This is guaranteed to be lengthy. It's to make up for lost time. You may not discover it for a while anyway, which will be more lost time. Anyway, I have a specific plan for what I'll write here and I already know that it's a lot.
This is about Spokane. It's not really how I feel about Spokane at this point in my life, but it may indicate in some ways the forces that work on me and the almost daily fluctuations of my heart. The following quotations are two entries in my journal written on our last trip to WA. The first is dated July 31, 2009.
"So, here I am writing from Spokane. The summer is almost spent. Nolan is almost three. I've been married to he boy of my dreams for almost five years. I am a procrastinator when it comes to writing in my journal.
We're in Spokane. Visiting Patrick's family for two weeks. Whenever we're here I feel like I just want to stay and live here. His family is big. Nolan and Gerret have cousins to play with. Patrick's siblings are mostly grown up and they're such great people. The Church is bigger and stronger out here. The only thing (besides Patrick's job) that keeps me from moving out here is that I feel so needed by my family. My poor family out there seems to be floundering. My grandparents just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary and it was awkward for everyone to celebrate because they don't seem the least bit content in their marriage. My parents have three jobs between the two of them. The job that my dad has held for twenty-six years is miserable and stressful and I really think it's killing him, but he keeps holding on because he knows people have to be grateful for any job these days. My mom works as a labor and delivery nurse. So my sisters suffer. All because my parents do not manage their money well. And I'm left to try to take care of them and my two boys and try not to succumb to depression. I wish his vacation would never end."
That's all of the first one. The second one was written just a couple days later, August 1, 2009.
"Perhaps it is because of the triple digit weather that my attitude toward being here has changed so dramatically. Whatever it is, I missed NY today. I guess I'm not willing to give up the wide open spaces, rain clouds, and countless natural places to cool off when it does (rarely) get too hot. It turns out that I am out of my element in a city. Sometimes the conveniences sound nice and I am so tempted by living close to PTB's family, but when it comes down to the feelings in my heart, I just don't think I fit in here. It's uncomfortable to try. I guess once you're born a country bumpkin, you'll always be one. So, when this vacation is over, I'll be ready to return home."
That's all for now. What do you think about me mentioning sex on this public blog? I mean, I just did.... But I was thinking about posting some of my notes on here if that's not distasteful to you.
Love,
Your Country Bumpkin
