Verbose as I may pretend to be, I have no words to convey what it feels like to be with you.
Last night, as you lay asleep in my arms and I was left alone with the night, I was uniquely happy.
Our children were safely, quietly tucked away in their beds. Hours of sleep under their belts already.
Patch was curled up and still at my feet.
You were asleep, heavy in my arms.
Even our new puppy, little Luna, was all tuckered out from the day and passed out beneath the red chair.
Everything was so very peaceful. The moment seemed timeless. How grateful I was (when so often I'm asleep before the kids are even in bed) to have been awake for that moment. Just me and a glowing fire in the corner.
Thank you for sometimes allowing me to be the last one awake. I love those moments.
I want to let you know that I still struggle with my mind a lot. I flip flop constantly and it's a daily battle to even keep myself to two varying paths a day (when otherwise it could be four or five). It feels grossly hypochondriatic to claim schizophrenia but that's what it feels like sometimes. The inside of my head is a mess.
Here's what I hope I'm truly looking for:
A life full of friends, family and fun.
A life full of trying new things.
A life full of laughter. Clutching-my-sides-with-pain kind of laughing.
A life where you, I and all our children wake up excited because we're going to spend the day pursuing something that full engages our hearts and minds (and bodies) in the best way.
A life where we don't have to scrimp and save every last cent to make sure things are covered.
A life wherein we add love and laughter to the world around us.
A life where what each of us chooses to do each day brightens another's life.
And so many more things besides.
I'm hopeful that I'll ultimately get a handle on myself. I'm hopeful that it will be soon. And I'm hopeful that when I do I'll be able to write to you about something other than my constant waffling.
Thank you for introducing me to How I Met Your Mother, BTW. It's been a fun year watching the entire story with you. You're the most incredible company I've ever known. You inspire so much in me. Particularly so much writing—and I'm not talking about our letters here. I'm talking about my haikus and poetry and prose. You are in every good thing I've ever done.
.a Boy
