Dear Lady,

The two of us are laying in bed next to you this morning and I'm loving it. I love my family. I love all we've accomplished together. I love every moment we share together. These are precious to me.
In response to what you said about friendship, I agree and disagree. Yes, friendship is about receiving as well as giving, but I think, more importantly, friendship is about time. There were people I spoke at more than Dallas or Jared, but those friendships still don't compare to what I had with Dallas and Jared because of all we accomplished together. There was a lot unsaid between us for sure, and we definitely could have talked more, but of all my old friends, Dallas and Jared would be the ones I feel most comfortable calling our of nowhere because we didn't just share our hearts, we shared our journey and trust and I think action is worth more than words.
I'm just saying I think you can make the kind of friendships you want to by being around people. Share the journey and I think sharing more will come as a by product. That's why I think you and Ashley should hang out more. That's why I like having people over or doing this basketball night, because if I spend enough time with people trust grows and then hearts open.
You are a very loving and trusting person. If we can just get you to trust yourself and your abilities now. Look how many talents you have? Look at all you've accomplished in life. You are amazing and I'm just lucky enough to be the guy who sees most of it.
It's really windy outside. It's so nice to hear wind and rain from inside the comforts of your own home. I love my home with you, though if possible I'd like traveling. I'd like to spend my life convincing people the world is full of more wonders than they let themselves believe. I love your everything.




.a boy

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Dear Boy,

Nolan asked, for the second time this month, how a baby gets in the mommy's tummy. I don't know how I skirted the issue last time, but today I told him that a mommy and a daddy each have one cell and when the mommy's cell meets the daddy's cell they grow together to make a baby. I was hoping he wouldn't ask for any clarification. I'm not yet prepared to have that type of discussion with him. I don't even really like to talk about sex with you. Perhaps that is a symptom of more profound malady on my part. I wish I were better at sharing myself and expressing my ideas, concerns, dreams, etc. It seems I am primarily engaged in filling up space when I speak --and only when it's necessary. I was recently thinking about forming friendships. That's really why I want a job- I want a friend- but I realized that simply being employed wouldn't be the solution. I think I'm fairly proficient at asking questions, listening and truly being interested in other people, but that seems to be only half of the equation when it comes to forming (or nurturing) a relationship. I think I finally understand that deep, lasting relationships are rooted in giving and receiving, both being equally important and on knowing each other. It can't be one-sided. Perhaps I'm past my prime for having this realization and anyway I don't know how to retrain myself to share my heart. At least there's nothing heartfelt about teaching the facts about baby-making.

Dear Lady

This dog is being ridiculous. I took her out this morning on a leash and she just sat down out by her potty area. As a result I released her from the leash and locked her outside again. I think I just needed to be more patient and force her to do it while I was there, but with such high winds and the thought of wolves I was not so interested in spending much time out there in the dark.
I hope you have a good day today. I hope we don't lose power. The high wind warring is in effect through tonight, so hopefully we come home from Ithaca and can still turn the lights on. I mean a power outage can be a fun little adventure, but in the middle of winter I'd prefer to retain the heat over having that kind of adventure. Wouldn't you?
Thanks for playing Quiddler with me last night and I'm sorry you felt so exhausted with pain in your chest. I wish I knew how to help you. Hopefully you were just too intense when we jumped back into turbo jam and it will pass. Thanks, bytheway, for doing turbo jam with me. I know that I should do more to attain a better health. I want to be healthier. It's just hard to establish new routines over years of bad ones.
Thanks for your support as I write a book. I'm trying really hard to do a good job and to see it through to the end. I hope you and many others enjoy it when it is done. I hope it inspires people to look more wondrously at the world around them and not be so quick to disbelieve.
I love you.
.a boy


