in the mornings. You always seem so peaceful and I know it's when you sleep the best. Today it was a particularly difficult decision to make because as I sat up I was draped in the most exquisite red light. It spilled in from the window like a thin drape and beyond in the distance a deep red sun was just beginning to rise up out of cloud and tree.
It was awesome.
Sorry I didn't wake you. I took a picture instead. It doesn't quite do it justice, but it's the best I could give you without a wake up call.
I love you. Every moment you give me is cherished.
Maybe for family night we can go into the garden and weed and the boys can have their wheelbarrow to catch the weeds? It really needs to be done. It's looking more and more like the field behind it and less and less like a garden :) We could make something with berries for dessert. Or, if the boys don't get a nap we can share some cereal for dessert. I'm sure they wouldn't complain.
I love you.
.a boy

To my friend,

I love you.
I'm at home missing you right now. This was some planning meeting you and your sister undertook. Or am I right in suspecting the contribution of time has more to do with your mother than sister? ;)
I think it makes time apart drag longer when the estimated time has elapsed and we are still apart. You're such a comfort to me. Even when my brain won't work and I'm frazzled and frustrated with myself, imtake solace in you. Maybe that's too easy. Maybe that's a cop-out from actually ever addressing concerns, but no matter, I enjoy your company above all others.
I wish I could give you the world and any opportunity on a platter. I'm sorry I can't. I know there's a lot to be said for fighting and struggling through things together, but I guess sometimes I long for more epic endeavors than simply making a living. I feel like a pair like you and me, a pair like us is meant for more. Maybe thats why we've both felt unsettled in traditional roles. We both have a conviction of the necessity of those traditions, but we both feel our abilities are ready to encompass those roles and more.
But what? and how so?
I think we've worked great works together and I agree with your closing comment last time that we ought to endeavor to project more together. I think also though, that we have our own particular inclinations too and we need to pursue those and expose them for what adventures they may bring. You love the piano and music, and while I would like to learn the piano as a tool, I don't think I'll ever have the interest in it that you do, nor do I think I should force that. I'm beginning to feel that when the scriptures speak of talents, they are heavily implying inclinations. I think you're wonderfully given musically and I think you should pursue that in whatever manner you chose and however far you choose to pursue it. I'll support you every step of the way. Beginning with piano lessons.
I love listening to you play and I'm so happy to at long last have a piano in our home. It adds a definite air of sophistication to our living, don't you agree? It also colors the air with wonderful ideas and impressions as you play. Every home should have a piano. There's something about a piano that, to me, hints to education and greatness. To peace and meditation. It's very presence feels transcendent to me and, while that may seem silly, the home with a well loved and well used piano can't be a house that doesn't know a higher power. It's in every note.
Well, I'm going to go wake up the boys so they aren't asleep too long. When we put them to bed at 8pm I don't want it to be an hour after they woke up which it's likely to be if I let them sleep to their heart's content.
I've loved your smile since I first saw it cross your lips.
.your friend

Sent from my iPad

Dear Boy

That letter did actually show up on my blog in google reader. Don't worry though. I think I've successfully scared away most of my former blog visitors with less-frequent-than-infrequent and mostly-boring posts.

I missed the storm this morning, though I did watch the one last night long after you passed to unconsciousness. I love storms like I love fireflies like I love ice-cream cones like I love gray cats like I love boy giggles like I love tickling the ivories like I love dirty garden hands like I love bike riding through the countryside. And if you put all of that together into one big love, it'd look like a speck next to the love I have for you. In fact all of my greatest loves are not big at all compared to the love I love you with.

So this is what I think about solely persuing a passion versus working soley and passionately at something other than a passion... I'm beginning to think it is necessary to follow a dream. Perhaps working hard at one special thing allows a person to be better at everything else they do. Perhaps only a handful of lucky people have their professions in what they truly love and/or are most talented in. Perhaps it is luckier to not be in that line of work --to have something wonderful at home/on the side/filling in the cracks/like a hidden treasure-- to not be defined by the way you earn a living. Maybe it allows one to have contact with more, varied people. Maybe the separation is a healthier thing, because it seems that those whose professions are their passion often allow it to take over their lives. I might just be trying to point out that balance is essential. At the same time, having a dream and following after it is also essential. I wish I had realized this ten years ago.

