To My Firecracker in Life,
It is, at times, overwhelming to love someone as deeply as i do you and yet be limited by the strength of language to express it. i take consolation in the hope that, perhaps, my actions fill gaps left by my words.
i love you infinitely.
My heart aches for you after reading your last letter. i do not know that i realized (at fault to myself, likely) how deep was your disappointment at not having served the mission you so entirely set your heart upon. i do not feel it would be fair for me to say i am sorry you didn't go. Nor can i say that i am sorry they didn't change the age limit earlier. i hope you understand by this that i only intend an expression of joy in my marriage to you. i dread the idea that any part of time's trajectory be changed and your hand never end up in mine.
Often i have heard science tell of the perfectness of the universe; that were one small event changed we might not be.
Still, i mourn for your mourning. i have wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. Thrilled, rather, at every moment and i am sorry that such constant elation has not been provided to you. i miss you each day as i am away and this is augmented by the knowledge that you are at home yearning for more. i am sorry that i cannot seem to provide the answer to all of your heart's aches. i hope that you will always find respite and comfort in me and i pray that, one day soon, you and i will both find the challenge and excitement that passion brings.
One verse for you, as it has been upon my heart recently, are Nephi's words as he is being shown his great vision in 1 Nephi 11:17 "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."
i used to feel that what i needed was more and more knowledge; that through ability i gained worth in people's lives and, while this is true, it is a temporary thing. What i really needed was more love. Love is power, and caring compassion. This is something for which you have been my model and inspiration, but i have struggled to feel comfortable letting go of prideful capacity for love and trust. How could i be the help everyone needed if i did not have every talent necessary at every moment? i felt i didn't have time for anything else because there was so much to learn, so many talents to acquire.
The answer has always been trust in the Lord. He has never needed us to be anymore than loving. He asks us to do nothing more than love others and love ourselves; he provides all of our needs.
That, i feel, is what Nephi expresses here. He doesn't have all the answers. He, in fact, has hardly any answers at this point, but he knows the love of God and that is everything. You recall that he ultimately takes he time to laboriously keep two separate scriptural records and he never knows why. He states it is for a wise purpose known to God. He doesn't need to know why the Lord has moved as he has, for he knows God's love and trusts Him.
i hope that at least you always remember that God loveth his children, even if we sometimes do not know the meaning of all things.
i love you firecracker. Keep on shining! We'll have a new bedroom soon.
.a boy
Sent from my iPad
