I still participate in church because you do and I think of it as the unwritten agreement in our marriage. I have kicked against this sometimes and at times felt like in being married to you, I was also married to the church and that felt like a trap, but over the past two-ish years, I've come to the conclusion that even if it weren't for outside pressure to stay in, I would still choose to. Now I stay for the sense of community, the opportunities to serve, the times when I feel a call to something higher, and the good framework it gives my kids. I am grateful for the foundation I was given because of my childhood and young adulthood as an orthodox member.
There are truth claims made in the church that I still believe in. They aren't the ones that most Mormons point to when they bear testimony, but I still think they would be valid if I were to get up and testify of them in a meeting. They are things like the sanctity of service, the importance of looking out for one another, the teachings to follow Jesus, the beauty and even divinity of families, the necessity of sacrifice to a meaningful life, and the duty we have to care for our families and love all people. There are other things that I can't say I "know" with certainty, but that I still have a deep hope in. Maybe most members of the church need to "know" the typical truth claims about scriptures, restoration, ordinances, priesthood, etc. in order to stay involved and in some ways, I think that's the expectation, but I don't feel like it's necessary; at least I hope it's not.
I struggled for many years as my belief in those things morphed and meant new (non-literal, unorthodox) things to me. I struggled because I could see clearly that, more and more, I didn't fit the mold anymore and I didn't know if I could belong with my new type of belief. Honestly, there were many church meetings and trips to the temple that I sat through where the words to Radiohead's "Creep" played in my head on repeat. "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.... I don't belong here... I don't belong here...." Those were some painful, sad, awful years made infinitely more so because I was in it all alone. It was a lot of destruction and carnage within my soul for a while there before I reached a point where I could start to rebuild.
It's in the rebuilding that I have become comfortable with myself and sitting anywhere, including church, again. There may be a litmus test of belief and practice to enter the temple, but there isn't for participating in the community. If we're all building something good together, then it shouldn't matter how we all arrived here or why we continue to stay. Hopefully I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Thanks for being patient with me all this time. Thank you for loving me and withholding judgement. I have no words for what your gracious response has meant to me. I love you.
Lady