I know for myself, I really need to do something that I love and that I can focus on. I am a stay-at-home-mom, but I don't want that to define me. Staying at home is the way I currently "earn my living". It's my job. Its not my favorite thing to do. And most of all, I stink at it. But... I think it's important that I do this, I realize I won't stay at home with small children forever, and I think I can become better at it even if it's not my passion. But... I need something else. And that brings me back to focusing on something I do love/feel good at. That may be the key to coming to better terms with my staying-at-home status, might even allow me to love it more. At the very least, it would feel fulfilling to do something that I really like doing. It may improve my perception of myself. It may improve the boys' perception of me.

It would be nice if that thing I did was with you. It would be nice to work on something more with you than cleaning the kitchen. I wish we did, but it often seems that the things you enjoy and the things I enjoy are vastly different. Maybe we could alternate months to choose a project?

To a Fine Lady,

> I don't know if you're awake or asleep for this, but I pulled up a chair to the back door to listen to the thunderstorm. Some of it has been so terrific that I could hear it in the shower even though the bathroom window was closed.
> Cinder is here now, hoping I'll let her outside.
> Thank you for your continuing love and support in my life. You've no idea how heavily I lean upon you. (We just lost power for a few seconds there) I'm glad I've always been able to perform well in this job because it has meant a lot for our family, but I wish I knew how to really enjoy it, or how to go about doing something I really enjoy. As always, it's a shame we're not just paid to be together.
> I'm not sure if this now six year struggle is because of a perception I lack, or because I've sold myself short. I'm not sure if I'm dissatisfied because of the line of work I'm in, or because I just have a hard time sitting still—meaning maybe I need to constantly be getting promoted. I think it's the former though because I did just get promoted and yet I'm still anxious and fidgety. (I think I just saw lightning strike the same place twice)
> I regret not changing majors to some kind of science. Something that would have given me an avenue to the outdoors. I felt sure I was following answers to my prayers when I pursued film, bit I guess my always lackluster pursuit of film should have been an indication to me that it was no longer for me. Or maybe that I had the wrong approach to it. After that first year in the program I never cared about film the same way again. It has just been a steady decline away from my interest in it. (I think lightning just struck there a third time) The Lord will provide us counsel, but he won't tell us to do something or marry someone we don't wish to do or marry. I think perhaps that was an issue. When I wanted to marry you I really wanted to marry you, and the Lord honored that. Whenever I prayed for a career though, I just kind of left it up in the air. Kind of like "tell me anything and I'll do it" and that's not really appropriate I don't think. So then I pursued film like I work at the credit union: doing my best, and doing good things, but without any real love of it.
> Should we love what we do before we begin, or should we just pursue the path we fall into and find happiness there. Because it's not like I've been unhappy. I meet good people. Get good benefits and pay for our family. (We lost power again—now it's back) Help people and improve the credit union. It's been great. But I grew myself on fantasy and adventure, and I guess work at a credit union just falls short of that. Is that silly? To steal a line from Stardust, I don't feel like much of a shop boy.
> I'll keep at it with the credit union forever if necessary, it pays well and let's me learn new things and I become an example for the church in the community. But is there something greater out there for us? More epic? More adventurous? I guess that's what I'm always wondering ands hoping.
> All this should not be misconstrued as dissatisfaction with anything. That's not what I am implying, but my favorite parts of the day are those I spend with my family and those when I'm outside, and I just wonder if there's work out there for me that involves more of those two things. I sure hope so, because I could never see enough of you.
> I love your everything.
> .Patrick the Boy
>
>
> Sent from my iPad

To my dear Boy,

We're not out of the woods yet. Nolan had a fever of 104 again at 12:30. It was down to 101 a half hour later after he took Tylenol. Gerret refuses to get dressed today. Nolan and I made sugar cookies. The kitchen needs a lot of attention now. I raked the garden, intending to plant seeds with the boys today, but they both felt it too windy/cold to be outside without complaining. So they went inside to watch Dumbo while I mowed the backyard. It was when I came in that I noticed Nolan looking glassy eyed. And that's been our day thus far. All of this intermingled with Gerret whining and the iPhone singing with Facebook updates. It's funny some of the people who care to acknowledge my birthday. It makes me want to be more friendly --and not just on Facebook. Anyway, I love you. I'm glad for my life because it's one spent with you. And now... naptime. Hallelujah.