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Dear Boy,

Nolan mopped before nursery school this morning.  I wouldn't have allowed it, because I didn't have time to change his soaking clothes and vanish the lakes spread across the kitchen floor, but I was in the shower oblivious to his cleaning pursuits.  The deed was done without motherly approval and I really didn't have time to find him dry socks and pants and work on the flooded kitchen.  Somehow we managed and now I can just laugh and look forward to telling an older Nolan about his intense desire to help his family and keep a clean home.  Sometimes it's lonely to stay at home all day with young children.  Sometimes it's frustrating.  Sometimes it produces hopeless feelings.  Sometimes it makes me lose confidence in myself.  But then sometimes it just makes me laugh and it is the most enjoyable adventure in the world --messes, tantrums, arguments and all.
For instance, after mopping up the result of mopping, getting Gerret dressed (I had to play a few rounds of Ring-Around-the-Rosey before he consented to removing his pajamas), collecting Nolan's snow gear, urging Nolan to get dry pants and socks, losing the battle of putting a coat on Gerret (I don't even know why I try), and packing the Lightning McQueen backpack with essentials and non-essentials alike, I headed out to the car with a coatless Gerret.  Nolan, the persistent little bugger was already buckled in his seat, beaming at me.  "Cocoa is coming, too".  Oh the nonchalance!  I had already affirmed that Cocoa would not be coming with us about ten minutes earlier when he had asked me, but there sat Cocoa, proudly established at the wheel and Nolan, proudly grinning in his spot behind her.
I guess it simply takes a light heart and sense of humor to consistently enjoy mothering.  I'll have to continuously remind myself.  Though I find it difficult to remember simple solutions when I feel overwhelmed.
That's all I have to say about that.  And now... are you interested in having a garden this year?
I like dancing with you.
I like it when we talk.  I like to listen to your ideas.  I like to feel like I know you.  I love you.
From, your lady

Dear Lady

You wouldn't believe this place I'm in. I'm sitting in an incredible room in one of the libraries looking out over Ithaca. I have to bring you here. It's one of the most incredible rooms I've ever seen, especially because unlike castles and mansions you can tour, this place is accessible and useable. I was going to take a picture, but I want to bring you here to see it with your own eyes the first time. I think we become far too passive because of photography. We allow photos to replace stepping out into adventure ourselves.
My favorite seminary teacher and I didn't see eye to eye on many things, but i still differ from him in this and that's that I want to see the world. Pictures aren't enough for me. He felt that books were great because they provided him world knowledge or views if he wanted them. It was enough for him to know things were there, but he was only concerned with life where he was, how it was. That isn't enough for me. I want to take you and our family into the world. I want us to have experiences and adventures. I want to take hope, beauty, and friendship everywhere we can. I want a tradition of vacation and exploration. I hope our children are always fascinated by the world and seek out it's wonders themselves.
It's always perfect, however, to have a standing home to come back to, and a friend to lay down with at night.
I'm sorry you haven't felt as good about your mothering as you'd like. I know my dad is like you. He has always felt like maybe he wasn't doing an awesome job; like maybe anywhere we failed as kids had something to do with his not being home or some other fault. The truth is, however, that I knew he loved me and would do anything for me, and that was enough. That got me here today, and I know our boys trust and love you. I know that so much of their goodness is because of you. Nolan loves to help clean. He loves making projects for others. Gerret loves to cuddle. His imagination is wild and hilarious. They're both so smart. It's so much thanks to you. I know theyre hard to take sometimes, and it seems they're little monsters, but they love you and you're doing a great job.
In addition to that you're developing great talents. Your painting is suddenly great. It adds so much beauty to our home. Your wreaths and crafts too. Your cards have always been an inspiring and appreciated gift. Your love abounds. And I love you. I hope your confidence continues to grow and you continue pursuing your interests and talents. You're so full of good and the world needs that. With so much sadness and war in the world we all need as much as we can get of people like you. That's why so many enjoyed your blog and what you shared of our family.
Just know you're loved and doing amazing. Know that I want to take you on so many unknown adventures. Know that we'll get there. Know I will always cherish you above all else. Know you're my best friend. Know that I'll always be here for you.
.a boy
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