Dear Boy,

I'm sorry that I fail to write back to you and your letters pile up without a response.  It's hard for me to feel too tired or ill to do much. I start to feel worthless. And then I start to feel depressed. And then I don't know if I'm not feeling up to anything because I'm physiologically not well or only psychologically unwell or both. Or I just don't know. And then I started to feel desperately helpless with the thought that I will have a baby and be bound to the house for another undetermined amount of time. A year or five?  I tell myself that I can't do it. I can't keep puttering around the house for years and years. Then I turn around and tell myself that I can do it. I've already proven that I can.   In the end I found hope in the idea that I don't have to be bound to the house for the next how many years. Maybe just one, but maybe not even. I have this thing that I want to do. I have a dream that's followed me around for a few years now. And I think it's practical.  You don't like what you do. We don't have the means to farm. The thing I want to do will eventually yield the means to farm.  In the meantime, it will be following my dream. And it will get us out of here. So why not go for it?  

And maybe that will determine where we go. If this is what we actually do. I need a few years to become a nurse which is something I never thought I'd be interested in and I think I can do that while we're still here, but then I'll need to go to a graduate school for another few years and that may cause us to move away. I hope it will. Even though I do love it here. I can love somewhere else too.

That was a long ramble. In the end, I'll just say that I can't believe we're having another baby. It still is surreal to me. What a miracle. This baby will always seem a miracle to me. Gerret will always be the best surprise of my life. Nolan will always be the child who made me a mother. And Auburn will be the child that changed me in so very many ways. But this baby, wow. What a miracle. My boobs hurt and I feel nauseous daily, but it's a miracle. 

And I love you. You are the friend of my life. I can never thank you adequately for asking me on that first date or for sticking with me after the fiasco of our second date or for being patient even while knowing I was being deceptive. Thank you for being in every moment since. Your friendship and love are everything to me. 

(Getting) Big(er) L