From your lady

Lindsay, my best friend,

I miss you already, but I'm satisfied that because of you these five youth will have an opportunity to stand and be strengthened by others like them. It can be a lonely thing to belong to the church out here, especially for kids. They need this. As selfishly as I wish you could be here with me, I know you're going where the Lord wants you this weekend. I think you'll enjoy it too. I hope it reminds Naomi a little of the testimony she once had. That truth is more valuable than pursuing fun friendships. I hope she'll come back. 
Drive safe on your way. It will be so nice to get into the temple with you on Monday and maybe walk through some church history sites. I love any moment I get with you and especially the long moments. If the weather permits I'll try and do some rototilling for you. 
I'm thinking about letting the boys sleep with me tonight. What do you think?  
I love you so much. You're the greatest. 
Oh, and Meggan said you looked beautiful when you came into Shursave last Saturday in your church clothes. I thought you were beautiful too. 

From PtBr

Dear Boy,

I wonder if Wegmans caught the demise of our woodchuck on their security cameras. I wonder if they could decipher our license plate and contact us to come pick up our mess. As I sit here contemplating last night's parking lot adventure, the boys are swimming-suit-clad, dueling with the hose. We're out in the mosquitos and near-sunshine. The clouds seem to be winning and there's a nice breeze. Maybe a storm is brewing. Definitely, it is not warm enough for any type of contact with the water straight from the well, but try telling that to young, energetic boys --especially the dueling type. My visiting teachers came this morning. Just 45 minutes after I finally detached myself from the bed. I got more than ten hours of sleep last night. It was enough. I was embarrassed to invite them in; me in my dripping wet hair, boys in pajamas, Nolan asking for breakfast like he hadn't eaten yet this month, a mountain of soiled dishes, compost on the table, and the couch in the living room completely torn apart, complete with pillows on the floor. In addition, Rose Mayo came with Emmie to see our new digs and mostly to scope out where we'd be installing her cabinets. I opened the door to the back room before I remembere the state of it. Yikes. I'm sure she was thinking the same thing. But the reality is I cannot keep the tight kind of ship I dream of because I either hate housework, would prefer being outside even if it only hopes to be sunny, or I'm just plain exhausted physically, mentally, or both. Cleaning a house is less satisfying than mowing. The house re-entropies faster than grass grows. And it should be considered a miracle that anything can happen faster than grass grows out here. I think I just caught on that if I write too much here, the iPhone decides it won't allow me to observe the product of my wiggling thumbs. And that's what has happened again. Grumble. So I must sign off and leave you with this (look closely at the background for a special pookerly surprise):

Love, this lady

Dear Friend, My Boy,

News at 10:30--
Here we are halfway to lunch and already it rained for half an hour. Gerret cried and whined for a good hour. Nolan and I escaped to the outdoors where he convinced me to set up a tent (by then it stopped raining). I can't find the bag of stakes for the Norh Face tent. Cocoa chased a woodchuck into it's hole and then could not/would not leave the hole. She's been standing vigil now for an hour. The hole, by the way, is under one of our two-ton tanks of fuel. Awesome. Speaking of awesome, grass clippings are spread over the floors of our house like confetti. There's even some on our bed, I think because the boys watched Krypto there while I took a shower. At least that's what they were watching before I got in, but when I returned, the list for related videos had nothing to do with Krypto. "Baby Tooting in the Bathtub" was one title I noticed. Anyway, while I was looking for stakes, Nolan found a fossil on a rock near the back porch and Gerret ate a graham cracker. Gerret and I played a few rounds of "The Matcher Game". He has an impressive memory. He beat me a couple times and I didnt even let him. Then Nolan wanted to play and the game rapidly dissolved into a quarrel, at which point Gerret resumed crying and whining. That's when my threatening headache took control. Now they are cooperating wonderfully, playing superheroes and bad guys together with action figures. Cocoa is still waiting. And this phone is not allowing me to look at what I'm typing anymore and my head already hurt, so that will be all. I hope your day isn't as boring as yesterday, although somedays I think I would welcome some boring.

Bored or otherwise, I always love you.

