Happy Birthday!
. . .
So I'm 34. Who saw that coming?
Normally my reaction to a birthday is that I don't feel any older, but (quite honestly) I do this year. I think I feel older because I've been focused on my career indecision so much that I can't help but see my age now as a marker for another year wasted.
Now that's a bit of a hyperbole there. No year or day or moment is truly wasted unless it's spent in bitterness, or hate, or in any other form of destructive behavior (at least that's how I feel). I have loved these past number of years. The people I've met. The places we've gone. The growth I've seen in you (blue hair—what!? :) and in our children. There is so much I am grateful for and I wouldn't trade a minute of any of it. That doesn't mean I can't have regret though—and I do.
I regret that I feel I have so much more to offer you, our children, and the world and I simply haven't offered it. I've pussy-footed around different ideas and pursuits. I've started and stopped so many things so many times that I've lost track. It's crazy! I often wonder if I'm alone in this type of behavior or if it's normal. I tend to think it's not so very normal, but perhaps it's alright to be peculiar.
Okay, well, I didn't intend for this to come across as a birthday-downer. I hope it doesn't. I hope it comes across as a letter to my best friend with whom I am comfortable simply prattling on about whatever is on my mind whether it's my birthday or not. Because that's what this really is. I simply wanted to write how I am truly feeling because that's honesty and openness and that's what I want us to have. I want you to know how much I love and trust you with any of my most embarrassing or difficult thoughts.
You are my everything.
I'm glad you enjoy the monikers I attach to you. I think your comment hit it on the nose. I call you these things: Love, Paisley, Lady, etc. so as to give you a name that is uniquely ours. I love your name—Lindsay. Lindsay is the most beautiful name and I love coming across others with the same name. Each time I hear it I remember how much I love it. I much rather enjoy, however, the names that no one else shares with you. No matter how much I love your name I love our little intimacies more.
Thank you for the Parisian birthday wishes this morning. It was wonderful company in the dark. You surely know the way to my heart, and the things that touch me most, like the "places where I've loved you" masterpiece. Please never underestimate the value of your creativity and artistic capacity. You're amazing!
Finally, I am happy it's my birthday because it makes you happy. I'm happy to celebrate 34 years alive because it signifies 12 years that I've known you (and that is reason to celebrate if ever there was any). I'm happy for 34 years because it means I have three beautiful children who will turn 10, 8 and 5 this year. It's hard to believe. Those kids are amazing.
34 to me represents another opportunity to try again to get it right. "It"being a general term for anything and everything. 34 is simply another opportunity to grow and improve myself and to, hopefully, put an end to my constant career waffling. 34 is the year we had two border collies. It's the year we fenced in our backyard. The year we made applesauce and walnut syrup. The year we finished our second bathroom. The year our oldest learns to play the guitar. It's the year our kids finally learn to keep their room clean (maybe?). It's the year you meet your niece. The year Gerret is baptized (maybe?). The year we made love more than ever before (definitely). The year we had the greatest adventures yet.
I love 34 already.
Happy Birthday!
.a Boy
