Dear Boy,

Yesterday, I was corralled into the library to have my yearly Branch President's Wife interview with the Stake President.  He typically checks in to make sure I think you doing a decent job and still paying some attention to our family. He did that yesterday and then went into inquiring about my own "spirituality". He conflates that term with a church-related checklist, but I don't buy into that conflation so I told him truthfully that my spirituality is great.  That was obviously not the answer he was looking for because he immediately pointed out that he noticed that my temple recommend had expired and wanted to know whether or not that was an oversight on my part.  If it wasn't an oversight he wanted to know my reasons for not renewing. I told him that I had knowingly let it expire and I'm not interested in holding one for personal reasons. He let me know that he was there if I ever needed to talk about anything. That was nice and I thanked him, but then he started rifling through his papers saying he wanted to read me something. And this is what he read:

"Life’s journey is challenging. It’s easy to be distracted, wander off the path, and get lost. Tribulation is an inevitable and indispensable part of our eternal progression. When adversity comes, don’t let something you don’t fully understand unravel everything you do know. Be patient, cling to truth; understanding will come. Trials are like great mists of darkness that can blind our eyes and harden our hearts. Unless we are “continually holding fast” to the word of God and living it, we will become spiritually blinded rather than spiritually minded. Search the Book of Mormon and the words of the living prophets every day, every day, every day! It’s the key to spiritual survival and avoiding deception. Without it, we are spiritually lost." Elder Kevin Pearson General Conference April 2015

I thanked him, but I felt injured. The assumption in choosing that quote for me is that I've been deceived, unfaithful, lazy, and that my trials have worn me down to this awful, hard-hearted state.  That breaks my heart.  I wish he could just offer love with no judgment. I wish we all could. Thank you for being my safe space to come home to. I love you more every day. 

Lady

Hey Boy,

Thanks for a wonderful birthday. Thanks, as always, for loving me and showing me such thought and care. Thanks for these four wonderful kids. Thanks for doing your best to get along with my mom. Thanks for this quiet life in the country in a spot that I never want to leave. 

Birthdays are wonderful opportunities to celebrate life. I'm so grateful for mine. It is definitely tough and heartbreaking sometimes (and more than sometimes lately) but those difficult moments make the lovely ones that much more beautiful. And there are so many good, breathtaking moments. Ones where I laugh so hard I'm crying, or take in the glistening water and setting sun at Lodi Point, or eat bittersweet ice cream or mushrooms or discover some good butternut squash recipes, or snuggle in with my fluffy cat, or welcome my kids home off the bus, or see you walk through the door after a long day apart. And honestly, the tough times wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't first experienced ease and let my heart love deeply. I wouldn't still feel so much grief in missing my grandpa seven years later if I hadn't first loved him so much. Same goes for my dad. That doesn't mean it's not worth the initial love, I don't think.  It's just something to come to terms with, I guess.  Sometimes it's easy to be so preoccupied with what is lost or lacking that I fail to fully appreciate that which I do have. It's a human thing. But I'm getting better at choosing gratitude. I'm grateful that I had a grandpa who I could love.  I'm grateful for so many memories of him. I have an amazing dad. He's taught me so much and is such an example to me. He gave me a good life, a magical childhood, and so many good times to remember. I'm grateful for him. 

So 33. We should gets goats. If we went on vacation, I think we could get someone to take care of the goats at our house or theirs. I bet Josh would do it. Or Tony. Or Ron. Or even Wayne Nyre. But anyway we should certainly hold off on making such a decision until we hear favorable news from Reuben. (Fingers crossed).  

I love you, Boy. I hope you always know it and feel it. You are the best part of my life. You are my favorite thing. You are my closest friend. I just don't know how I'd live without you. So please keep on staying forever. 

Lady

Dear Lady,

Life gets a little crazy. Doesn't it? I mean, it just occurred to me that in all the running around making a card, buying a lavender plant (secretly), and getting the Branch ready for Mother's Day, I think that I neglected to write in your Mother's Day journal myself. Did I? I suddenly panicked that I forgot to. 

Did I even give it to you?

Did I even write in it?

If not I owe you some thoughts. And some love. 

But that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing you today because it's your birthday. It's your birthday and that's my favorite day of the entire year. 

No joke. 

(Your cat is quite the snorer, here next to me . . . Sheesh!)

So, I love you. 

I hope you know that. 

No, I hope for more than that. 

I hope you feel it to your core. 

I hope you're able to wake up and feel overwhelmed with love. 

Now I'm not an entirely unrealistic individual. I am entirely willing to believe that life, with all it entails (good and bad), is often enough to chase our focus from where we'd like it to be to where it needs to be: concerns for children, concerns for family, concerns for friends, or, perhaps, sometimes even to thoughts of gratitude and joy for children, family and friends. I know that sometimes we wake up overwhelmed by what the day is going to require of us. Sometimes we know we'd just rather this day didn't happen. 

And I know that you're probably feeling this more acutely these past couple of years. 

I'm sorry for that. 

I'm sorry that I can't fix everything that goes wrong in life. I sure wish I could serve as some kind of jack-of-all-trades handyman for those things in your life that break. I wish I could make everything run beautifully and smoothly. 

Unfortunately I can't. 

And I'm sorry for that. 

But I do promise you that I will always do everything and anything I can. I promise you that I will always love you. I promise you that I will always wake up ready to share my love with you once again, every new day. I promise that I will always try to make you smile, always try to make you laugh, and always try to make you feel the love that I have for you (and that is pouring in upon you from so many in the world). 

I am so in love with every new day of your life. My own new days are so important to me because they are directly related to the opportunity for another new day with you. And that's an incredible thing. To think that I can open my eyes to every new dawn and know that you're right there beside me. To know that we love one another. To know that we have each other's backs. Thick or thin. Sickness or health. High or low. Republican or Democrat. —Wait, how'd that last one get in there? . . .

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! 

You are so loved. 

You are so important to so many. 

And we all want every wonderful thing for you. 

We want you to smile. 

We want you to laugh. 

We want you to have every good reason to sing for no reason. 

And I hope you will. 

.Patrick the Boy