From, your lady

Dear Lady (who also happens to be a mother)

I don't really know where to start. I know you're the not the biggest fan of these seemingly hallmark orchestrated holidays, but I struggle with the idea of watching the rest of the world celebrate their loves on February 14th or their Mother's in May, and not doing anything myself to make sure everyone knows how much I love you or what a great mom you are. When everyone is celebrating loves, I'd have it be known that you are the most loved. When everyone is celebrating mothers, I'd have it be known that I think you're the best mother.
So today I am celebrating you and I really think that the rest of the world should take part in the 'you' celebrating thing too. I know how you feel about yourself and your mothering, so I won't say much here, but I will say these few things.
First, as a parent I am very relieved to have you to look to as an example. Your patience and love is a constant reminder to me of my need to improve. To use quieter tones. To show more love to them especially when they are bad. To accept that these are little kids who need my love and friendship more than my correction and nagging. Believe it or not you are a reminder to me of these things on almost a daily basis.
Second, I know what it feels like to be loved by you, and I guarantee you your presence in their lives has granted our boys an eternal and priceless gift.
Third, you are an elect Lady. The scriptures are for us and that scriptural passage is for you. An Elect lady. One whom the Lord is aware of and confident in. I love to watch you in prayer or in scripture study. What a priceless disciple/daughter you must be to Him. And to your Heavenly Mother who I suppose should also be celebrated today.
You've shown yourself more loving and faithful than most any one ive ever met and every one of your actions moves into your mothering. I love being a father paired to your mothering. we make a great set (of parents and salt and pepper shakers).
Sorry I spent too much time doing dishes and baking pies to make our appointment last night. There's nothing better than getting together with you. Reading, playing games, hanging out, or otherwise. Mostly otherwise is what I'm sorry I missed yesterday. I hope we can reschedule.
I married you a long time ago now (almost seven years) and I did it because i loved and trusted you. It's that same love and trust that lets me know you're a great mother. We hadn't known each other long, but I knew enough to trust your friendship and your quiet love. Thatvjudgement has never proved wrong. Sometimes I know I haven't deserved your love, but you've always given it anyways and for that I've been grateful and with that you're becoming a great parent. With that you are a great parent.
I hope you enjoy mother's day and time with your mom and grandma. Know my love for you truly has increased every day and how thrilled I am to have you asleep in bed next to me this morning. It's one of my favorite moments of the day. Every day.
Trust in yourself. Trust that when so many consider you a good parent, and of high value to any group, it's not empty words. You've earned every nice thing said about you. You continue to earn it. These boys love you. I love you. You're doing great.


And I started this poem for you long ago, so I finished it for Mother's day. I love you.

Put on your bonnet, lass, grab your boy's cap
Put down that dirty dish—Quick! Grab the map!
The children are ready with clean shoes and pants
So it's off for adventure.  Take care!  Take the cats! (and the dog now, I suppose, to be fair)
We're off in a hurry, packed every last inch,
Packed every odd something we might use in a pinch.
We're out cross the doorway, out into the day
So it's off for adventure, we're well on our way.
The roads might have brambles, the paths may have thorns
But we prefer to walk windy roads, not previously worn.
And through every challenge I keep hold of your hand
So it's off for adventure, you and me cross the land.
One foot at a time and one after another
I've set off with a wife with a friend with a mother,
And you you have me, you have boys, you have cats
So it's off for adventure and no looking back!
We've earned blisters and muscle pain, tooth aches and more
We've found happiness, laughter and country galore.
I don't know 'bout tomorrow or the day after that,
So it's off for adventure, with my Lady [three kids] and cats!


Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Boy,

So how do you like your new iThingy?  I hope it's working now.  I hope it's everything you hoped it would be, custom made and all.  The iPhone is in my red bag in the car. Banished for a while. The boys were eager to have it.  And watch Krypto for the rest of their lives.  I think I'll hide the phone daily and pretend we don't have access to it.  If they ask you, it caught fire.

 I don't know why some days are worse for one or both of them than other days.  Every little thing is made difficult.  Today has been one of those days.    Nolan wanted cereal, not eggs, and threw a fit when I said, "no".  Neither of them wanted to get dressed.  While I was in the shower, they got into the leftover Easter candy and chocolafied the clean, handsome shirts I had just finished wrestling them into.  And when I got out of the shower, they whined about picking up the foil wrappers they had littered through the living room (one of them refused to pick them up at all... guess which one).  They complained about the coats I grabbed for them and one of them refused to wear it (guess again).  The argued in the car about their inability to share Krypto (no problem now; iphone caught fire).  When we arrived at school, (only two minutes late!  We even would have been on time if there hadn't been a problem with the coats.) Nolan did NOT want to take the bag with his boots and coat in it.  He announced authoritatively that he was going to make ten projects and I would need to carry them, because no-way was he going to bring a bag.  So I carried the boots and coat in sans bag.  I paid tuition right before Gerret whine/yelled from halfway down the stairs that he couldn't make it down by himself.  Poor little thing was clinging with both hands to the railing looking like the jaws of death must have been snapping at him from further down the stairs.  So I go back up, take his hand, and fight of the jaws as I lead him down the stairs.  Two steps from the bottom, I heard another whine/yell from the other boy who apparently thought I was trying to make a break for it.  Maybe I should have when I had the chance.  Instead, I followed Nolan into the circus so that he good give me a hard time about leaving him and need Miss Jackie to come peel him from my leg as his got teary eyed.  Then I did make a break for it, but not without the younger beast throwing a fit about leaving. 

