Sorry that I myself have not written in a while. Sorry that sometimes I'm just not very talkative. Honestly sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I feel like a frustrated lout a lot of the time. I've spent the last six years bouncing from interest to interest without being fully satisfied. I think you've known much of the same feelings and expressed some in your letter. I love my marriage to you. I can't think of time I enjoy more than just being with you. You're a joy unspeakable in my life. My boys are precious to me beyond belief. I went in and spent a few moments last night just enjoying them. How sweet they are. I don't know that I've ever met a child as kind and sweet as Nolan. Or a boy some crazy and fun as Gerret. And what a blessing it is to be a member of the church and have the gospel in my life.
You suggested that I myself might not know what it's like not to 'do'. I know better than you give me credit for. Yes, I've a proven track record of doing a lot where I'm at. I made some improvements at vending. I've made a lot at CFCU. I enjoy doing it. There is some satisfaction in it, but if I am honest with myself, I have sold myself short. I have done good, but I have done less than I could have or should have. By comparison to many others it would appear, I think, that I go above and beyond, but that's not really true. It's not true in the sense that I'm going above and beyond in places that I don't really feel like are mine. Kind of like if you started going above and beyond for the primary. It would be good, but there would be more of a divine satisfaction of going above and beyond in the Young Women's. I feel like many of my activities and efforts are being spent in the wrong calling, but I don't yet know what the correct calling is.
So I feel your frustration all too well. I could do much more, but I don't quite know what, and so I watch a movie. Or I get on the Internet. Or go to bed.
I love you so much and am grateful for your patience with me. I'm grateful for your prayers and support as I continue looking for the proper place for my interest, skills and talents. I'm excited to be a parent again with you. Please tell me everything I can do to help you. There is no better satisfaction in a job than when it results in you smiling.
.PtB
Sent from my iPad
