It's been interesting the past few days to try to switch gears from "barn" to "life". Though it shouldn't have been, the barn had become an excuse for doing poorly in most aspects of my life. Visiting Teaching flew out the window a few months back as did my devotion to the young women. I felt too stressed to volunteer to do service or even to return phone calls (admittedly, that one's always taken a little more gumption). I was too frazzled to do a lot of smiling or even to be patient, kind, or show much gratitude. Making plans for, shopping for, talking about, and working on the barn had become my life since May.
And now I'm switching gears. Back to life. Here's August and I'm making plans for dinner, doing laundry and dishes, and playing with my children without feeling a pull from my slave-master (the barn). There is a load off my shoulders and I feel great. Good habits are easy to break and more difficult to form, so it's going to take some work to be what I'd like to be..... especially because I wasn't much what I hoped to be before the barn. But I'm hopeful.
It's pretty crazy to think that I spent the past 20-ish years planning for this phase of my life. I thought and thought about what I wanted to be like, how I would interact with my children, how I would keep my home, how I would love my husband, what activities I would be involved in. It's unbelievable to me that I'm here already and after all that planning and preparing, I'm unprepared. I'm not at all what I thought I would be. I had only imagined myself in an ideal setting. It's simple to act flawlessly and think flawlessly when the environment is flawless. That leaves no other option other than to be flawless (unless you're rebelling out of utter boredom). I had not considered that to be what I hoped to be would require really hard work, actual problem solving, and divine help. And all of this would be accomplished incrementally.
I enjoyed making muffins last night and taking them to the Gashlers, speaking of incremental accomplishment of goals. Nolan asked if he'd be able to color in the service rainbow in Primary. I think real-life experience is the best way to teach about love and service. I also think that the older our boys get, the more opportunities there will be to give them real-life experience. I'm excited for the future. And I'm excited for the now. With you.
Love,
your lady