So yeah, let's have another one.  Obviously, I have everything under control with the two we already have.  Really though.  Things don't always proceed like they did this morning.  Sometimes everything goes smoothly.  And whenever (or ifever) that happens, I consider it a miracle and thank my Heavenly Father for helping me maintain (or regain) my sanity so I can make it through the next handful of difficult mornings/days/weeks.

Dear Boy,

Welcome to May.  As the saying goes, "April snowstorms bring May rainstorms."  Or something like that.  It is, of course, raining, but the gray sky sure does make the beginnings of green so vivid.  I read something about a person who travels or lives far from where they grew up/consider home and the way they can never shake a looming feeling of waiting. "Like being perpetually pregnant."  That's how they described it.  I don't feel like that (though I think I did when I lived in Utah).  This green country, where hills and water flow freely, is so comfortably home to me.  Maybe I've been sheltered.  I definitely haven't experienced a whole lot of anything else.  But I feel some sort of belonging here.  Despite the drawbacks and the sacrifices we made to be here, I'm glad we are.  Especially as May commences and the leaves begin to unfurl.  I just watched Mr. Blue Heron walk along the East side of the pond.  He feels like he belongs here too, I'm sure.  He fits so beautifully in the landscape. 

It's hard to fathom the existence of a world more lovely or breathtaking than this one.  I guess it wouldn't have mosquitoes or prickers.  I can't imagine what it would have, though.  I don't even really want to imagine.  I just like it here.  I'm glad you're here with me.  I'm glad you're anywhere with me.

Love, Your Lady

Dear Boy,

No naps today.  Those crazy boys.  They did everything in their bed except for sleep.  Read books, wrestled, threw all pillows and blankets on the ground, jumped, talked, made undecipherable noises, did some pretend play (not sure what they were pretending), came out a thousand times, got into "things" in the gray room, went to the bathroom a few times each.  And then my grandma stopped by and the boys decided that signified the end of naps.  At least they had fun I guess.  It's hard to be upset with them anyway because they just make me laugh.  When Nolan came out the final time, he had wrapped himself in a blanket so as to be invisible.  Gerret demurely slunk out with his wry little smirk smudged across his face and those deep dark eyes begging for forgiveness.  Nope I just can't be too upset with them.  They're my little treasures whether or not they take a nap.
I've really been enjoying staying at my parents' house.  It's kind of like a little vacation with lots of projects.  And I like projects.  So long as I don't feel pressured to do them.  Or something.  Maybe just stuck doing them.  I like to feel like I have options or choices to make.
Of course vacations without projects are also nice.  Especially when they're spent with you.  And the involvement of salty air and oceanic waves is nice too.

Love,
Your Lady

Dear Lady,

The two of us are laying in bed next to you this morning and I'm loving it. I love my family. I love all we've accomplished together. I love every moment we share together. These are precious to me.
In response to what you said about friendship, I agree and disagree. Yes, friendship is about receiving as well as giving, but I think, more importantly, friendship is about time. There were people I spoke at more than Dallas or Jared, but those friendships still don't compare to what I had with Dallas and Jared because of all we accomplished together. There was a lot unsaid between us for sure, and we definitely could have talked more, but of all my old friends, Dallas and Jared would be the ones I feel most comfortable calling our of nowhere because we didn't just share our hearts, we shared our journey and trust and I think action is worth more than words.
I'm just saying I think you can make the kind of friendships you want to by being around people. Share the journey and I think sharing more will come as a by product. That's why I think you and Ashley should hang out more. That's why I like having people over or doing this basketball night, because if I spend enough time with people trust grows and then hearts open.
You are a very loving and trusting person. If we can just get you to trust yourself and your abilities now. Look how many talents you have? Look at all you've accomplished in life. You are amazing and I'm just lucky enough to be the guy who sees most of it.
It's really windy outside. It's so nice to hear wind and rain from inside the comforts of your own home. I love my home with you, though if possible I'd like traveling. I'd like to spend my life convincing people the world is full of more wonders than they let themselves believe. I love your everything.




.a boy

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

Nolan asked, for the second time this month, how a baby gets in the mommy's tummy. I don't know how I skirted the issue last time, but today I told him that a mommy and a daddy each have one cell and when the mommy's cell meets the daddy's cell they grow together to make a baby. I was hoping he wouldn't ask for any clarification. I'm not yet prepared to have that type of discussion with him. I don't even really like to talk about sex with you. Perhaps that is a symptom of more profound malady on my part. I wish I were better at sharing myself and expressing my ideas, concerns, dreams, etc. It seems I am primarily engaged in filling up space when I speak --and only when it's necessary. I was recently thinking about forming friendships. That's really why I want a job- I want a friend- but I realized that simply being employed wouldn't be the solution. I think I'm fairly proficient at asking questions, listening and truly being interested in other people, but that seems to be only half of the equation when it comes to forming (or nurturing) a relationship. I think I finally understand that deep, lasting relationships are rooted in giving and receiving, both being equally important and on knowing each other. It can't be one-sided. Perhaps I'm past my prime for having this realization and anyway I don't know how to retrain myself to share my heart. At least there's nothing heartfelt about teaching the facts about baby-making.

Dear Lady

This dog is being ridiculous. I took her out this morning on a leash and she just sat down out by her potty area. As a result I released her from the leash and locked her outside again. I think I just needed to be more patient and force her to do it while I was there, but with such high winds and the thought of wolves I was not so interested in spending much time out there in the dark.
I hope you have a good day today. I hope we don't lose power. The high wind warring is in effect through tonight, so hopefully we come home from Ithaca and can still turn the lights on. I mean a power outage can be a fun little adventure, but in the middle of winter I'd prefer to retain the heat over having that kind of adventure. Wouldn't you?
Thanks for playing Quiddler with me last night and I'm sorry you felt so exhausted with pain in your chest. I wish I knew how to help you. Hopefully you were just too intense when we jumped back into turbo jam and it will pass. Thanks, bytheway, for doing turbo jam with me. I know that I should do more to attain a better health. I want to be healthier. It's just hard to establish new routines over years of bad ones.
Thanks for your support as I write a book. I'm trying really hard to do a good job and to see it through to the end. I hope you and many others enjoy it when it is done. I hope it inspires people to look more wondrously at the world around them and not be so quick to disbelieve.
I love you.
.a boy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

Nolan mopped before nursery school this morning.  I wouldn't have allowed it, because I didn't have time to change his soaking clothes and vanish the lakes spread across the kitchen floor, but I was in the shower oblivious to his cleaning pursuits.  The deed was done without motherly approval and I really didn't have time to find him dry socks and pants and work on the flooded kitchen.  Somehow we managed and now I can just laugh and look forward to telling an older Nolan about his intense desire to help his family and keep a clean home.  Sometimes it's lonely to stay at home all day with young children.  Sometimes it's frustrating.  Sometimes it produces hopeless feelings.  Sometimes it makes me lose confidence in myself.  But then sometimes it just makes me laugh and it is the most enjoyable adventure in the world --messes, tantrums, arguments and all.
For instance, after mopping up the result of mopping, getting Gerret dressed (I had to play a few rounds of Ring-Around-the-Rosey before he consented to removing his pajamas), collecting Nolan's snow gear, urging Nolan to get dry pants and socks, losing the battle of putting a coat on Gerret (I don't even know why I try), and packing the Lightning McQueen backpack with essentials and non-essentials alike, I headed out to the car with a coatless Gerret.  Nolan, the persistent little bugger was already buckled in his seat, beaming at me.  "Cocoa is coming, too".  Oh the nonchalance!  I had already affirmed that Cocoa would not be coming with us about ten minutes earlier when he had asked me, but there sat Cocoa, proudly established at the wheel and Nolan, proudly grinning in his spot behind her.
I guess it simply takes a light heart and sense of humor to consistently enjoy mothering.  I'll have to continuously remind myself.  Though I find it difficult to remember simple solutions when I feel overwhelmed.
That's all I have to say about that.  And now... are you interested in having a garden this year?
I like dancing with you.
I like it when we talk.  I like to listen to your ideas.  I like to feel like I know you.  I love you.
From, your lady

Dear Lady

You wouldn't believe this place I'm in. I'm sitting in an incredible room in one of the libraries looking out over Ithaca. I have to bring you here. It's one of the most incredible rooms I've ever seen, especially because unlike castles and mansions you can tour, this place is accessible and useable. I was going to take a picture, but I want to bring you here to see it with your own eyes the first time. I think we become far too passive because of photography. We allow photos to replace stepping out into adventure ourselves.
My favorite seminary teacher and I didn't see eye to eye on many things, but i still differ from him in this and that's that I want to see the world. Pictures aren't enough for me. He felt that books were great because they provided him world knowledge or views if he wanted them. It was enough for him to know things were there, but he was only concerned with life where he was, how it was. That isn't enough for me. I want to take you and our family into the world. I want us to have experiences and adventures. I want to take hope, beauty, and friendship everywhere we can. I want a tradition of vacation and exploration. I hope our children are always fascinated by the world and seek out it's wonders themselves.
It's always perfect, however, to have a standing home to come back to, and a friend to lay down with at night.
I'm sorry you haven't felt as good about your mothering as you'd like. I know my dad is like you. He has always felt like maybe he wasn't doing an awesome job; like maybe anywhere we failed as kids had something to do with his not being home or some other fault. The truth is, however, that I knew he loved me and would do anything for me, and that was enough. That got me here today, and I know our boys trust and love you. I know that so much of their goodness is because of you. Nolan loves to help clean. He loves making projects for others. Gerret loves to cuddle. His imagination is wild and hilarious. They're both so smart. It's so much thanks to you. I know theyre hard to take sometimes, and it seems they're little monsters, but they love you and you're doing a great job.
In addition to that you're developing great talents. Your painting is suddenly great. It adds so much beauty to our home. Your wreaths and crafts too. Your cards have always been an inspiring and appreciated gift. Your love abounds. And I love you. I hope your confidence continues to grow and you continue pursuing your interests and talents. You're so full of good and the world needs that. With so much sadness and war in the world we all need as much as we can get of people like you. That's why so many enjoyed your blog and what you shared of our family.
Just know you're loved and doing amazing. Know that I want to take you on so many unknown adventures. Know that we'll get there. Know I will always cherish you above all else. Know you're my best friend. Know that I'll always be here for you.
.a boy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

It's Monday.  I'm trying to print the rest of the forms we need for tax filing, but I'm having difficulty determining which pages we will need of all 95 or so.  So, here I am taking a break.
Congratulations on having the dog of your dreams.  I think she's pretty great and I'm glad that it pleases you so much to have a dog.  The first few days with her were stressful for me, but not at her fault.  Mostly, my inability to deal with stress is my own fault.  The majority of my stress has to do with my inability to handle my own children.  So my announcement that I wasn't ready to have a baby had little to do with a dog and much more to do with problems between me and the boys (or just Gerret) combined with my own weakness for feeling overwhelmed and/or hopeless. 
Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself that being a mother doesn't seem to come naturally like I thought it would.  I worry that I don't feel attached to my children in the way I'm supposed to.  Somedays I just feel stuck doing something that I'm not good at and I don't enjoy. 
These feelings go against every desire I had growing up.  They go against what is preached about women and their innate, even divine abilities and calling in life.  They make me feel fairly worthless.  As much as I fight these feelings, they are still real.  I think you experience similar feelings connected to your situation, but your discontent or frustration is acceptable.  You aren't supposed to be a teller.  Perhaps there isn't any particular thing you are "supposed" to be and even if there is, you can figure it out and probably feel satisfied when you do.  But for me, there is one thing in particular to be.  I am supposed to be a mother and that's it.  I can be good at other things (if I have time and resources to do those things), I can be of service to other people (if time and resources allow it), I can have a world of experiences (provided the time and resources), but I am a mother before any of it.  Nothing else I could do matters if I'm a crappy mother or if I'm a good mother, but resent it. 
So on particularly hard days, I reconsider the prospect of inviting another spirit into our family because I feel like I'm already failing.  Other days, I get the old feeling back that I'm supposed to be a mom: therefore, I should continue onward and hope that I'll catch on to how to cheerfully accomplish it.  I just hope that if I do this, motherhood will morph into the wonderful, magical experience that I was prepared for and somehow missed. 
I know I'm crazy and I'm sorry.  Thanks for sticking with me anyway.  I don't like to be what I am, but I'm hopeful that I can change, even if it takes a lifetime.  Maybe having ten kids would set me straight.  Maybe it would actually require fifteen.  We should get busy.  Seriously, when I think that there are women who have accomplished this feat, I feel a little sick.  I can't even handle the rising of the sun.  You are amazing to get up in the morning and make everything happen that should.  I love you for it and for your patience with me (every morning and all the rest of the time).  I just love you for everything and I love everything about you.  I wonder at the miracle of you allowing yourself to be a part of me.  How or why that happened and seemingly so seamlessly is beyond my comprehension.  I just accept it as one of the most apparent blessings in my life.  Thank you, thank you dear sir.  I love you in a way that I never could have imagined seven years ago when I met you.  I hope you will continue to miraculously love me.
From, Your Lady.

Dear Boy,

I love a birthday because it is a time set apart to think about just one person and what they have meant in your life.  Even if there isn't a gift exchange, nice dinner, party, cake... it's still a time for quiet celebration and appreciation.

So it's your birthday.  I'm celebrating all day (even though I think about you all day, every day anyway).  Today the thoughts are a little more specific.  My boy, you are my favorite gift.  You have made such an impact on my life that I will forever be affected.  That's not a bad thing.  I love the effect you have on me. 

You make me feel magical.  The world seems so bright and wonderful, so brimming full of beautiful and amazing things, because of you.  I am more interested in the offerings of this world and its inhabitants because of you. 

I love other people more and deeper, because of you.  Loving you multiplies the love I'm able to share with others.  It's as if when I met you a faucet was turned on inside my heart and it's ever been running.  I'm so full and overflowing with love for you that I have all this extra to share.  An infinite supply. 

I want to be my best self for you and because of you.  I fall short (all the time), but you make it okay.  You help me develop confidence in myself.  Somehow, you see so much more in me than I have ever been able to see in myself.  Being around you helps me see it and helps me not to despair when I don't.  You see me the way my Father sees me.  He must help you to overlook all the bad stuff I see in myself.  You are so wonderful for this.  Truly, no one has every treated me with such kindness and patience as you do.

So we have made poor choices, or at least one, and suffer some consequences because of it, but typically I feel like scoffing at the word "trial".  What's a trial when you love and are loved?  It seems silly to complain when I have all that I could ever dream of in you.  Yes, it would be nice to have something magnificent to offer to our children, but as far as my desires go, I am satisfied if all I have is you and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Today I'm celebrating your life because it has made my life something worth smiling about.  Every year, I feel like I should send your mom a thank you card on your birthday.  Maybe I will next year.  Because in giving you life, she has given me my best friend, my best supporter, a good example, my favorite adventure, the father of my children, my biggest smile.  My gratitude for your life and for what you are to me couldn't possibly grow because it exceeds my ability to express it.  That's what I usually think, but then it does grow. 

Happy Birthday to Patrick the Boy, my boy.

With All of My Overflowing Heart,
               Your Lady

Dear Lady,
I love you.
You add this irreplaceable and, perhaps, unexplainable comfort to my life. A solace. A sanctuary. Bishop Ledek described it as having someone you always knew was in your corner. So thank you for that.
Often I find myself feeling so inadequate as a husband and father for having led us into such a meager living. It's exceptionally disheartening sometimes because I know how much you and I are capable of. I'd say I spend most of my time every day wondering over my career and just how to climb back out of this rut we accidentally got stuck in.
Thank you for your patience and support. Thank you for listening to me ramble about ideas I've had until the wee hours of the night.
Despite it all we've done and accomplished a lot as a family, though much more stands to be done and experienced. We can have the life we desire my lady. That's the promise of the Lord. Let's just keep working at it and remain faithful and the Lord will shine a light and show us the path.



.Patrick the boy
PS I really think you're fantastic and I want to kiss you and hug you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Boy,

I know it's only Wednesday, but a week of vacation must have been rejeuvenating despite our bout with illness, because I am enjoying being a mom this week.  Really, really enjoying it.  Not even whining has really phased me.  We have two extraordinarily sweet boys.  They are both so smart and kindhearted and cute.  I am especially partial to their brown eyes.
Yesterday I was reading in Alma 32 about faith and perfect knowledge.  I was struck by how merciful the Lord is.  He has high expectations for His children, but not unrealistic ones.  He only holds us responsible for the things we understand with our hearts.  He is so eager to teach us, but requires us to work for our own knowledge so that we will value and reverence it. 
As a parent, I want to be more like Him. 
Thanks for journeying along with me.  Being a parent is such a wild adventure.  So much is expected, but sometimes I only feel like a student.  It's humbling to have responsibility for these little guys.  There is so much to learn.

Love, Your Lady